dangling ding dongs

doctor koala dick is comfortable with his sexuality.

when doctor koala dick was a young lad, and not yet the doctor of renown he is today, he and his friends would often frolic about on drugs making jokes and playing fun pranks on one another. rarely, though, did these pranks seriously challenge the sexual boundaries of our bear koala dick.

but that changed one night in the lair of one of the lamer accomplices, when one of dick's closest compatriots came rushing up behind him in a darkened room, mounted him and dangled a delicious confection in front of his head. koala dick was stunned, a veritable bear in headlights, completely unprepared for this potentiality, and stoned utterly mindless. at this point in his life, this was, without question, the gayest thing that had ever happened to him.

but only until he took a bite.

génération de âne

I got another parking ticket again. I refuse to participate in this nazi-fest charade being put on by the parking control enforcement. In a decent society people can park wherever the fuck they want for as along as they want too. It that means parking on the grass then so be it. I've been thinking about a way to make this parking issue go away. I think hiding in the back seat in clown make-up will probably do the trick.
I don't know how it is in your country but here, I knew kids in middle school who used to squirt cologne into their mouth to become inebriated. I know. When I was a kid, everyday I would look forward to the day when hover boards were invented and they would make me so cool I would have a threesome with punky brewster and the hot chipmunk from rescue rangers in celebration, but that day in seventh grade when I saw that kid spray ck1 in his mouth I knew it would probably never happen.
You can't expect too much from a generation of cologne drinkers. Not that all of us did it, but you knew if one did, there were others. Any social sect who lets multiple members of there group do something like that is probably going to have trouble fixing the infrastructure already in place, let alone create something cool like hover boards, light sabers or cordless thermometers.
Soon, it was 1997 and everything sucked; the plan for the reunification of Germany had failed more or less, neon was no longer cool and people got complacent with the fact that Carson Daly was banging hot chicks.
Kundera quotes Nietzsche “einmal est keinmal” What happens but once may as well have never happened. I say, tell that to the girl from the Wendy’s bathroom, and while you’re at it, ask her to stop calling me.

Fuck yeah fuck yeah I’m wearing blue jeans,
dr koala dick

Ps. Babes, Big jim slade called and he wants his speedo back.

who are you?

across the globe and in most of outer space, people are wondering what the real doctor koala dick is. this is a highly complex question and most likely none of its resolutions will ever become widely regarded as truth. doctor koala dick is simply too big to live inside any of our little boxes. so, as you see, the real question is this: what is doctor koala dick to me? the answers to this query are more concrete, though no less myriad. to some, doctor koala dick is nothing more than a regular australian koala bear who built himself up from nothing to become one of the most respected doctors in his field, that being the field of all that is tubular, and now holds doctorates in everything from wakeboarding to nuclear ice fishing. to others, doctor koala dick is a source of solace, of support, for in these uncertain times, doctor koala dick doesn't stop grinding rails and doesn't think you should stop either. naturally, when discussing the doctor, the untold masses of illigitimate children can be a significant talking point, but it is well documented that doctor koala dick loves and takes care of his children and that most of them are now crime fighters. doctor koala dick plays air guitar better than anybody and believes it would be better if we all got down.

the sun also gets dome

so earlier today i thought of an alternate ending to Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises. At the end, instead of sitting there in the back of a car with Brett Ashley in Spain or whatever, and instead of whoever raisind that baton or whatnot, instead at the end jake says 'check me out i've got a huge dong now thanks to the miracle of plastics and the talent of some european doctors. i can satisfy you in ways you haven't even thought of. the thing spins and vibrates, it's studded like a bumpy cucumber.' and it ends with brett moaning. literally, instead of 'isn't it pretty to think so?' the last line is 'and she moans heavily in a little bit of pain but obviously enjoying herself. the end.'
i think this would do a lot for the self-esteem of male readers, specifically those without penises. it gives a new hope to living without a penis, and updates the story in keeping with scientific advances made since Hemingway's time. in fact, having thought of this, i almost wish i had either a) been born without a wang, or b) had my previous wang blown off in a war. because that way i could get to have a fake one and it would probably be awesome. i would probably get my parents to pay for it, and they have a lot more money than i do, a.k.a. more than $600. Think of the kind of wang you could get for the cost of renting a studio apartment in a major city for a month. it's a wonder more people don't injure themselves on purpose and undergo a temporary homelessness in order to pay for a prosthetic wiener of epic proportions. you could probably get one with:
1. a car alarm with keyless remote that makes beeping noises
2. a built-in ipod (tell me that wouldn't be sweet)
3. a body fashioned after optimus prime, with the ability to transform into a badass rig
4. wireless ethernet
5. a headrest, and a tv in that headrest
6. a dvd player that plays only porn and mick jagger concert footage (jagger doing the rooster dance)
7. a micro machines garage
8. a stock ticker
9. a fold-out map so you can find your way to linens and things to buy new sheets every few hours
10. something that makes it turn into a pogo stick

To: Stegosaurus

Dr. Koala Dick recently traded a comedy writing secret to a fellow colleague for the operating manual of a 1992 Volvo 940, and a to be named later Sponsorship of an African Orphan.

Dear Orphan,

I’ve decided to name you Stegosaurus. I hope you realize how cool that is. How are things in Africa? I hope they are better than here. Today I woke up to find out that I had received yet another parking ticket. Those parking control guys are total cocks. I left the ticket on my car out of spite, and because I didn’t want to get another one, but now it’s raining. If the ticket is wet, do you think I still have to pay it? I would be impolite for me to send them a document of that nature; they would probably have to wash their hands after handling it.

I went to the post office today and I feel like I’m developing a friendship with one of the workers. His name is Rick and he looks pretty disgruntled. For that exact reason I am always overly polite to the guy. It is most certainly a benefit to have a friend in the postal department. I know this because at one of my former residences, the postal worker did not like me because I stole his girlfriend. Even though I only ended up dating her for two weeks, my packages were lost and mishandled for over a year, I guess postal workers don’t get laid often.

I also applied online today for a job at a local bookstore. It was most heinous. What was supposed to be a simple online application evolved into 37 page personality test. They asked me questions about my anger management, my ability to be enthused and if I stab people in the back. In then end I think the computer decided that I; a) I’m kind of a jackass, b) think most other people are benders, and c) am able to fake enthusiasm well. Either way they probably want to hire me so hard.

Man or machine,

dr koala dick

the next movement

During the four years i spent at college many people asked me what i was going to do after college. A lot of the time i answered them by telling them i was going into the peace corp.

I'm not entirely sure i was insincere on the reply--i did complete the peace corp application all the way up to the essay section. I also talked to many people who were going to the peace corp and asked quesions about their experience, the process of applying, and i listened intently.


Regardless, four years later, everytime i talk to one of these inquisitive characters they never fail to ask when I'm going into the peace corp. Even if i haven't tlaked to them in years.

I've been honest but from now on I'm lying. When they ask, I will say, "soon." Furthermore if I haven't spoken to them in a few years i will say, "I already did."

peace in the middle east,
dr koala dick

dk