This is not a common feeling for America, a nation known not only for apple pie, baseball, and assassinating people with missles from hundreds of miles away, but for holding its liquor (or so it tells chicks). However, late last night America's asshole friend Judd Mueller forced the proudest of nations to do 230 birthday shots, then shoved it into its own pool, permanently fucking up its cell phone.
This was only after Mueller, along with an entourage of America's loose acquaintances who had not been invited to America's very nicely catered party, shot roman candles at each other in America's garage. America, almost fully incapacitated by alchohol and busy chatting up an equally drunk Mexico, was unable to get it together and throw Mr. Mueller out before it was too late.
The scene was ugly as America, flailing in the pool and unaware of its phone's condition, swam to the shallow end and celebrated by shouting a rendition of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man."
Has America learned its lesson? Only time will tell. One thing, however, remains certain: if Judd Mueller does not buy America a new phone within 24 hours he will be shot from long range by a missile. How's that for insurance?
1 comment:
You should have seen America last weekend dude. Uncle Sam had one of those new cell phones that connect to email, but it wasn't working 'cause Iran had clogged up America's inbox with porn. Appearently Iran has a thing for Asian girls. America was really upset because he had just bought that phone and was a little drunk, so he started crying. Now Japan thinks America's a pussy and is really only going out with her for the sex, so she dumped him. Iran is soooo dead. Japan gives the bomb ass BJ.
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