America Forced to do 230 Birthday Shots by Asshole Friend

America awoke late this afternoon with dark circles under its eyes. The previous night's July 4th bash had taken its toll.

This is not a common feeling for America, a nation known not only for apple pie, baseball, and assassinating people with missles from hundreds of miles away, but for holding its liquor (or so it tells chicks). However, late last night America's asshole friend Judd Mueller forced the proudest of nations to do 230 birthday shots, then shoved it into its own pool, permanently fucking up its cell phone.

This was only after Mueller, along with an entourage of America's loose acquaintances who had not been invited to America's very nicely catered party, shot roman candles at each other in America's garage. America, almost fully incapacitated by alchohol and busy chatting up an equally drunk Mexico, was unable to get it together and throw Mr. Mueller out before it was too late.

The scene was ugly as America, flailing in the pool and unaware of its phone's condition, swam to the shallow end and celebrated by shouting a rendition of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man."

Has America learned its lesson? Only time will tell. One thing, however, remains certain: if Judd Mueller does not buy America a new phone within 24 hours he will be shot from long range by a missile. How's that for insurance?

A Solid Proposal

Because Monkeys are our future.

NOT WITHOUT MY FISH TACO!!!

i'm beginning to suspect that college might have been just a diabolical advertising campaign concocted by the makers of KEYSTONE LIGHT.

also i think it's important to spend the fleeting days of youth establishing the basis for an insanity plea.

(they can hear us whispering!)

Terror From Above

Let the Eagle Soar.

Robo-Robertson

...and he can leg press 2,000lbs!

Geography Corner: Denmark

Denmark:

Denmark was created in 1993, by Jenna Anderson, for her third grade science fair project. Jenna created Denmark by building a Play-Doh and aluminum can base, microwaving it for twenty minutes, and then yelling at it in German for an hour. Within three days single cell life began, and then continued to develop at an unprecedented rate. Despite it being the only project of its kind and now containing a new species of reptile (The Jennasaurus) Denmark took home the red ribbon. Taking home the blue ribbon was Mark Patson and his fabricated two week observational analysis of his pet monkey—clearly done by his parents.

After the science fair, Jenna placed Denmark in her family's garage next to her dad's weight set. In March of that year, a bear broke into Jenna's garage tried to eat Denmark. Denmark's ability to adapt, as well as their innate knowledge of all things wild, allowed Denmark to outsmart and evade the bear. Instead, the bear ate mold off an old broken toilet Jenna's family had replaced. The bear did this because bears are stupid, and exercise almost no discretion as to what they eat. However, this first triumph for Denmark was bittersweet.

In July of that year, Jenna's father, Andy, sent Denmark to Germany. Andy was attemtping to make a donation to a nonexistent Holocaust Museum. He had just seen a show on the History channel about the Holocaust and was shocked to learn that it was in fact probably true. With international shipping rates at an all time low, he also used the opportunity to do some "early" spring cleaning and insulated his donation with garage clutter. Andy's favorite proverb regards "killing two birds with one stone." Andy also prides himself on doing spring cleaning in the summer of the year previous to the oncoming spring. Andy is an "early bird".

As one might expect, Denmark was not received well in Germany. Many Germans remarked that Denmark was not sexually deviant enough for Germany, while other suspected Denmark was in fact art work crafted by a young Jewish girl during the holocaust. Fearing another Anne Frank (a constant PR nightmare for the Deutschland), Germany hired a rag tag team of ex-KGB agents to dispose of Denmark quietly.On route to the disposal site the KGB agents became enamored with Denmark. They loved Denmark's risqué humor. They loved the way Denmark listened. They loved the way Denmark felt late at night when the crisp breeze blew in from the North Sea. They loved Denmark's beer, and they loved the way Denmark played soccer. Denmark made the ex-KGB agents feel safe. Prisoner's of their own prisoner, The KGB agents decided to unprisonate their captor/ prisoner. Late, on August 8^th 1994, Denmark was liberated.Nestled along Germany's northern coast newly liberated Denmark continued to grow. Within the year the public became increasingly aware of Denmark's existence and the UN was forced to deal with the enigma that was Denmark. After numerous strategy sessions and hour of delegates devising jokes about UN Secratary Butros Butros Ghali, the UN opted to take the position that Denmark had always existed. To further perpetuate their policy, they took several little known artistic gems and retrofitted them to include Denmark. Hamlet; Prince of the West Texas Roller Derby became Hamlet: Prince of Denmark. The play was then attributed to Shakespeare because you can attribute anything to Shakespeare and no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever doubt you.

They told people NFL Kicker Morton Anderson is from Denmark In reality, Morton Anderson is a robot. The UN rewrote the foreword to every Hans Christian Anderson collection--noting what a "Great Dane" he was, and how the scenic Danish coastline inspired him. They gave credit to Denmark for inventing an obscure and mildly delicious type of pastry, and some of the kinkiest pornography. They developed LEGO in Denmark, and then built houses, cities, castles, and futuristic space stations out of Lego all over the country. Secretly, Denmark is the real LEGO LAND.

In conclusion: if Denmark a fictional country built out of LEGO is not safe from the terrors of this world, if we are not free to sit in a bar in Copenhagen with a mildly pricey lady of the night, a delicious Carlsberg smoking hash cigarettes making jokes about minorities then what is freedom. You can't just give a kid LEGO LAND and then take it away and tell him it’s not safe, can you?

Investing all my money in the Kronar

dr. koala dick

ps. I didn't make one joke about having a Great Dane in my pants--even though I do (literally).

Solving America

zombies think comprehensive healthcare is bunk.

5 alive

Dear America,
Why can't we "Cinco de" every month?

Best Regards,
dr. koala dick

To Fuck With Tom Krog

war of the dance

Dear America,

I think we both know it's time we stop pussy-footing around the situation and start pussy-footing right into it. I am tired of the "War on Terror" and I think you are too. I'm ready for the "War on Terriers"-- which I bet Fox News already has a graphic ready for. Regardless, it’s time for the current war to end, and the next war to begin. Thus, I invoke that we Americans, in this time of crisis, for the good of mankind, the History Channel and the Holy Starbucks on the corner/Internet Pornstar down the street, utilize the most potent weapon in our arsenal: Dance Crazes.

Just now, you probably suspected I was going to say something about the A-bomb? If by "A-bomb" you meant awesome dances, then you were right. If not, you are probably not a pretty cool dude. Academically speaking, I would have mentioned the atomic bomb (I'm not afraid of it, I love the bomb)--if that had been what defeated the Japanese. But the Japanese barely flinched at the bomb. The Japanese didn't care about the Atomics. What got the Japanese off their seats and into surrender position was the irresistible urge to get down to "Funky Town" faster than a kamikaze. If you don't believe me, look at them right now. Look at their dance dance revolutions. Look at their karaoke bars. Look at their god fearing erotic anime coca cola jeans wearing Chevrolet funk McFunk. You know what’s not lost in Translation? A little Bump n’Grind (ain’t nothing wrong with that).

The Japanese weren’t’ the only ones who caved to the primal groove. "The Charleston" in its early developmental stages tore the German army out of the trenches and had them hamming it up in Hamburg in World War I. "The Twist" brought bacchanalia and rapid desertions to North Korean Army.Disco shook Saigon so hard they had to evacuate it in helicopters. "Dancin' In The Dark" steamrolled its way through the Berlin wall, bringing Liberty, VH1, and the possibility of a steroid free lifestyle to all of East Germany.

During the late 1970's facing a extinction level robot invasion by it own super secret robot army, the CIA recruited Michael Jackson to create a dance that could be used as a weapon. In order to swiftly and secretly annihilate the ranks of robots, he astutely invented the “The Robot”. Through his sharp pops and mechanical footwork he showed robots that humans are better at being robots than robots will ever be. Dismayed, the Robot army promptly surrendered and unconditionally subjected themselves as slaves to the Japanese.

So what is the next step? I'm glad I asked for you. First, we need to coax minorities into creating a particularly addictive and crappy body motion. All the great dance crazes start with minorities. “The Charleston” with young people, “The Robot” with sort of a Black dude, “The Macerana” with Latinos, and the “Electric Slide” with cousin fuckers (interesting side note here, the electric slide helped create the internet, so I guess in a way Al Gore actually did create the internet). Then we take this dance craze straight from the street, throw it to the same guy that writes all of Kelly Clarkson's songs or whatever. The we give it a cool catchy name like “The Fatawa”, pump this thing on MTV non stop and sit back and enjoy some sacramental wine coolers. Within weeks, the militant Arab world will be throwing up high fives and legs grabs instead of i.e.d’s and praise Allah’s. Then we can get on to shooting those damn terriers.



head to head,

dr.koala dick--representin' mesopotamia

Ice Age: The Campaign

Archaeologists recently found this relic during a dig in Slovakia. Carbon Dating indicates that it is approximately 150,000 years old. As always Koala Dick strives to bring you the latest in Archaeological news and once again, Mission Accomplished.

Gitmo Confessions: The Easter Bunny

1. "the easter bunny sleigh runs on abortions."
2. "if your rectum doesn't hurt, it's not easter!"
3. "the cia invented carrots in the 80's to keep rabbits poor."
4. "i spend 75 days out of the year impregnating the president's day chicken to get all those eggs."
5. "those aren't jelly beans, rabbit shit just tastes that good."
6. "you can't give up meth for lent. i've tried."
7. "the only reason they crucified jesus was that nobody had the balls to crucify a giant talking rabbit."
8. "by 1975, i was so tired of regular sex that i decided to fuck bugs bunny. he dressed up like a lady; i give it an 8."
9. "have you ever eaten a chocolate egg filled with rabbit semen wrapped in aluminum foil with 'cadbury' printed on it?"

Push This Button Or The Cripples Have Won

Ever walked by one of these buttons and wondered, 'Why is it that I work hard all day to put food on my family's table, using words like "workforce" and "payroll" and "jobsite," watching "This Old House" and knowing what the fuck Kevin O'Connor is talking about, driving home in my American car and listening to classic rock radio before I honestly, hard-workingly open my screen door made of honest, American aluminum, take off my CAT boots and blow the suds off a few honest, hard-earned Bacardi Silvers, and yet handicapped people don't even have to open doors for themselves? Why do they get to push that button while I have to use my callused God-fearing hands like a fucking caveman?" I think we all have. That's why Dr. Koaladick is letting the world know that these buttons aren't just for handicapped people anymore. SAY GOODBYE to that moment of guilty deliberation and START pushing that button for yourself. Handicapped people are handicapped: it's a fact. According to science there is very little we can do about that. So why can't everyone else benefit from their misfortune? (It's called 'the needs of the many'--look into it you PC-crazed left-wing nutholes.) Maybe this is how our society's disabled can finally give something back.
Wake up people: there is no reason to manually open doors when we have buttons to do that for us. We are living in the future and it's time to accept it. Push that button, or the cripples have won.

Dr. Koala Dick's Geography Corner

FRANCE:
France was founded by group of Canadian explorers in 1858. In 1856 the Canadian Government created the expeditionary group to scout an area of land in the Old World where they could send the "Sovereign Nation of ye olde Crazy Redmen". The group set out in early 1857, but three months into the journey decided it best to attend the first annual MTV spring break in Daytona Beach Florida. The Tangential journey delayed the group seven months but the members of the expeditionary reached a general consensus that "No Doubt" rocked.

France's inviting and majestic Norman coast, the explorers lived like crazed vagabonds commonly engaging in cannibalism, bestiality and the grotesque card game UNO. This continued for nearly a year as the explorers wandered westward. However, on the fourteenth of July, the eight remaining members of the Canadian expeditionary stumbled upon a cabin along the banks of what is now the Seine river. This cabin turned out to be no ordinary Cabin and in fact was an infrequently attended reasonably priced gypsy whorehouse. Finding this a most excellent place to lounge about and be sassy the explorers set up permanent residences alongside the Cabin and thus began settlement of the city of Paris.

Looking at Modern day France it is hard to believe it is the same place settled by eight lazy horny Canadians. Today the borders of France stretch like a veteran whore to contain over 540,000 square kilometers (which is about twenty miles). Inside those borders France is populated by over 60 million people who all speak a language that requires a tone one would only use with small dogs and infants. The population enjoys a delicate cuisine as the average Frenchmen often dines on elegant French cheeses, really long crunchy bread, and his own hollow and meaningless threats--which all taste delicious when washed down by a daily glass of exquisite French wine.

It's also no secret that France's favorite pastime is rioting. This hearty tradition started in 1904, when common Frenchers became upset with the Canadian Monarchy instilled as their government. As protest the Frenchers played several rousing games of tennis before rounding up all the douche bags they could find and cutting their heads off. The very first of these fun games of cat and mouse and pitchfork and reign of terror lasted a record 10 years; a record contemporary Frenchmen have been trying to break ever since.

In 1939, France invaded Poland under the command of Charles De Gaulle and Napoleon Dynamite. Germany attempted to continue its policy of "appeasement" towards the French; however, this tactic succeeded only in inhibiting the preparation of the lazy German army. In 1941, the lazy Germans were overcome and the French marched on Berlin led by Jerry Lewis and a monkey named Chuckles. While France's actions incited a world war their efforts were soon thwarted when they attempted a LAND WAR IN ASIA and found Russia cold and surprisingly absent of Mail Order Brides . On April 30, 1945, while being bombarded by allied planes Charles De Gaulle, his wife Evita Peron, Napoleon Dynamite, and Chuckles all committed suicide by taking cyanide caplets and then slipping on banana peels, knocking themselves unconscious. Those who witnessed the event remarked that it was quite hilarious.

More recently an influx of immigrants has been the force altering the social landscape of France. While the countryside continues to represent traditional France with its rampant bestiality and exploitation placing drunk tourist on bicycles, the urban environment is filled with a new social class determined to take French rioting to new heights. Furthermore, French politicians are attempting to aid this lofty goal by pissing off everyone they possibly can. The current administration have offered economic recessions, steadfast commitment to hidebound policies and a Pro-monkey agenda to incite rioters. So far their efforts have been heartily rewarded.

France also continues its dedication to the arts. France recently announced plans to allow David Blaine to perform his upcoming illusion underneath the Eiffel Tower. In this illusion, as a tribute to France's global contributions, Blaine, using two male assistants will make their genitals disappear while frozen in ice for Forty days. During these forty days he will only be fed emulsified Tabloid newspapers through a tube while his two assistants alternately will sassily declare attributes describing grapes, cheeses, and proper protocol for surrendering. France cannot wait.

Also, French girls are easy,

dr koala dick

God's hazy cosmic jive

It's time to talk about the rapture:

Let me begin this discussion by explaining to those of you operating below OC III (Operating Christian) what the rapture really is. Essentially, according to certain texts interpreted in a certain manner by certain people (who all happen to have television shows that do not air at primetime nor on major networks) God is going to basically evacuate the world of all the good people (who all happen to have their own television shows and an uncanny ability to quote a vague equivocating sentence or two from the bible) before leaving the rest of us to be torn apart in the most bleeding vagina way possible. It's nothing space age like the beliefs of scientology, just good old fashion God kicking man's ass.

Now, if you listened to the people who are Rapture scholars, or Rapturetarians as I call them, or you regularly tuned in to their television shows, you would know that the Rapture is probably going to happen soon. I Hope you kept your Y2k stash stocked like I did. While these Bible geniuses cannot tell you the exact date (The Mayan calendar ends in 2012; hint hint) there are numerous passages indicating that the Earth is ripe for the rapture—most of which are based on the fact that a lot of other bad shit is going down. Be prepared. Soon, a portion of the world’s population is going to be divinely and majestically lifted from this earth—leaving the rest of the population to be tortured and ravaged by demons that probably look like Scott Baio or at least have the same eyebrows.

Many people fear the loss of their loved ones to the Rapture. I say good riddance; more beer and pussy for me. Others, potential Rapturees, worry about the grief caused to their dirty whore of a family member when they are Raptured away from the suck fest that is their pagan son’s life. The Daily Show did a piece on the Rapture a few years ago. Specifically, they did a piece on a service that allows prospective rapturees (PR’s) to write an email message that in the event of the rapture will be sent out to all the friends and family members they like, but have decided are ungodly. This seems like a very Christian act. Rapture emails remind me of that part in the bible (and Mel Gibson’s movie) where Jesus looks down from the cross at the innocent Romans and blatantly Jewish persecutors and says with his last words, “Have a nice life, fuckas!!! It's H-dubs for the J-dubs."

Regardless, this immensely popular service works by having a password mainframe that the PR must sign into every two weeks. If the PR does not sign into the mainframe every two weeks, the prepared email is sent out to the PR’s chosen mailing list. Note that PRs must get a rapture email sitter when leaving the country for missionary work lest they face a very awkward moment of shooting their rapture email load prematurely.

I signed up for an account myself. However, my selected email explains that I most likely have not been Raptured, which is probably due to a little bit of awesome experimentation I did in college and the fact that I don’t believe Jesus is the son of God (he seems more of a second cousin type to me). My email further extols that more likely I have been kidnapped by pissed off fundamental Christians and harmed in as many Jerry Fallwell approved ways as possible. I ask my friends to check the crawlspace under my house, the local dumpster and the East river for any clues of my whereabouts.

Now, I can imagine some of you are still skeptical about the Rapture. You doubt the Rapture’s magic. But let me tell you, I have seen it happen many a time. My car keys are Raptured practically daily. My glasses are also frequently Raptured. My girlfriend's birthday, important documents, childhood pets and sense of decency have all been Raptured. I must say, it’s pretty cool.

Now I will admit that at first this whole rapture thing was perplexing even to me. However, once you realize it’s happening, you get used to it. It's become a comfortable element of my everyday life. I used to yell at my mother, accusing her of moving all my drug paraphernalia and porn, but now I know it’s just God borrowing it for a god time and then keeping and holding onto it for me until I'm ready to use it for HIM, or whenever he's bored with it. By the way big man, I'm still looking for my old nintendo. When something's gone Raptured, rather than frantically panic, I just continue my day knowing God will return it from its state of Rapture when he God damn feels like it. Often times it seems like the only things God doesn't rapture from me are my virility and quick wit--coincidently these are the only two things I'll need come doomsday.

Raptureing your mind,
dr. koala dick

saturn bashing

dear universe, when are you gonna get with the fucking program? it's about time every one of you sacked up or ovaried up or whatever-it-is-you've-goted up and embraced the doctor koala dick happy wholesome oligarchy solution. you may hold on to your kings and your presidents and their glorious verbal handjobs; kd desires not the spotlight. all around us there are wrenches fucking with the works, and yes, the future looks bleak. but doctor koala dick's unique perspective and unparalleled innate brilliance can drag us out of this cosmic mire and into the age of unlimited excellence.

this universe is in a shambles. i mean, just take a look at our own galaxy. have any of you seen saturn? i know!! saturn is a blight on the milky way, has contributed next to nothing to interstellar culture, and has traded more bj's for crack cocaine than anyone else in recorded history. how long are we gonna put up with this ringed derelict before somebody lays the hammer down?

and hey, what about colorado? i have had it up to here with you, colorado. you sit there with your ski resorts and your uberdank ounces of mary jane and think you're soooo cool. you guys act like you invented mountain dew and smoking pot but anybody with half an education knows that isaac newton discovered mountain dew while under the influence of some primo white widow and presented it to the public at the first x games in 1710. the universe was extreme before you got here, colorado. get over it.

doctor koala dick is sick of this place. do you know what it feels like to be living in the year 2006 without wakeboard lanes on all the highways? this is supposed to be the future! isaac newton discovered mountain dew like 300 years ago!

so why don't you all just close your eyes and let the doctor go to work? doctor koala dick will install wakeboard lanes in all major highways within three years, wipe colorado from the map, and stick it to saturn like nobody has before.

because we deserve better.

and because fuck saturn.
dkd

Abraham Lincoln: shafted on BJ's?

Today, the thirteenth of February, we celebrate the birth of one of our nation's greatest leaders. In today's post-Pangea society, it is important to reflect on our current state and how we got here--a reflection not unlike the State of the Union address, but with more clapping--and to recognize those responsible for making life a little bit easier for all of us.
Lincoln was one of those guys. He basically won the Civil War for the Union, until '70s rock band Lynrd Skynrd won it back for the South and then died in a plane crash, a crash so epic that the South was no longer able to utilize its railroad infrastructure because the instruction manual for trains was encoded in Freebird and all the conductors were too sad to listen to it anymore, thus leaving the South without its prime advantage--an agrarian economy coupled with the inability to recognize fair criticism from Neil Young.

Lincoln freed the slaves. This was fucking huge. He also restrained himself from wording the emancipation proclamation: 'Dear South, read the declaration of independence--carefully this time--and pull your heads out of your asses. There will be plenty of time to work on your shitty truck after we take care of this.'
Lincoln also came through big time for Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan in the end of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, thus becoming the first U.S. president to tell San Dimas, CA to 'party on, dudes.' Lincoln's birthday reminds us of many things we take for granted, things this man gave us while asking little in return. A true public servant, seated firmly in the pantheon of American heroes, Lincoln can be a lesson to us all.

But his birthday raises a fairly obvious question: what's it like to celebrate one's birthday a mere day away from Valentine's Day? Did Mrs. Lincoln give him both a birthday blowjob and a Valentine's Day blowjob? Or, did Lincoln have it like kids with birthdays near Christmas, and have to get combination birthday-Valentine's Day blowjobs? Was Mrs. Lincoln even into bj's (and by into i mean willing to)? Did people even do that back then?

Now many people will tell you that Lincoln was gay. Just last week a history major friend of mine told me he'd read an epistolary correspondence between Lincoln and some other 1800s guy, and that some of the letters sounded pretty gay. For instance, Lincoln apparently wrote to this guy after he'd stayed with him, and mentioned something about how the dude's thighs felt when he and Lincoln were in bed. Now that sounds pretty gay. But, America, you have to understand: this was the 1800s. Back then EVERYONE was gay.

Think about it. Charles Darwin, Walt Whitman, Guglielmo Marconi: gay, gay, gay (especially Marconi). What's astonishing about all this is that Abraham Lincoln was NOT, in fact the first gay president: John Adams, who held the office from 1797 - 1801, and thus was president when the big gay 1800 new year's ball dropped, retains that distinction.

But my point is this: it doesn't matter that Lincoln was gay, because gay men need something special on Valentine's Day too. Back to the original topic at hand, my guess is that Lincoln got the two special acts only in years during which he had done something particularly great, like 1861-65. Before that, he was busy walking miles and miles to return dimes and losing the Lincoln-Douglas debates. He made a damn good showing, but that's not really worthy of double dome, now is it?

i think we all know the answer to that,
Dr. Koaladick

mail call

"doctor koala dick, i have a two part question: why do you post so sporadically, and why is everything you write so good?"
-timmy, age 13
kuala lumpur, malaysia

timmy, my little friend, this is not a website for 13 year old boys. i'm gonna spare you a lot of trouble and just be up front with you right here from the get-go: there is little to no pornography on the dr. koala dick blog. what the hell are you doing here? there is exactly one reason to own a computer when you're 13 years old, and the smart money says it isn't video conferencing. what the fuck does a 13 year old need email for? welcome to the internet, there's naked girls everywhere! invest in broadband.

"dr koaladick, why is there war and inequity in the world?"
-amy sue, age 24
harbin, china

well, amy sue, war and inequity are actually fairly easy to understand. for instance, your home, harbin, lies in china's northeasternmost province, heilongjiang, a name that translates into english as 'black dragon river,' the chinese name for the amur river. did you catch that? translates into english. so, what, you're too good to just name your province in english in the first place? you know damn well we can't understand a word you're saying! you know damn well! so guess what? we're gonna declare war on you, amy sue. or, at least, we will as soon as we pop out several hundred million children and raise them in combat training camps organized by chuck norris and jet li. that's right, fucking jet li. ha! didn't see that one coming, did you jet li? modern warfare is really just about americans being pissed at everyone else for not talking american. we know that everyone in asia knows some kind of karate, but no one in asia has chuck norris. so take heed, china, and get ready for hundreds of millions of idiosyncratic roundhouse kicks to the face. also, as far as the whole seemingly inevitable war with islam thing goes, if muhammad had just spoken english he coulda been bigger than red lobster.

why is there inequity in the world? because fuck you, i want a golden toilet.

"dr koala dick, for some reason, sex just isn't that exciting for me anymore. i can't seem to maintain an erection or perform for my girlfriend. what's my problem?"
richie, age 33
novosibirsk, russia

among all the questions posed to the doctor, this is by far the most prevalent. it comes up again and again. however, the ultimate cure for the semblance of male impotence is, in 99.9% of cases, among the simplest to administer in all of the doctor's vast medical repertoire: gentlemen, please, for the last time, STOP WEARING CONDOMS. sexually transmitted diseases are nothing more than superstitious hogwash perpetuated by the liberal media in an attempt to keep you from having a sweet-ass time. also, though they've kept it a well guarded secret since god created us 6,010 years ago, women are physically incabable of becoming pregnant unless they pray three times to a my little pony doll. while my little ponies can easily be concealed somewhere among the nooks and crannies of your ho's room, if after a careful inspection you cannot find any, you can be relatively certain that this bitch ain't about to get all gravid. you sold your soul to the devil, richie. and the devil was latex.

never ever wear condoms
dkd

santa doesnt like you if you're poor

it's true. conduct an exit poll on christmas morning. collect your data and take a good look and surely you will agree that santa doesn't like you if you're poor. if you're rich, santa brings you like a new car or stock options or something similarly badass. if you're poor, santa brings you maybe christmas dinner. isn't santa kind of an asshole? why would he do something like this? what could bring one of the jolliest, most worshipped dudes on the planet to mollycoddle the fat cats? the answer is simple: santa claus fucking DOESN'T EXIST!!

dkd

The Worst Surprise Party Ever

Every year it happens. Jesus wakes up with a wicked hangover from his whatever night of the week it is party, and finds his celestial bedroom filled with the souls of roughly one and half millennia of jackfucks. When he starts to open his eyes, "SURPRISE!!!" roars from the chorus of nincompoops. At this hour--7am (Christians get up way too fucking early), this declaration of "surprise" is as nauseating as the mental image of Michael Bolton and Kenny G sixty-nining.

Jesus politely smiles at the crowd. He does this because he's Jesus, the Son of God, and the only being capable of keeping his composure in a situation this awkward. However, the smile never lasts long. Jesus is forced to pull the covers over his head. Safely hidden, Jesus thinks to himself, "Jesus, who the fuck are these people in my bedroom?" After a short period of time, the onlookers begin to pull the covers away from Jesus and shower him with crappy presents. Thus begins the shittest day in heaven for Jesus; December 25th.

You see the only thing worse than a surprise party (and they always suck), is a surprise party on the wrong day. It's bad enough on its own to be ambushed into quality time with your M R family and jerk off coworkers. On your birthday though, you can rationalize it as their misplaced generosity on the one day they can be total shits to you while you're completely handcuffed by a “day of your birth” stipulation. However, say these monkeyshits forgot your birthday, or didn't know it in the first place. Say they just picked a random Tuesday on the calendar (cause you were born on a Tuesday, they think) and all convened at your house unbeknownst to you. Say Tuesday is the day you wank off to macchio porn, Macchio Day if you will. And say you had a bad day at work and all you want to do is lube it up to Karate Kid II. Then bam.... "Surprise". Say they did this every year.

Well Guess what.... this is what "Christians" do to Jesus every year.

Surprise America, you fucking idiots. I'm cool with the whole season of giving thing. I love the holidays. Keep the holidays; the world needs charity, kids need sweet ass toys, and I need my girlfriend to have as many reasons a possible to have sex with me. It's good for the economy. It's probably even bad for the terrorists (I imagine it's more difficult to pull off an attack when all the good parking spots are taken). All I’m saying is leave your Jesus pretensions at home. He doesn't want a part of this. Recently there has been a move by some groups to put the "Christ" back in Christmas. From under the covers surrounded by dead assholes Jesus says, “Eff You”.

Every moron that has watched the history channel for more then ten minutes knows that Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas. That's why smart people like the Doctor call it "X-Mas". So how did this confusion begin,, you ask? Allow me to explain:

You see every year Europeans, such as the Celts, the Romans, the Germans, The Norse and the Finnnnnnnns, all had a parties around December.
What were they celebrating? Some celebrated the solstice. Others just celebrated because it was cold as balls and they wanted to get drunk (Jerkoffs in Boston, does this ring a bell?). At a certain point a bunch of prude ass Christians showed up to the party and asked some cool dudes what was going on. The cool dudes realized that Christians were a total buzz kill so they planned their answer carefully. The conversation which probably took place in Ireland or England or something might have gone like this:

EXT. Europe-Night
It’s cold but peeps be crunk and kicking it by the fire. There is music and bitches.

Fundamental Christian: what's this going on here
Cool Dude 1: what are you talking about christian guy?
FC: This party here?
Cool Dude 2: Oh that.
Cool Dude 1: Um, what's the geyser you guys really really fancy?
FC: our lord and savior jesus christ
CD 1: yeah, it’s his birthday or something.
FC: it is?
CD 2: totally.
FC: We shall call it Christmas
CD 1: whatever.

Now I hope this "Christ" in Christmas issue and the whole boycott situation is a ploy by religious groups just to see how much lame ass pull they actually have. I really hope they aren't serious. Leave Jesus alone, he’s a grown ass man. He's tired, and his head hurts.

Playing the part of Cool Dude #1,
Dr. Koala Dick

nostalgia is for pussies

Oh my god you guys: do you remember the '80s? I remember them SO hard.

Remember metal lunchboxes? They were SO cool. Remember David Hasselhoff, and Michael Jackson when he was cool and wore that piano t-shirt? Oh my god, remember that piano t-shirt? I do. Remember Pacman? And Top Gun? Pacman and Top Gun were awesome. Remember "Afterschool Special?"

Remember Gorbachev? Remember that spot on his head? That spot on Gorbachev's head was SO '80s.

I want to fuck the '80s. Oh my god. I want the '80s to drip honey all over me and love me slow. I want to give the '80s a handjob and NEVER wash my hand. I want to smell like the 80's genitals for weeks.

Remember Atari?

Sometimes I have dreams about the '80s and I wake up and my pants are all wet. What's that about? Is there maybe a book on this that I can read and discover things about the '80s and my body and how I can please the '80s in the way it wants me to? I'm only 15, but I swear to God I remember this stuff.

Remember slap bracelets, and G.I. Joe, and Fraggle Rock?

Remember Cagney and Lacey?

No, you don't asshole. No one under the age of 25 does: you're not fooling anyone. How about this one: remember walking around the mall and being suffocated by clouds of Aquanet? Remember acid rain? That shit was caused by the big hair trend. Remember all that shitty music? Remember motherfucking Poison, for God's sake? Remember the threat of nuclear annihilation? (alright, that was okay. a healthy dose of existential dread actually brings out the best in us.) But remember poverty, and the President saying he didn't think there was a reason for anyone in America to be poor? Remember the war on drugs? Yeah, righteous. I SO want to be a kid again, UH! I want to masturbate to pictures of tube socks, members only jackets and the war on drugs. The war on drugs was SO '80s.

I'm not saying that Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Fraggle Rock and everything else I actually do remember from my childhood weren't entirely fucking sweet, but can we please stop pimping them out like Thai hookers? If you handed Voltron three dollars and said "hey, I remember you SO hard. I remember you harder than any of the other rising juniors at the University of Michigan. Will you go down on me?" he would fuck you up with his huge sword.

Please. At least have the decency to nostalgify the early 90's too. they had Sublime and Bill Clinton.

No Voltron BJ's,
Doctor Koaladick

Dr. Koala Dick: For Your Information

*A new segement where the doctor lays down the science without even having to write sentences.

Things This Kid is Allergic to:
Peanuts, Cats, Bee Stings, Wheat, Gluton, Dragons, Caps Lock, Riding in the Back Seat, Doing Laundry, Driving, Going to Class Sober, Condoms, Having Sex With Ugly Girls, Voting, Shampoo, Going Down, Losing Socks, Being Polite, Homework, South America, Charity Work, Relationships, Farts, Reading, Rain, Getting His Ass Kicked, Being Told What to Do, Super Mario Bros. II , Star Trek, CBS, Not Having a Pet Monkey, Going to Parties, Flying Stand-By, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, The News, French People, Carrot Cake, Picking Up his Cell Phone, Speaking Spanish, Valentines Day, Masturbating with His left Hand, Taxes, Medicaid, Sloppy Seconds, Crappy Cars, Punctuation, Calvin Coolidge, Bird Flu, Being Poor, Candyland, Fingerblasting Softly, Texas, Radio, Talking to Girls, Girl Talk, Independent Films, Winter, Cybering With Grils Older Than Fifteen, Chapstick, Wankers, Watching Animal Planet, Leather Pants, Being Convincted By a Jury, Military Service, Your Mother's Minge, Being Picked Last, Jizz, Waking Up Before Noon, Hasselhoff, Warming the Bench, Sasquatch.

menstruation station

dear science,
can we please come up with a new word for this? vaginal bleeding is already gross enough without that 'trua' sound being involved. the last time i heard someone say this word i vomited all over a fucking bus. people thought that was gross, but i pointed at the person on the bus who said it and told them 'YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WHOLE BUS GETTING PUKED ON. GET OFF! WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE WITH YOUR DIRTY VAGINA TALK. PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE MORE PEOPLE ARE SOAKED IN VOMIT.'
most of the other people on the bus did not agree with me and found my shouting to be inappropriate. fuck them. that word is sick and should be publicly banned. did you know there's an island somewhere on which cursing is illegal? it's because it's all owned by this one guy who makes the rules. i think i saw that on pbs one time. it's probably true.
i think that if thomas jefferson were around today, he would agree with me that the word 'menstruation' severely impinges on my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. how can i be happy when i'm forced to think about that shit? i can't. jefferson, being a supporter of an agrarian economy, would also probably support a return to the golden age of forcing women to spend five days a month alone in a hut. also, the women should have to build the huts because this is in no way my problem.
in my expert medical opinion, that shit is gross.


this is simply unacceptable,
dr. koaladick

an open letter to richael mobbins

you just shut the hell up. seriously. that's what you do. the next time you're faced with an opportunity to talk some bullshit about whatever the hell it is you're ever talking about, you just shut the hell up. know what? you know what? i don't care if you wear a kilt. Mel Gibson, aka THE BRAVEHEART, told me that everybody in Scotland thinks you're a piece of shit. everybody! even the president of Scotland heard about that night at the Glasgow Zoo with the chimpanzee, and he text messaged, like, everybody.

China hates you. there are over one thousand three hundred million people in China. do you have any idea what it takes to get 1.3 billion people to agree on anything? well, apparently all it takes is two little words long: your bullshit.

Mel Gibson, aka THE BRAVEHEART, creator of The Passion of The Christ, let me in on a little secret. You see, apparently it was your fault that our lord and savior died, robbins, and not the fault of those pernicious jews as Mel had kind of led us to believe. jesus wasn't even really crucified. did you know that? jesus heard about the thing with the chimpanzee and he gave up on humanity and put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. are you beginning to understand the consequences of your bullshit? because of you, maybe the greatest black man ever to be painted white and appropriated by assholes killed himself, and the guys in charge had to come up with this whole cruciFICTION just so more people wouldn't find out about the night with the chimp and go kill themselves. that means you're also pretty much responsible for the crusades.

seriously, richael. chimp fucking is one thing, but getting fucked BY the chimp? and liking it? and videotaping it? and sending out copies of the tape as christmas cards when the act portrayed on said christmas card tapes DIRECTLY CAUSED THE DEATH OF CHRIST?

you just shut the hell up. that's what you do.

let me tell you how to beget

"Wouldn't it be great if they made, like a "Sesame Street", but for kids?"
-Ali G

Stop me if I get too vulgar…

I'm all for children's programming. As a youngster, I went to see Sesame Street on Ice. I found it to be a fun and educational time. I learned a lot about the letter G (as in Goat), the number 12, how to ice skate with a cape on (thanks Count), and I also learned that when you throw up cotton candy it kind of glows in the dark. All learning aside, I'm older now, and while i value the lessons educational programming has taught me, i have some issues and reservations with the blumpkin Bolsheviks down at PBS.

I know what you're thinking, here we go again. I agree with you. I think it would be sad to have a Blog totally designed for the purpose of reaming people. However, Dr. Koala Dick is clearly not that kind of institution. Koala Dick, from time to time, merely stumbles upon questions essential to threadwork of our goddamn society, and asks them in a very loud, public and anonymous manner. Sure, there is the occasional reaming, but I refer any complaints to the words uttered by the great Julius Caesar, "Fuck the Fuckheads".

So, why the fuck are Clifford the Big Red Dog, AND Big Bird so huge? And how this gone unquestioned for so long? What kind of sick bastard seeks to confuse impressionable children into believing that seven foot tall yellow birds and tsunami sized dogs actually exists? Was Sesame Street just down the ye olde road from Chernobyl? And if these freakish creatures did indeed exists, do you really believe they would be nice? I think we can all deduce from simple laws of nature and instinct that such dynamo creatures like the ones we are discussing would own independent Kingdoms. These Kingdoms would each resemble a primitive feudalistic society that is barely worth describing because it would be insult to the jack holes that find "Mad Max Three: Beyond ThunderDome" an acceptable film.

Brief “Kodak Moments” might include: Big Bird flying around the steel cage, Big Bird ripping out the hearts of challengers with his ginormous beak, and Big Bird retiring to his bed to gently sex up Tina Turner while screaming about getting his laundry done. Also,

Clifford would probably invade Manhattan like fucking Hannibal, take huge craps in central park, and run some kind of posse/ dog gang from his Trump Tower Penthouse (if the fuckcastle still existed). Whether or not this happens before the Nuclear Holocaust, I do not know. But again, to expose children to these treacherous possibilities is simply wrong.

The only thing more perplexing than the Big Bird/Clifford complex is how the fuck Sesame Street is habitat to both a Huge Yellow Bird (which clearly identifies him a tropical species) and a Wolly Mammoth. According to most scientific analysis the species Mammuthus primigenius became extinct roughly 30,000 years ago. While I wondering how Sesame Street obtained the Mammoth Monopoly owning the last member of its species, my sister reminded me that Snuffleupagus does indeed have a wife and a child.

The Snuffleupagus Family, if that is even their real name, must have the most interesting and twisted family tree this side of Arkansas/West Virgina/Mississippi/Alabama/any other retarded state, line. In case you missed it, I implied there was incest involved, good old fashioned Incest. I hear the babes always fall for the "survival of our species" contingency--its probably something about their natural mothering intuition. Somewhere down the line a Snuffleupagus ancestor was probably forced to breed outside its species. This might be the only time in my life I say, “We can only hope it was with an Elephant”.

Either way, this revelation explained a lot. Sesame Street is not about educating our children, but instead it aims to instill survival skills into a mentally retarded, lonely Woolly Mammoth.

The real tragedy is that for this Mammoth to continue his species, Big Snuffleupagus would have to first endure a reverse Henry VIII scenario; banging away in hopes for a female counterpart. Then comes the truly disgusting part where Snuffleupagus junior is forced to repeatedly jam his sister like goddman Noah of the Ark. Frankly the whole Mammoth Repopulation Endgame as is disgust me. The fact they would even include the possibility of such a scenario in what we accept as a children's shows is evidence of the variety of bell ends employed at PBS. You don't believe me? watch the funding telethon, its priceless the crap they try and pawn off on you. If there's any real lesson to be taken from the aforementioned Mammoth predicament, i think we can all look at Snuffleupagus Jr. as a perfect case for continuing cloning research.

what the eff is Elmo?

dr koala dick

ED NOTE: Upon further research, Dr, Koala Dick discovered that Aloysius Snuffleupagus, who I referred to as “Snuffleupagus Jr.” does indeed have a sister, Alice Snuffleupagus

boxing's been good to me

Does anybody know what the deal is with Ronald McDonald? Did he go to a certified clown college or was he home schooled? My guess was he was home schooled. I can't imagine a clown institution set on being as zany as Ronald, and yet being so corporate. I bet clowns at small liberal art clown colleges label Ronald a "sell out" while simultaneously hitting the nitrous, and dying their hair normal colors like hardcore clowns.

Anyways, I don't work at a McDonald’s, not that there's anything wrong with it, but thank god. I'm just saying in the event I am ever given unrestricted access to a Soft Serve machine this country will look a lot different; lactose non-tolerants will be pissed.

Soft Serve pipe dreams aside, I instead spend my time working at art gallery. We own and sell paintings crafted by some of the greatest masters of the 20th century. Some of them are worth over a million dollars, I, however, make boxes. When I signed on to be an assistant curator I assumed for the most part I would be hanging things, painting walls and using a sweet ass electric drill Johnny Wayne style. Unfortunately, I was unaware of the ubiquitous equation of the art world, Art + Dude with College Degree = Doing something with boxes.

It's not that i dislike my job entirely, or that I find box making to be an incredibly tedious activity (I find ways to make it fun). It's just well...only in the art world would they pay an educated man ten dollars an hour to craft boxes—especially when children in third world countries do it for pennies on the dollar. Plus, I mean, I read Pynchon—and understand parts of it, and they expect me to contently make boxes.

The whole thing is bizarre. One would think and institution such as an art gallery, which ships many things of varying size would have a organized fleet of boxes. Perhaps that same institution might also have a box supplier, from which to buy new and specialized boxes. Instead, we have three piles of assorted cardboard and Styrofoam all unclaimed relics for previous pieces, arranged much in the same manner as the background junkyards in those “Save the Children of Africa for Fifty Cents a Day” commercials. It’s embarrassing and intriguing at the same time.

As all good things commence, the whole process generally starts with my boss humming. I've learned this specifically means he's thinking about the relationship of one object to another. More often not, this state of mind is derived from the fact that after we receive a piece, the box it came in always seems to disappear. I suspect this is because we use that box to send off something else we lost the box too, perpetuating a terrible cycle that now dominates my life.

The only reasonable explanation I can conceive of is that the previous box is pinched by Box Gnomes, reputed for their ability to make comfortable and affordable housing out of cardboard. This free source of cardboard would explain the affordability. However, I have played out the Box Gnome scenario numerous times in my head, and thwarting our security system would require a tactical strategy seemingly too complex for any variety of Gnome.

Either way, before actual box making begins my boss and I usually trudge around our three packaging archives (which are essentially the previously mentioned piles of old Styrofoam and cardboard) for about a half hour. We cavil about politics and music while we pick up random scraps of refuse briefly pretending to recognize them as the lost box. We both know this quest is, for the most part, futile. As we begin to hit a lull in the conversation, my boss will usually sit down and eye or perhaps paw a box, or apparatus obviously larger and disparately shaped than the piece we intend to ship. He then suggests that I rig a box for our selected piece of this material. I of course agree, because who complains when they are being paid ten dollars an hour to dick around with cardboard, Styrofoam peanuts, tape, a utility knife, and a painting worth more than their life.

The first real step to box making is perhaps the most important. After my boss leaves the room, and before i cut or touch anything, i grab a beverage or my choice for the gallery's stock of refreshments for shows and place it in the fridge--this will be important later.

Then I return to the work table spend a few moments just staring at the piece. What I'm doing here is interpreting the piece and attempting to conceive what style of box this piece would most enjoy--where the tape should go, the thickness of the cardboard, and how many times I'm should fuck up and cut something vital attachment off.

The crafting then begins. I use no sort of measuring tool, so that means I “eyeball” pretty much the entire thing. Since I usually get things wrong. This equates to a box where the sides are almost assuredly always uneven. I have learned though, that doesn't mean anything. Also, I can pretty much guarantee that parts of the box will be bent, in places they shouldn't be bent, and in a manner they shouldn't be bent. This is also irrelevant. In many ways my box is much like the wang of and scarcely worked male porn star-- Dirk Diggler, the middle years. The said porn star keeps waiting, practicing and wtahcing film for his big day--his big return, and in doing so contorts and twists his man piece into curves and shapes neither known too nor desired by nature. However, while he is stuck his new mangled form; my box has the benefit of tape.

When the cardboard is all cut and set i use this crappy, clearly German, tape dispenser to compress my creation into shape. Since the dispenser is total rubbish, i usually mysteriously cut myself on the knife--that is unable to cut tape, and often apply way more tape than is considered acceptable. The end result often draws skepticism from my boss regarding the structural stability of the box. More often than not, I agree with his misgivings are agree to make the proper modifications. These modifications simply require adding more tape, and in lots of places. After i do this i grab the aforementioned beverage from the refrigerator and chill out for ten minutes, sipping it and staring into space.

Then it’s time to call Fed Ex. From calling Fed Ex numerous times not only have i learned that their hotline is one misdialed number form a phone sex number, but i believe i have also developed a good repoire with the Fed Ex automated answering woman. She really listens to me. Many times it's like she knows what I'm am going to say before I even say it.

After I schedule a pick up for the package i have to label the package with instructions--such as which end is top, and indicate the package as fragile. This is the money shot of boxing. While it seems mundane and simple, no matter what age you are, it’s difficult to not to describe an excuse to sniff markers as remarkably exciting. While many marker connoisseurs would say all permanent markers sniff the same, I personally have taking a liking to RED (readers and gift givers make note, Christmas is coming rapidly).

Also, I forgot to mention that i get to weigh the package. This would be a step of little significance if we had a sensible scale. Unfortunately our scale has a base of about 9 square inches, and many of the packages we send weigh over 50 lbs or where the scale maxes out. So weighing translates into balancing and approximating.

After about an hour Fed Ex usually arrives. By Fed Ex, I mean a small troll lady who always shows up at the wrong door. When she finds out she's at the wrong door, she explodes into a list of excuses. After I tell her it's alright, we'll just have to walk an extra forty feet, and that it’s really no problem she momentarily calms down. This subdued state continues until she's the package or packages, the it becomes the equivalent of the worst Christmas ever. When she sees that perhaps some of the boxes tower over her, it’s like the fucking holocaust just started and she trying to figure out how to get out of Poland. So, again, I become the pacifier and end up carrying fucking 120lbs of packages to the truck, like i fucking work for them, where she waits for me and pretends to do something important.

Granted, this is all I do all day. In true "Office Space" fashion I probably do roughly and hour of good hard concentrated work for every five hours they pay me. The rest of the time is spent scanning the internet, staring at the art pretending to think complex thoughts, and playing with my swivel chair. Regardless, I have college degree. Boxing, while entertaining is below me. I should be something that requires a little more intellect and strategy, like porn.

I learned to box like Lincoln talked,

dr koala dick

ps. you use your semicolons your way, and I'll use mine my way.

range of fire

so i work at this driving range. to make matters worse, i commute there. it's an hour and change away from my apartment, and there's no public transportation that goes to driving ranges, so i have to drive the whole way. also, i get paid $7.50/hr. why do i do this, you ask: for the motherfucking memories.

like this one: a kid comes in and asks how much for a soda. we sell them for $2.50, which is by no means a popular move, and i think may actually be a policy specifically designed to make my life even more miserable than it already is. so i tell the kid how much, and he says 'i'll give you two dollars.' i suppress my urge to say 'what is this a goddamn barter economy? are we in fucking istanbul?' and instead tell him 'sorry,' at which point he shoots me the ambiguous one-liner, 'you're a good businessman.' as he leaves, the person i'm ringing up says, 'do you know that guy?' i say 'no, i think he was just a douche.'

or this one: a dude in a spandex-tight blue shirt named sergio comes in with his girlfriend and wants to use a driver. we have a selection of sweet drivers for people to demo, and we charge $5 for it. again, this is a policy that i have to explain to, and in turn be frowned at by, total nutsacks all the time. while i'm ringing someone else up, sergio tries in vain to pull a club out of a car where it's locked and says 'you charge for the drivers? how can you call yourself a driving range? i mean, doesn't that defeat the whole purpose?' i pretend not to hear him, but he keeps looking at me, so i say 'no, i mean, you can use other clubs,' and again point to the irons we let people use for free. instead of letting it go, he says once more 'i just don't see how you can call yourself a driving range, i mean, to pay, for the drivers?' at this poing i'm thinking 'go away sergio. just go away.' instead i say 'back when i named the place i didn't really think about that.' he decides he wants to rent one so i go over to where he's standing, hand still on the clubhead, and unlock one for him. as i'm doing it, he says to his girlfriend, 'i like montreal so much better, they let you use the clubs for free there.' if only sergio had been in montreal that day.

or this one: a guy comes in and says 'where's the offtrack betting place?'
i say, 'i have no idea.'
'you know, you get off the highway, there's a sign, "OTB" and then...'
i have never seen this sign before in my life. i tell him that.
he says 'i gotta place some bets' and leaves.

or this one: a french woman calls me on the phone asking for directions. not only is she overtly french, putting an unnecessary 'uh' on the end of all her words (case in point: 'can you tell mee-uh how to get to the golf-uh range-uh?' to which i respond '...yeah'), she also has the common personality disorder of not listening to people when they talk. she tells me she's in the parking lot of the golf course adjacent to the range. i give her directions, which consist of three turns. i have to do this three times, because each time she tells me 'eet eesn't wuuurkeeng.' i realize, after the second session of directions-giving, that she is, in fact, at a different golf course, one with a vaguely similar name, but it takes a while to convince her of this. And stress vaguely: there are two words in the name of the course where i work and only one in the name of the one where she is confusedly making donuts, or perhaps croissants, in the parking lot, talking on her cell phone.
she eventually arrives, and proceeds to clusterfuck the whole operation by making me listen to her half-french, half-english, i-just-got-off-the-boat-from-the-goddamn-riviera dialect while there's a huge line of people just trying to hit some golf balls like decent god-fearing, god-loathing and god-ambivalent americans, scratching their heads and their nutsacks while they check out this once-hot middle-aged french woman's ass (she's wearing tights). oh yeah, and she doesn't pay any attention at all when i answer her qeustions, so she repeats the same ones with the same extra 'uh's, all for an unnecessary amount of time. she is trying to sign up her french kids for golf lessons. i'm thinking 'yeah, good idea french lady, this is going to turn out great. your kids don't speak english, and they are going to SUCK.'
she gets them signed up just in time, right before the lesson is about to start. the kids go outside, and she wants me to help her find a left-handed junior club for her son who is not only french but left-handed. it goes something like this:
'ummm, weeel you help meee find-uh the right club-uh?'
'yes, one second, let me ring these gentlemen up first, seeing as they are merely trying to purchase golf balls and all speak american.'
'okay-uh, because i can't find-uh...' she trails off while puttering around in the bin of loaner clubs.
i ring up one guy, and there's still about four in line when she asks me again for help.
'just one second, ma'am,' i say.
'the class is starting.' she throws her hands in the air and leaves in a huff.
when i go over to the rental clubs, the first one i see is a left-handed junior club, perfectly-sized for this tiny french kid. i take it out to her and she is utterly mystified by my observational acumen and club-finding ability. 'how-uh deed you know-uh? eet eesn't wreeten anywhere.'
i calmly explain to her that left-and right-handed clubs physically face different ways when you look at them.

or this one: a guy who comes in frequently, but, like the aforementioned hanger-on, never purchases anything, and who draws his victims into confusing conversations about people he once knew, dropping names as if they're supposed to mean something and assuming his victims know what in god's name he's talking about, and who always makes some odd comparison between whatever topic he's inflicted and the game of golf, then laughs hysterically to himself as he waves goodbye, tries to get me to sell insurance for his friend from his days in the army.

or this one: i see an old man outside while i'm walking up and down the range, picking up empty buckets. he is wearing an old man hat. he stops me to tell me how the place has gone totally to shit. he rattles off several names of people who used to work there, people i've never heard of in my life, and i give him sort of a blank but affable look throughout, and then say 'yeah, i don't know, i just started here recently.' he proceeds to tell me that, of the fifteen pros that used to work there, all have left since the 'new' management has come in, and concludes by contrasting my place of employment with a nearby golf course which is, according to him, '300% better than when the fuckin county used to run it). then he points to the range building and says 'i mean, i'm italian too, but those fuckin dagos don't know what they fuck they're doing,' to which i say, 'i see.' i then proceed to look around, and fail to notice any golf clubs near this guy. he isn't standing by one of the asto-turf mats, and i don't recall selling him a bucket of balls, so i say, when he lets me get a word in, 'so did you just come by to check the place out?' he doesn't seem to understand, says no, and starts telling me about some clubs he has at home. when i get the chance to speak again, i say, 'uh-huh. so did you come by just to see what's going on?' and he says 'no i don't know what the fuck's going on here.' to which i reply, 'you and me both.'
the next time i see him, he comes in asking if anyone has inquired about some lost clubs he found on the range, and says 'you know, i didn't want to give them to you guys, cause i don't know if you guys would sell them or what, you know, i don't need em, i got about a hundred clubs at home, but you know, i don't want to just leave em here.' i say, 'i don't think we'd sell them, i mean, people usuallly just put them in the lost and found, that way whoever lost them can find them.' predictably, he remains resistant to my logic. i finally say, 'that's what the lost and found is: people lose clubs, then they get found, and that's where they go.'

these anecdotes may have seemed foreigner-heavy, but let me assure you: it's not just the foreigners. i have a theory: people will act as stupid as you let them. unfortunately for me, i am paid to let them act however they damned well please, which is pretty fuckin stupid.

and it burns, burns, burns,
the range of fire

dr. koaladick

Pass the Lotion

I don't watch award shows, but I'm not going to pretend like I didn't see ten minutes of this past week's Emmy awards. And sure, I'll concede that i like watching celebrities pretend how to read in front of a large group of people. I'll even concede that I think the "disastrous" and "accidental" nipple slips are funny and society find them strangely arousing (I'm on to you Nicholas Cage, three wardrobe malfunctions in a row is NOT a coincidence). I even like it when actors, actresses, and credentialed key grips across the board use the time we use to celebrate them, to make bold political statements (i.e.- "It's time to bring the boys home and send the Hurricanes to Iraq). However, i have to draw the line somewhere and say "hey, you there, stop the industry reach around, we live in a society".

But indeed, society we exist in, and our parents created, loves the reach around. Sharing; Friends selfless helping friends from behind them is what we’re all about. Kindergarten, (which sounds suspiciously German to me) lays this foundation of unconditional generosity for us at an early age as we share crayons, knowledge of dirty words, and pink eye with our peers. From age five or six this foundation continues winding itself through a Byzantine maze of complex emotions and gambling debts. What a fucking sweet Utopia.

The Emmy's captured the pinnacle moment of this self congratulatory society. The ten minutes of magic i captured involved the award for best performance by somebody not named David Letterman. This embodiment of real genius emrged when Hugh Jackman was awarded an Emmy for his performance hosting the Tony's. Upon recollection i decided that the discontinuation of production of Delorean's aside, this was perhaps the most heinously banal figurative sixty-nine ever perpetrated by mankind. Through the blinding rage (not that it particularly enraged me, i just like to think of reasons to give television the finger) I was forced to envision who-- or more specifically what type of person, Hugh Jackman had to suck off to pull out this one. I bet he wears contacts and loves his wife dearly.

Then, to perpetuate my exercise, I imagined all the people across the country and around the world watching the Emmy's who were relieved when Jackman won. These people empathized with Jackman, and his plight, his preparation, his sheer artistry. They must have experienced a moment of anticipation as the nominees were shown. They then paused, placed their heads firmly inside their incredibly large rectums and after brief contemplation, inferred that Jackman's performance was the most talented, and indeed award worthy of the group.

As the envelope was opened, they probably panicked, fretting whether or not their man would win, thrusting their head in a turtle-like fashion just a bit further up the colon than perhaps they had ever traveled before. However, it was only a precautionary measure. As the winner was announced they rejoiced, safely removed their heads, grabbed their cell phones and started calling everyone they know to celebrate as they spilled guacamole Doritos all over the floor. .

all the world's a stage
and I'm just a playa in a play,

dr. koala dick

a day in the life

remember all those times you used to beat off to photos of ralph macchio in tiger beat magazines and your mom would knock on the door and you'd say you were reading and she'd say she had your laundry and you'd say just leave it outside but she'd already opened the door so you were rushing to hide your massive erection under the covers but didn't know how in the name of god you were going to explain the nipple clamps or the eyeshadow?

doctor koala dick remembers.

remember the first time you called a girl "macchio" while you were doin it?

doctor koala dick remembers.

remember feudalism? huh? remember that, japan? macchio was just as good at karate as you are, japan; he never resorted to stupid feudalism.

ralph macchio could see through wood.

Tag Team Back Again

I'm tired of Californians acting pretentious because they "discovered" Green Day. I don't even like Green Day, but every lame ass party i go to some rolling stone intelligencia ass face tries to wax philosophical about the current "state of music" and through his rambles drops the bands name. Next thing you know, the prick next to him, who's been waiting for this chance all night, acts fucking VIP about the conversation and makes outrageous claims like that his ancestor listened to fucking "Dookie" while hunting Mastodons. Get a clue.

Quick solution: A) Quit lying; you were humming "Long View" to yourself in sixth grade with your lame ass skater haircut like the rest of us. B)Lose your high horse; you didn't effing cure Polio--you listened to a sub-average sell out punk band ten minutes before the rest of the country.

Also, while we're talking about music--most overrated song of all time: the Star Spangled Banner. What's the deal here, has anybody stopped to consider why we play it at every damn sporting event? As tribute? Yeah I really want to thank my country for inventing more leisure sports--otherwise what would nerds cyber about in between wanking it to tranny porn. Are were blindly participating in a tradition of brainwashing ourselves into patriotic robots by associating Pro-America nostalgia with alcoholism?

My first piece of evidence stems from the fact that ye olde "Banner" consummates the beginning of Hockey Games, which is a Sport our country neither invented nor really likes (I like Hockey but I was always kind of a weird kid anyways), and somewhere down the line this excessive pageantry expanded to include an excuse for Canadians to ram their crappy "Oh Canada" down my throat. Oh Canada, I don't give a fuck about you. PS thanks for Alanis and all the other times you musically skull fucked me during my youth. Needless to say, America's National anthem is out of place at Hockey events, it's like Manilow and Tesh showing up wasted at the Latin Grammy’s or the Vibe awards, it insults our intelligence.

Furthermore, recently at a baseball game, as the first few notes were pumped through the stadium PA, and some grossly under talented mongoloid children's choir began to discordantly butcher the lyrics, somewhere in this transaction the guy behind me reminded me to remove my badass cap. The gentleman, who'll we'll call Einstein for the sake of this piece (If you're reading this by the way, I forgot to compliment your shitstache champ, i know they're hard to grow at the right consistency) offered his sagely advice by nudging me on the shoulder, indicating his own hat in his hand, which was promptly followed by a "I'm smarter that you fancy boy" smile. Just because I'm wearing a polo shirt and you're wearing a T-shirt donning the stains of apparent "skid marks" scattered amongst it (which, sir, if they were indeed skid marks I would be thoroughly impressed to hear the story of how they reached your shirt) doesn't make you a class warrior.

Later, when Einstein spilled part of his beer on me and "forgot" to apologize I spent the greater part of the sixth inning contemplating whether or not I should drive to his house and t-bag his girlfriend. However when I realized his girlfriend probably was sitting on the couch watching "Friends" reruns and crying because her boyfriend doesn't spend enough time with her. I decided against taking action merely on the principle that I hate the show "Friends". To make a long story short, despite his life failings, in an effort of congeniality and human compassion I abided and removed my hat.

And what tribute that was, "hey America, and all the ghosts of people that died to protect our freedom, check out my goddman hat hair!! It looks great...I know...seriously...yeah and all I did was wear a hat..."

Meanwhile, Einstein couldn't even remember the words to the song.

Beside my own personal experiences with the SSB, one must also review the lyrics of the song. I'm not going to cavil and sit here and tell you that the verbiage of the song is "antiquated" or that it's not "user friendly". Frankly I enjoy the fact that jerk offs like the guy behind me can't remember the words. Also, I find comfort in the "oh says" of the lexicon of colonial America. Where I do take issue though is the fact that our anthem is not one of triumph or victory. Instead, Mr. Key chose to glorify the American's ability to take it in the ass and ask for more. Originally titled, The Defense of Fort M'henry (not even gay), the tale captures the shelling of an American fort during the war of 1812.

What cathartic message was Key able to adopt from this experience? It was a message that depicts Americans as enjoying a punch in the face, and then asking for another. When i was 7 my soccer team got beat like 9-0, it was embarrassing. Still, nobody quit. The whole team showed up for the next game too. But did anybody write a song about it? No. You know why? because we lost 9-0. It should also be noted that the SSB was adopted as an anthem first by President Woodrow Wilson, a proven kid toucher; and formally adopted as the anthem by congress during Hoover's presidency who we all know gave the best BJ's of every president besides Zachary Tyler. The song was first played at a baseball game by a band during the seventh-inning stretch. As many of you know, that is a time slot now occupied by "Take Me Out To the Ballgame," a fun children's song similar to "Ring around the Roses" minus the frighteningly morbid social commentary.

Thus being, I suggest its time we adopt a new national anthem. One whose position cannot be filled by something we might see Big Bird singing on Sesame Street. A song that is both timeless, yet strongly connected to a period of prosperity in our nation. A song received well by all, yet edgy; a song that the guy who sat behind me at the game and my parents probably won't understand.

To fulfill such criterion i can only think of one song. It hit me in the eighth inning of the aforementioned game. It celebrated a Pujols homer and inspired a jolt of energy in my blood: "Whoomp There It Is". Tag Team, my friends, in their early 90's masterpiece, crafted a song that echoes the drive of our fair nation, and more importantly a song that speaks for itself.

Because the Koran told me to,

doctor koala dick.