PRESCRIPTION FOR SUCCESS: how to write a cover letter

Using the following sentences in a cover letter will yield mad responses:



My grammar skills are undefeated.

I am nearly incontinent at the possibility of working for you.

I want to work for a menacing gargantuan like Company XYZ.

I am fluent in French, Spanish, and Jive.

If you hire me, I will dedicate myself to frightening your enemies.

Experience watching Bloodsport has taught me the value of hard work.

My communication skills are impenetrable.

My research skills are crunk.

I am sweaty at the possibility of joining your team.

Company XYZ is barbaric and omnipotent, and that attracts me.

You won't have to worry about my strong moral compass; I will dedicate myself to serving your needs.

If you hired me I would be SO into it.

I have applied for several similar positions, but have been turned down because I am a nudist.

Bending the will of your competitors will be my primary objective.

I will assist your sales team with homemade cookies and brute force.

This summer I interned with conservationists at the San Diego Zoo; there, I learned to translate animal to human.

Most people have heard of me.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate my skills while suppressing the urge to kill again.

At my previous position I was often late, but not that late.

My editing skills are legendary.

I have experience using Microsoft Powerpoint and can make presentations that are very enticing.

I am excited about the direction in which Company XYZ is headed despite the racketeering charges.

Thank you for reviewing my application; I will call your offices in ten minutes to check on its status.




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