This much I know: one day I will wake up and I'll have a mustache. It is in my DNA. Furthermore, under no circumstance and by no revolutionary medical procedure--including those performed by foreign doctors in dubious circumstances--will I be able to remove this mustache from my face. Mustaches are like cockroaches, they have a pervasive, superhuman conquering quality about them. They are almost never associated with the term “ephemeral”—even when the discussion involves a massive nuclear exchange scenario. The morning I wake up with a mustache I might even like it. I'm not sure; I don't know how DNA works.
My grandfather had a mustache, my dad STILL has a mustache and the lineage of 'staches--according to the vast file of family photos I have assembled--seems to suggest this trend continues all the way back to Ireland before photographs and even portrait drawing had developed into viable technologies. Hair around the mouth is an inveterate family tradition. Somewhere in a cave in Africa, there is a painting of one my ancestors, extremely hairy under the nose.
With the inevitably and finality of this event confirmed, many questions remain.
What do I do now?
Do I rage, rage against the dying of the light? Or do I start now learning the habits and intricacies of this slightly hairier culture?
I mean Otto Von Bismarck had a HUGE mustache, and he wrecked France. Jeff Foxworthy... he's made a lot of money, right? Worst case scenario I could always go the Burt Reynolds bon vivant route. Sure he's made some bad life decisions, but he'll probably go down historically as a guy that nailed a bunch of hotties. I could do worse.
What new hobbies will I enjoy? Will model glue be involved? Should I stock up if I see a sale?
How much of my life will now be devoted to mustache maintenance? Will it be Mustache Zen Maintenance?
Will I want to trick-out my mustache? If so, what options are available? Flames?
How will this mustache improve my gruffness. When I bring this new gruff element to the table, will I reach a new dating demographic? And if so, is this babe demographic older or younger?
Will gay guys finally start buying me the number of drinks I deserve?
These are big questions. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’ll try not to kill myself in the interim.
Note: Public-- mustache ride jokes aren't funny anymore.
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1 comment:
Mustache Ride jokes are indeed still funny if you are Indian and have a mustache, otherwise the time has come for all white people to speak of other such things with less glamour (mustache=glamour). Maybe you guys should try something like "Babyface Slip and Slide" or "Dirty Honkey Beard Sand-Down".
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