Pass the Lotion

I don't watch award shows, but I'm not going to pretend like I didn't see ten minutes of this past week's Emmy awards. And sure, I'll concede that i like watching celebrities pretend how to read in front of a large group of people. I'll even concede that I think the "disastrous" and "accidental" nipple slips are funny and society find them strangely arousing (I'm on to you Nicholas Cage, three wardrobe malfunctions in a row is NOT a coincidence). I even like it when actors, actresses, and credentialed key grips across the board use the time we use to celebrate them, to make bold political statements (i.e.- "It's time to bring the boys home and send the Hurricanes to Iraq). However, i have to draw the line somewhere and say "hey, you there, stop the industry reach around, we live in a society".

But indeed, society we exist in, and our parents created, loves the reach around. Sharing; Friends selfless helping friends from behind them is what we’re all about. Kindergarten, (which sounds suspiciously German to me) lays this foundation of unconditional generosity for us at an early age as we share crayons, knowledge of dirty words, and pink eye with our peers. From age five or six this foundation continues winding itself through a Byzantine maze of complex emotions and gambling debts. What a fucking sweet Utopia.

The Emmy's captured the pinnacle moment of this self congratulatory society. The ten minutes of magic i captured involved the award for best performance by somebody not named David Letterman. This embodiment of real genius emrged when Hugh Jackman was awarded an Emmy for his performance hosting the Tony's. Upon recollection i decided that the discontinuation of production of Delorean's aside, this was perhaps the most heinously banal figurative sixty-nine ever perpetrated by mankind. Through the blinding rage (not that it particularly enraged me, i just like to think of reasons to give television the finger) I was forced to envision who-- or more specifically what type of person, Hugh Jackman had to suck off to pull out this one. I bet he wears contacts and loves his wife dearly.

Then, to perpetuate my exercise, I imagined all the people across the country and around the world watching the Emmy's who were relieved when Jackman won. These people empathized with Jackman, and his plight, his preparation, his sheer artistry. They must have experienced a moment of anticipation as the nominees were shown. They then paused, placed their heads firmly inside their incredibly large rectums and after brief contemplation, inferred that Jackman's performance was the most talented, and indeed award worthy of the group.

As the envelope was opened, they probably panicked, fretting whether or not their man would win, thrusting their head in a turtle-like fashion just a bit further up the colon than perhaps they had ever traveled before. However, it was only a precautionary measure. As the winner was announced they rejoiced, safely removed their heads, grabbed their cell phones and started calling everyone they know to celebrate as they spilled guacamole Doritos all over the floor. .

all the world's a stage
and I'm just a playa in a play,

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