saturn bashing

dear universe, when are you gonna get with the fucking program? it's about time every one of you sacked up or ovaried up or whatever-it-is-you've-goted up and embraced the doctor koala dick happy wholesome oligarchy solution. you may hold on to your kings and your presidents and their glorious verbal handjobs; kd desires not the spotlight. all around us there are wrenches fucking with the works, and yes, the future looks bleak. but doctor koala dick's unique perspective and unparalleled innate brilliance can drag us out of this cosmic mire and into the age of unlimited excellence.

this universe is in a shambles. i mean, just take a look at our own galaxy. have any of you seen saturn? i know!! saturn is a blight on the milky way, has contributed next to nothing to interstellar culture, and has traded more bj's for crack cocaine than anyone else in recorded history. how long are we gonna put up with this ringed derelict before somebody lays the hammer down?

and hey, what about colorado? i have had it up to here with you, colorado. you sit there with your ski resorts and your uberdank ounces of mary jane and think you're soooo cool. you guys act like you invented mountain dew and smoking pot but anybody with half an education knows that isaac newton discovered mountain dew while under the influence of some primo white widow and presented it to the public at the first x games in 1710. the universe was extreme before you got here, colorado. get over it.

doctor koala dick is sick of this place. do you know what it feels like to be living in the year 2006 without wakeboard lanes on all the highways? this is supposed to be the future! isaac newton discovered mountain dew like 300 years ago!

so why don't you all just close your eyes and let the doctor go to work? doctor koala dick will install wakeboard lanes in all major highways within three years, wipe colorado from the map, and stick it to saturn like nobody has before.

because we deserve better.

and because fuck saturn.
dkd