better than your parent's bed

I wish people would stop being so unexcited about space foam. There's a lot of possibility in space foam—aka invest now. It's not like I am a space foam salesman or anything. However, as a lifestyle expert, I would not be surprised if you next house is constructed entirely out of space foam. Imagine a space foam kitchen, space foam toilet, or a space foam solarium.

I understand most readers will look upon this space foam contention with skepticism. This speculation evolves most likely from their previous encounter with another space product; Astronaut Ice Cream. Astronaut Ice Cream is a brittle crunchy flavored box. Perhaps it is described as ice cream devoid of all the things that make ice cream good. For those of you who have not had it, it’s like chewing a full pack of cigarettes, minus the fun.

To offer a historical context, things got hot in Somalia when the UN, seeking to utilize its Astronaut Ice Cream surplus, introduced it to the starving citizens. History books, allegorical tribal fairytales, and kickass movies like Black Hawk Down, blame Somali warlords and unfavorable weather conditions (it was fucking hot). This explanation however is a bold faced lie. As soon as the strawberry cardboard crunch hit the streets of Mogadishu, senseless taste bud jihad erupted. Astronaut Ice Cream also caused Sky Lab to crash.

What is important is to understand the distinction between two very different space products. One must realize that while you can sleep on space foam, sleeping on a bed of astronaut ice cream is highly impractical. One would first have to discern which flavor/flavors one would use, only to move on to more difficult questions of cream brick layout, viscosity, and colored coordinated throw pillows. I mean, in theory you could construct and sleep on such a bed, but your wife would probably leave you. Possibly for a man who sleeps on jelly beans.

Besides, on a bed of space foam one can only imagine the possibilities intercourse with your significant other. During sessions you might find yourself achieving intimacy levels of stellar intergalactic proportions. Afterwards, you would probably dream about comets and black holes. Also, if aliens do indeed exist, and land, you have a bed made to their exact specifications. Consequentially you might be the first human being to have sex with an alien. You friends might frown upon it, but who knows it could be pretty sweet. Aliens might have two tongues or be really into doggy style.

Your friend in the space foam bizness,
dr koala dick

Ps. I stole the “exact specifications” terminology from mitch hedburg