Bob's Ross's predictably late plea to Legalize It

Ladies and Gentlemen.

I speak to you on behalf of my good friend, the great Dr. Koala Dick.

Let me begin by saying Eucalyptus is a plant, not a Killer. This is important, I don't like things that kill people. I once killed a person, I don't talk about it anymore, but I will say it was nothing to brag about. It certainly wasn't as amazing as Eucalyptus; a natural substance, enjoyed by thousand of koala's everyday. Need I remind you, Eucalyptus was once legal in OUR country. This country.

Uncle Sam grew eucalyptus. I painted a really happy picture of it. Check it out.

In 1920's skeptical immigrants and general public were tricked into believing outrageous lies about Euclyptus. Through a series of Yellow Journalism pieces backed by a heavy Aloe lobby from Mexico, the American public abandoned a plant that had treated their Koala's so well. You heard me right, people used to have pet Koala's, it was pretty sweet. I'm pretty sure I painted a picture of it. These days, Mexico not only provides 75% of America's Aloe, they control 80% of the black market Eucalyptus trade. Do you realize how much money the Government could be making on a Eucalyptus Tax. We could finally provide adequate school for deaf and blind children.

The Government wants you to believe eucalyptus is bad for you, and has long term harmful effects. This is because they are stubborn and don't listen to people who are trying to explain themselves. They are afraid to admit their mistakes. They just want to put everything before the court--which is ugly, I have never painted a picture of a courtroom.
Fact: There has never been a long term study on the effects of eucalyptus.
Eucalyptus has been proven to have positive effects. It relieves the pain of certain diseases. It has been known to prevent polio and the mumps. It makes movies funnier, music better, and sex more enjoyable.

Your parents probably have used Eucalyptus in their past. Most of my friends did. Look at them, they're rich and unhappy. Unhappy because they can't have Eucalyptus anymore. Don't you want to be rich. Don't you want to be happy when your rich.

If so vote yes on proposition H. Legalize Eucalyptus.

I'll fucking kick your ass if you don't,

Bob Ross and his pet baby raccoon "Mussolini".

Gatherers Unite

Election 2006: Stem Cells? More Like WHATEVER

Natolution

That's right, Natolution.

Elections are coming up. Tragically, some form of government will be elected.

While, I'm not personally running, I think this provides a great opportunity to talk about something I'm really interested in: Stem-Cell research.

For starters, I don't know who does the PR for Stem-Cell research, but if they were any good they would change that name. It sounds too much like something that could go horribly wrong. can you recall a time you talked about the "stem" of something in a positive light? No, it sounds creepy, spinal even. A Real genius would search for something more positive, such as Project Supernova, or The Fantastic Initiative; those both roll right off the tongue. I personally considered recommending something along the Tree of Life/Fountain of Youth line, but I want to see how that movie "The Fountain" ends-- this is just a guess, but it could end in tears.

There are several ads nationwide featuring Michael J. Fox persuading the public to vote on behalf of pursuing stem cell research. Why he needs to take out ads, and why there are people who do not follow Michael J. Fox's orders astounds me.
Michael J. Fox has literally(cinematically)traveled into the future, and he has seen what the Future looks like(cinematically), and he brought it back to us(cinematically). In case you forgot what it looked like, it had self-drying jackets and hover boards. I am a huge proponent of this future. Michael J. Fox could tell me to invest in shit-flavored bananas and I would do so without with a single question or reservation. He is my prophet (cinematically).

Michael J. Fox is attempting to take us by the hand and lead us to a new and better future. One in which we are not humans, but super humans. I'll admit, I have been a huge advocate of superhumanism ever since the first time I played "Mortal Kombat"

In case you are unaware, here are somethings I learned about Stem Cell research from listening to NPR:

Stem cells are the cells in your body that make new cells. Each stem cell is given a task to create a specific kind of cell. Prenatal cells though are tabula rosa. They can be manipulate to create any type of cell in the human body. By using prenatal stem cells you can literally grow, your hear that, GROW any cell, part, or accessory of the human body. Through genetic manipulation you can make these cells or parts entirely compatible with your body. Theoretically, you can have an entire farm of your Legs. You could find yourself waking up very early one morning to check out the new leg crop, and brush the dew off them. And oh yeah, they might be able to cure some diseases or something.

This is it folks, this is our chance to evolve. We were born with awesome brains that have no discovered how to make new even better brains. A portion of the country finds this frightening, amoral and unnatural. But what could be more natural than brains developing to make better brains. Just because Scientist make these deus-liek improvements in sterile white labs with scary coats on doesn't mean this isn't what and sensible deity had planned for us. What do you think God wore when he created man? What do you think the room looked like?

This progression. This survival of the fittest. This is natural evolution. Natalution.

Think you're body is pretty sweet now? Think it makes sense? I say, what about another set of arms? or a second brain? Think about how this could improve our society on even the most basic level. I mean, at the banal, laymen, proletariat, ground floor level. That's right, think of the Porn we would have. Four arms and two brains? I'm thinking crazy insane-not-even-in-the-karma-sutra-yet-not-like-i-would-know-because-i-never-read-it-
i-just-looked-at-my-girlfriends-cosmos-each-month sex going on. Not mention, the whole script would have the vocabulary of Shakespeare, and plot twists that make Hitchcock look like the guy who writes "That's So Raven" every week.

Wars would be so much cooler(cinematically)

Four armed people would give great hugs.

Shower time would be halved--benefiting the world water supply.

There would be a lot of jobs because we would have to start making whole new kinds of shirts.

And probably some diseases would be cured because scientists could hold more vials and apparently stem cell research might cure diseases.

Think about it. Listen to the Fox.


not a total pervert just a natolution advocate,
Dr. Koala Dick

there's a fine line between man and ape, and thats natolution and baby i want it.

PRESCRIPTION FOR SUCCESS: how to write a cover letter

Using the following sentences in a cover letter will yield mad responses:



My grammar skills are undefeated.

I am nearly incontinent at the possibility of working for you.

I want to work for a menacing gargantuan like Company XYZ.

I am fluent in French, Spanish, and Jive.

If you hire me, I will dedicate myself to frightening your enemies.

Experience watching Bloodsport has taught me the value of hard work.

My communication skills are impenetrable.

My research skills are crunk.

I am sweaty at the possibility of joining your team.

Company XYZ is barbaric and omnipotent, and that attracts me.

You won't have to worry about my strong moral compass; I will dedicate myself to serving your needs.

If you hired me I would be SO into it.

I have applied for several similar positions, but have been turned down because I am a nudist.

Bending the will of your competitors will be my primary objective.

I will assist your sales team with homemade cookies and brute force.

This summer I interned with conservationists at the San Diego Zoo; there, I learned to translate animal to human.

Most people have heard of me.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate my skills while suppressing the urge to kill again.

At my previous position I was often late, but not that late.

My editing skills are legendary.

I have experience using Microsoft Powerpoint and can make presentations that are very enticing.

I am excited about the direction in which Company XYZ is headed despite the racketeering charges.

Thank you for reviewing my application; I will call your offices in ten minutes to check on its status.




This prescription for success is free, as a gift to you from Dr. Koaladick. We are, however, working on setting up a tip jar via PayPal; the plan is that somewhere down the line our readers will be forced to calculate 20% of a life-changing moment.

prehistoric ambulance chasers

Archaeologists in Quebec recently uncovered this cave painting, allegedly from the Upper Paleolithic era some 25,000 years ago. If the painting's date and origin are correct, it signifies the earliest advertisement for personal injury legal services in world history.

The arrival of personal injury lawyers has long been thought an important development in early homo sapiens society. In recent years, however, some scientists have disagreed, claiming it was in fact totally lame.