Tag Team Back Again

I'm tired of Californians acting pretentious because they "discovered" Green Day. I don't even like Green Day, but every lame ass party i go to some rolling stone intelligencia ass face tries to wax philosophical about the current "state of music" and through his rambles drops the bands name. Next thing you know, the prick next to him, who's been waiting for this chance all night, acts fucking VIP about the conversation and makes outrageous claims like that his ancestor listened to fucking "Dookie" while hunting Mastodons. Get a clue.

Quick solution: A) Quit lying; you were humming "Long View" to yourself in sixth grade with your lame ass skater haircut like the rest of us. B)Lose your high horse; you didn't effing cure Polio--you listened to a sub-average sell out punk band ten minutes before the rest of the country.

Also, while we're talking about music--most overrated song of all time: the Star Spangled Banner. What's the deal here, has anybody stopped to consider why we play it at every damn sporting event? As tribute? Yeah I really want to thank my country for inventing more leisure sports--otherwise what would nerds cyber about in between wanking it to tranny porn. Are were blindly participating in a tradition of brainwashing ourselves into patriotic robots by associating Pro-America nostalgia with alcoholism?

My first piece of evidence stems from the fact that ye olde "Banner" consummates the beginning of Hockey Games, which is a Sport our country neither invented nor really likes (I like Hockey but I was always kind of a weird kid anyways), and somewhere down the line this excessive pageantry expanded to include an excuse for Canadians to ram their crappy "Oh Canada" down my throat. Oh Canada, I don't give a fuck about you. PS thanks for Alanis and all the other times you musically skull fucked me during my youth. Needless to say, America's National anthem is out of place at Hockey events, it's like Manilow and Tesh showing up wasted at the Latin Grammy’s or the Vibe awards, it insults our intelligence.

Furthermore, recently at a baseball game, as the first few notes were pumped through the stadium PA, and some grossly under talented mongoloid children's choir began to discordantly butcher the lyrics, somewhere in this transaction the guy behind me reminded me to remove my badass cap. The gentleman, who'll we'll call Einstein for the sake of this piece (If you're reading this by the way, I forgot to compliment your shitstache champ, i know they're hard to grow at the right consistency) offered his sagely advice by nudging me on the shoulder, indicating his own hat in his hand, which was promptly followed by a "I'm smarter that you fancy boy" smile. Just because I'm wearing a polo shirt and you're wearing a T-shirt donning the stains of apparent "skid marks" scattered amongst it (which, sir, if they were indeed skid marks I would be thoroughly impressed to hear the story of how they reached your shirt) doesn't make you a class warrior.

Later, when Einstein spilled part of his beer on me and "forgot" to apologize I spent the greater part of the sixth inning contemplating whether or not I should drive to his house and t-bag his girlfriend. However when I realized his girlfriend probably was sitting on the couch watching "Friends" reruns and crying because her boyfriend doesn't spend enough time with her. I decided against taking action merely on the principle that I hate the show "Friends". To make a long story short, despite his life failings, in an effort of congeniality and human compassion I abided and removed my hat.

And what tribute that was, "hey America, and all the ghosts of people that died to protect our freedom, check out my goddman hat hair!! It looks great...I know...seriously...yeah and all I did was wear a hat..."

Meanwhile, Einstein couldn't even remember the words to the song.

Beside my own personal experiences with the SSB, one must also review the lyrics of the song. I'm not going to cavil and sit here and tell you that the verbiage of the song is "antiquated" or that it's not "user friendly". Frankly I enjoy the fact that jerk offs like the guy behind me can't remember the words. Also, I find comfort in the "oh says" of the lexicon of colonial America. Where I do take issue though is the fact that our anthem is not one of triumph or victory. Instead, Mr. Key chose to glorify the American's ability to take it in the ass and ask for more. Originally titled, The Defense of Fort M'henry (not even gay), the tale captures the shelling of an American fort during the war of 1812.

What cathartic message was Key able to adopt from this experience? It was a message that depicts Americans as enjoying a punch in the face, and then asking for another. When i was 7 my soccer team got beat like 9-0, it was embarrassing. Still, nobody quit. The whole team showed up for the next game too. But did anybody write a song about it? No. You know why? because we lost 9-0. It should also be noted that the SSB was adopted as an anthem first by President Woodrow Wilson, a proven kid toucher; and formally adopted as the anthem by congress during Hoover's presidency who we all know gave the best BJ's of every president besides Zachary Tyler. The song was first played at a baseball game by a band during the seventh-inning stretch. As many of you know, that is a time slot now occupied by "Take Me Out To the Ballgame," a fun children's song similar to "Ring around the Roses" minus the frighteningly morbid social commentary.

Thus being, I suggest its time we adopt a new national anthem. One whose position cannot be filled by something we might see Big Bird singing on Sesame Street. A song that is both timeless, yet strongly connected to a period of prosperity in our nation. A song received well by all, yet edgy; a song that the guy who sat behind me at the game and my parents probably won't understand.

To fulfill such criterion i can only think of one song. It hit me in the eighth inning of the aforementioned game. It celebrated a Pujols homer and inspired a jolt of energy in my blood: "Whoomp There It Is". Tag Team, my friends, in their early 90's masterpiece, crafted a song that echoes the drive of our fair nation, and more importantly a song that speaks for itself.

Because the Koran told me to,

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