mail call

"doctor koala dick, i have a two part question: why do you post so sporadically, and why is everything you write so good?"
-timmy, age 13
kuala lumpur, malaysia

timmy, my little friend, this is not a website for 13 year old boys. i'm gonna spare you a lot of trouble and just be up front with you right here from the get-go: there is little to no pornography on the dr. koala dick blog. what the hell are you doing here? there is exactly one reason to own a computer when you're 13 years old, and the smart money says it isn't video conferencing. what the fuck does a 13 year old need email for? welcome to the internet, there's naked girls everywhere! invest in broadband.

"dr koaladick, why is there war and inequity in the world?"
-amy sue, age 24
harbin, china

well, amy sue, war and inequity are actually fairly easy to understand. for instance, your home, harbin, lies in china's northeasternmost province, heilongjiang, a name that translates into english as 'black dragon river,' the chinese name for the amur river. did you catch that? translates into english. so, what, you're too good to just name your province in english in the first place? you know damn well we can't understand a word you're saying! you know damn well! so guess what? we're gonna declare war on you, amy sue. or, at least, we will as soon as we pop out several hundred million children and raise them in combat training camps organized by chuck norris and jet li. that's right, fucking jet li. ha! didn't see that one coming, did you jet li? modern warfare is really just about americans being pissed at everyone else for not talking american. we know that everyone in asia knows some kind of karate, but no one in asia has chuck norris. so take heed, china, and get ready for hundreds of millions of idiosyncratic roundhouse kicks to the face. also, as far as the whole seemingly inevitable war with islam thing goes, if muhammad had just spoken english he coulda been bigger than red lobster.

why is there inequity in the world? because fuck you, i want a golden toilet.

"dr koala dick, for some reason, sex just isn't that exciting for me anymore. i can't seem to maintain an erection or perform for my girlfriend. what's my problem?"
richie, age 33
novosibirsk, russia

among all the questions posed to the doctor, this is by far the most prevalent. it comes up again and again. however, the ultimate cure for the semblance of male impotence is, in 99.9% of cases, among the simplest to administer in all of the doctor's vast medical repertoire: gentlemen, please, for the last time, STOP WEARING CONDOMS. sexually transmitted diseases are nothing more than superstitious hogwash perpetuated by the liberal media in an attempt to keep you from having a sweet-ass time. also, though they've kept it a well guarded secret since god created us 6,010 years ago, women are physically incabable of becoming pregnant unless they pray three times to a my little pony doll. while my little ponies can easily be concealed somewhere among the nooks and crannies of your ho's room, if after a careful inspection you cannot find any, you can be relatively certain that this bitch ain't about to get all gravid. you sold your soul to the devil, richie. and the devil was latex.

never ever wear condoms
dkd