God's hazy cosmic jive

It's time to talk about the rapture:

Let me begin this discussion by explaining to those of you operating below OC III (Operating Christian) what the rapture really is. Essentially, according to certain texts interpreted in a certain manner by certain people (who all happen to have television shows that do not air at primetime nor on major networks) God is going to basically evacuate the world of all the good people (who all happen to have their own television shows and an uncanny ability to quote a vague equivocating sentence or two from the bible) before leaving the rest of us to be torn apart in the most bleeding vagina way possible. It's nothing space age like the beliefs of scientology, just good old fashion God kicking man's ass.

Now, if you listened to the people who are Rapture scholars, or Rapturetarians as I call them, or you regularly tuned in to their television shows, you would know that the Rapture is probably going to happen soon. I Hope you kept your Y2k stash stocked like I did. While these Bible geniuses cannot tell you the exact date (The Mayan calendar ends in 2012; hint hint) there are numerous passages indicating that the Earth is ripe for the rapture—most of which are based on the fact that a lot of other bad shit is going down. Be prepared. Soon, a portion of the world’s population is going to be divinely and majestically lifted from this earth—leaving the rest of the population to be tortured and ravaged by demons that probably look like Scott Baio or at least have the same eyebrows.

Many people fear the loss of their loved ones to the Rapture. I say good riddance; more beer and pussy for me. Others, potential Rapturees, worry about the grief caused to their dirty whore of a family member when they are Raptured away from the suck fest that is their pagan son’s life. The Daily Show did a piece on the Rapture a few years ago. Specifically, they did a piece on a service that allows prospective rapturees (PR’s) to write an email message that in the event of the rapture will be sent out to all the friends and family members they like, but have decided are ungodly. This seems like a very Christian act. Rapture emails remind me of that part in the bible (and Mel Gibson’s movie) where Jesus looks down from the cross at the innocent Romans and blatantly Jewish persecutors and says with his last words, “Have a nice life, fuckas!!! It's H-dubs for the J-dubs."

Regardless, this immensely popular service works by having a password mainframe that the PR must sign into every two weeks. If the PR does not sign into the mainframe every two weeks, the prepared email is sent out to the PR’s chosen mailing list. Note that PRs must get a rapture email sitter when leaving the country for missionary work lest they face a very awkward moment of shooting their rapture email load prematurely.

I signed up for an account myself. However, my selected email explains that I most likely have not been Raptured, which is probably due to a little bit of awesome experimentation I did in college and the fact that I don’t believe Jesus is the son of God (he seems more of a second cousin type to me). My email further extols that more likely I have been kidnapped by pissed off fundamental Christians and harmed in as many Jerry Fallwell approved ways as possible. I ask my friends to check the crawlspace under my house, the local dumpster and the East river for any clues of my whereabouts.

Now, I can imagine some of you are still skeptical about the Rapture. You doubt the Rapture’s magic. But let me tell you, I have seen it happen many a time. My car keys are Raptured practically daily. My glasses are also frequently Raptured. My girlfriend's birthday, important documents, childhood pets and sense of decency have all been Raptured. I must say, it’s pretty cool.

Now I will admit that at first this whole rapture thing was perplexing even to me. However, once you realize it’s happening, you get used to it. It's become a comfortable element of my everyday life. I used to yell at my mother, accusing her of moving all my drug paraphernalia and porn, but now I know it’s just God borrowing it for a god time and then keeping and holding onto it for me until I'm ready to use it for HIM, or whenever he's bored with it. By the way big man, I'm still looking for my old nintendo. When something's gone Raptured, rather than frantically panic, I just continue my day knowing God will return it from its state of Rapture when he God damn feels like it. Often times it seems like the only things God doesn't rapture from me are my virility and quick wit--coincidently these are the only two things I'll need come doomsday.

Raptureing your mind,
dr. koala dick

saturn bashing

dear universe, when are you gonna get with the fucking program? it's about time every one of you sacked up or ovaried up or whatever-it-is-you've-goted up and embraced the doctor koala dick happy wholesome oligarchy solution. you may hold on to your kings and your presidents and their glorious verbal handjobs; kd desires not the spotlight. all around us there are wrenches fucking with the works, and yes, the future looks bleak. but doctor koala dick's unique perspective and unparalleled innate brilliance can drag us out of this cosmic mire and into the age of unlimited excellence.

this universe is in a shambles. i mean, just take a look at our own galaxy. have any of you seen saturn? i know!! saturn is a blight on the milky way, has contributed next to nothing to interstellar culture, and has traded more bj's for crack cocaine than anyone else in recorded history. how long are we gonna put up with this ringed derelict before somebody lays the hammer down?

and hey, what about colorado? i have had it up to here with you, colorado. you sit there with your ski resorts and your uberdank ounces of mary jane and think you're soooo cool. you guys act like you invented mountain dew and smoking pot but anybody with half an education knows that isaac newton discovered mountain dew while under the influence of some primo white widow and presented it to the public at the first x games in 1710. the universe was extreme before you got here, colorado. get over it.

doctor koala dick is sick of this place. do you know what it feels like to be living in the year 2006 without wakeboard lanes on all the highways? this is supposed to be the future! isaac newton discovered mountain dew like 300 years ago!

so why don't you all just close your eyes and let the doctor go to work? doctor koala dick will install wakeboard lanes in all major highways within three years, wipe colorado from the map, and stick it to saturn like nobody has before.

because we deserve better.

and because fuck saturn.
dkd

Abraham Lincoln: shafted on BJ's?

Today, the thirteenth of February, we celebrate the birth of one of our nation's greatest leaders. In today's post-Pangea society, it is important to reflect on our current state and how we got here--a reflection not unlike the State of the Union address, but with more clapping--and to recognize those responsible for making life a little bit easier for all of us.
Lincoln was one of those guys. He basically won the Civil War for the Union, until '70s rock band Lynrd Skynrd won it back for the South and then died in a plane crash, a crash so epic that the South was no longer able to utilize its railroad infrastructure because the instruction manual for trains was encoded in Freebird and all the conductors were too sad to listen to it anymore, thus leaving the South without its prime advantage--an agrarian economy coupled with the inability to recognize fair criticism from Neil Young.

Lincoln freed the slaves. This was fucking huge. He also restrained himself from wording the emancipation proclamation: 'Dear South, read the declaration of independence--carefully this time--and pull your heads out of your asses. There will be plenty of time to work on your shitty truck after we take care of this.'
Lincoln also came through big time for Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan in the end of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, thus becoming the first U.S. president to tell San Dimas, CA to 'party on, dudes.' Lincoln's birthday reminds us of many things we take for granted, things this man gave us while asking little in return. A true public servant, seated firmly in the pantheon of American heroes, Lincoln can be a lesson to us all.

But his birthday raises a fairly obvious question: what's it like to celebrate one's birthday a mere day away from Valentine's Day? Did Mrs. Lincoln give him both a birthday blowjob and a Valentine's Day blowjob? Or, did Lincoln have it like kids with birthdays near Christmas, and have to get combination birthday-Valentine's Day blowjobs? Was Mrs. Lincoln even into bj's (and by into i mean willing to)? Did people even do that back then?

Now many people will tell you that Lincoln was gay. Just last week a history major friend of mine told me he'd read an epistolary correspondence between Lincoln and some other 1800s guy, and that some of the letters sounded pretty gay. For instance, Lincoln apparently wrote to this guy after he'd stayed with him, and mentioned something about how the dude's thighs felt when he and Lincoln were in bed. Now that sounds pretty gay. But, America, you have to understand: this was the 1800s. Back then EVERYONE was gay.

Think about it. Charles Darwin, Walt Whitman, Guglielmo Marconi: gay, gay, gay (especially Marconi). What's astonishing about all this is that Abraham Lincoln was NOT, in fact the first gay president: John Adams, who held the office from 1797 - 1801, and thus was president when the big gay 1800 new year's ball dropped, retains that distinction.

But my point is this: it doesn't matter that Lincoln was gay, because gay men need something special on Valentine's Day too. Back to the original topic at hand, my guess is that Lincoln got the two special acts only in years during which he had done something particularly great, like 1861-65. Before that, he was busy walking miles and miles to return dimes and losing the Lincoln-Douglas debates. He made a damn good showing, but that's not really worthy of double dome, now is it?

i think we all know the answer to that,
Dr. Koaladick