nostalgia is for pussies

Oh my god you guys: do you remember the '80s? I remember them SO hard.

Remember metal lunchboxes? They were SO cool. Remember David Hasselhoff, and Michael Jackson when he was cool and wore that piano t-shirt? Oh my god, remember that piano t-shirt? I do. Remember Pacman? And Top Gun? Pacman and Top Gun were awesome. Remember "Afterschool Special?"

Remember Gorbachev? Remember that spot on his head? That spot on Gorbachev's head was SO '80s.

I want to fuck the '80s. Oh my god. I want the '80s to drip honey all over me and love me slow. I want to give the '80s a handjob and NEVER wash my hand. I want to smell like the 80's genitals for weeks.

Remember Atari?

Sometimes I have dreams about the '80s and I wake up and my pants are all wet. What's that about? Is there maybe a book on this that I can read and discover things about the '80s and my body and how I can please the '80s in the way it wants me to? I'm only 15, but I swear to God I remember this stuff.

Remember slap bracelets, and G.I. Joe, and Fraggle Rock?

Remember Cagney and Lacey?

No, you don't asshole. No one under the age of 25 does: you're not fooling anyone. How about this one: remember walking around the mall and being suffocated by clouds of Aquanet? Remember acid rain? That shit was caused by the big hair trend. Remember all that shitty music? Remember motherfucking Poison, for God's sake? Remember the threat of nuclear annihilation? (alright, that was okay. a healthy dose of existential dread actually brings out the best in us.) But remember poverty, and the President saying he didn't think there was a reason for anyone in America to be poor? Remember the war on drugs? Yeah, righteous. I SO want to be a kid again, UH! I want to masturbate to pictures of tube socks, members only jackets and the war on drugs. The war on drugs was SO '80s.

I'm not saying that Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Fraggle Rock and everything else I actually do remember from my childhood weren't entirely fucking sweet, but can we please stop pimping them out like Thai hookers? If you handed Voltron three dollars and said "hey, I remember you SO hard. I remember you harder than any of the other rising juniors at the University of Michigan. Will you go down on me?" he would fuck you up with his huge sword.

Please. At least have the decency to nostalgify the early 90's too. they had Sublime and Bill Clinton.

No Voltron BJ's,
Doctor Koaladick