Fashioned Facts

There are three essential axioms when deciding how to dress for your first day of work at a new office.


1. Accentuate Your Junk.
First impressions are everything. If I was making a first impression, I would want that impression to be that I have balls. No one likes an empty-sacker. This immediately lets your coworkers know that when they fight alongside you, you will bring cahonesn as well as--depending on just how large you go--several vicious swear words (wanking fucknut comes to mind!) to the table. Also, they will know that in the event they have to fight against you--remember, they already have fucked up families at home--it's going to be really nasty.

2. Dress Ambiguously Gay.
When I was growing up my dad always toasted his drink "to the confusion of the enemy". This would always be received with at least one confused look from a guest and a chuckle from my dad. My dad gets a lot of mileage out of his jokes. Unfortunately, there is something to his drinking logic. You want to keep everyone on their toes. You don't want them to know who you are right off the back. Being mysterious is good. As long as you don't have a defined personality, your coworkers can idealize you into something they want you to be. Then you can be that person and manipulate them to do things you don't want to do.
Your perceived gayness will keep other males on edge and give you a competitive advantage. Meanwhile, your supposed status as a non-threatening Male will drive sexy secretaries your way like a Dodge City cattle drive.
(Caveat: you may have to pretend that you enjoy "Grey's Anatomy" or that you care about what some slut celebrity wears to really sell this one).

3. Wear Glasses.
Be like Clarke Kent. You can be as clumsy and stupid as you want, but non-goggled coworkers will still automatically assume you're smarter than them. Be prepared to be asked what the capital of Ghana is, what 1123/3.76 is, what happened at the end of Finnegan's Wake, or how lasers work. Then, when you can't answer, be prepared to watch the person think they asked one of the most difficult questions in the world, because if you don't know it....shiiitttttt...who would? Seriously though, who the fuck knows how lasers work?

Sit back, clean off your glasses, and get ready to really enjoy hating your life.

expense your underwear,
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