it's true. conduct an exit poll on christmas morning. collect your data and take a good look and surely you will agree that santa doesn't like you if you're poor. if you're rich, santa brings you like a new car or stock options or something similarly badass. if you're poor, santa brings you maybe christmas dinner. isn't santa kind of an asshole? why would he do something like this? what could bring one of the jolliest, most worshipped dudes on the planet to mollycoddle the fat cats? the answer is simple: santa claus fucking DOESN'T EXIST!!
dkd
15 December 2005
12 December 2005
The Worst Surprise Party Ever
Every year it happens. Jesus wakes up with a wicked hangover from his whatever night of the week it is party, and finds his celestial bedroom filled with the souls of roughly one and half millennia of jackfucks. When he starts to open his eyes, "SURPRISE!!!" roars from the chorus of nincompoops. At this hour--7am (Christians get up way too fucking early), this declaration of "surprise" is as nauseating as the mental image of Michael Bolton and Kenny G sixty-nining.
Jesus politely smiles at the crowd. He does this because he's Jesus, the Son of God, and the only being capable of keeping his composure in a situation this awkward. However, the smile never lasts long. Jesus is forced to pull the covers over his head. Safely hidden, Jesus thinks to himself, "Jesus, who the fuck are these people in my bedroom?" After a short period of time, the onlookers begin to pull the covers away from Jesus and shower him with crappy presents. Thus begins the shittest day in heaven for Jesus; December 25th.
You see the only thing worse than a surprise party (and they always suck), is a surprise party on the wrong day. It's bad enough on its own to be ambushed into quality time with your M R family and jerk off coworkers.
On your birthday though, you can rationalize it as their misplaced generosity on the one day they can be total shits to you while you're completely handcuffed by a “day of your birth” stipulation. However, say these monkeyshits forgot your birthday, or didn't know it in the first place. Say they just picked a random Tuesday on the calendar (cause you were born on a Tuesday, they think) and all convened at your house unbeknownst to you. Say Tuesday is the day you wank off to macchio porn, Macchio Day if you will. And say you had a bad day at work and all you want to do is lube it up to Karate Kid II. Then bam.... "Surprise". Say they did this every year.
Well Guess what.... this is what "Christians" do to Jesus every year.
Surprise America, you fucking idiots. I'm cool with the whole season of giving thing. I love the holidays. Keep the holidays; the world needs charity, kids need sweet ass toys, and I need my girlfriend to have as many reasons a possible to have sex with me. It's good for the economy. It's probably even bad for the terrorists (I imagine it's more difficult to pull off an attack when all the good parking spots are taken). All I’m saying is leave your Jesus pretensions at home. He doesn't want a part of this. Recently there has been a move by some groups to put the "Christ" back in Christmas. From under the covers surrounded by dead assholes Jesus says, “Eff You”.
Every moron that has watched the history channel for more then ten minutes knows that Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas. That's why smart people like the Doctor call it "X-Mas". So how did this confusion begin,, you ask? Allow me to explain:
You see every year Europeans, such as the Celts, the Romans, the Germans, The Norse and the Finnnnnnnns, all had a parties around December.
What were they celebrating? Some celebrated the solstice. Others just celebrated because it was cold as balls and they wanted to get drunk (Jerkoffs in Boston, does this ring a bell?). At a certain point a bunch of prude ass Christians showed up to the party and asked some cool dudes what was going on. The cool dudes realized that Christians were a total buzz kill so they planned their answer carefully. The conversation which probably took place in Ireland or England or something might have gone like this:
EXT. Europe-Night
It’s cold but peeps be crunk and kicking it by the fire. There is music and bitches.
Fundamental Christian: what's this going on here
Cool Dude 1: what are you talking about christian guy?
FC: This party here?
Cool Dude 2: Oh that.
Cool Dude 1: Um, what's the geyser you guys really really fancy?
FC: our lord and savior jesus christ
CD 1: yeah, it’s his birthday or something.
FC: it is?
CD 2: totally.
FC: We shall call it Christmas
CD 1: whatever.
Now I hope this "Christ" in Christmas issue and the whole boycott situation is a ploy by religious groups just to see how much lame ass pull they actually have. I really hope they aren't serious. Leave Jesus alone, he’s a grown ass man. He's tired, and his head hurts.
Playing the part of Cool Dude #1,
Dr. Koala Dick
Jesus politely smiles at the crowd. He does this because he's Jesus, the Son of God, and the only being capable of keeping his composure in a situation this awkward. However, the smile never lasts long. Jesus is forced to pull the covers over his head. Safely hidden, Jesus thinks to himself, "Jesus, who the fuck are these people in my bedroom?" After a short period of time, the onlookers begin to pull the covers away from Jesus and shower him with crappy presents. Thus begins the shittest day in heaven for Jesus; December 25th.
You see the only thing worse than a surprise party (and they always suck), is a surprise party on the wrong day. It's bad enough on its own to be ambushed into quality time with your M R family and jerk off coworkers.
On your birthday though, you can rationalize it as their misplaced generosity on the one day they can be total shits to you while you're completely handcuffed by a “day of your birth” stipulation. However, say these monkeyshits forgot your birthday, or didn't know it in the first place. Say they just picked a random Tuesday on the calendar (cause you were born on a Tuesday, they think) and all convened at your house unbeknownst to you. Say Tuesday is the day you wank off to macchio porn, Macchio Day if you will. And say you had a bad day at work and all you want to do is lube it up to Karate Kid II. Then bam.... "Surprise". Say they did this every year.Well Guess what.... this is what "Christians" do to Jesus every year.
Surprise America, you fucking idiots. I'm cool with the whole season of giving thing. I love the holidays. Keep the holidays; the world needs charity, kids need sweet ass toys, and I need my girlfriend to have as many reasons a possible to have sex with me. It's good for the economy. It's probably even bad for the terrorists (I imagine it's more difficult to pull off an attack when all the good parking spots are taken). All I’m saying is leave your Jesus pretensions at home. He doesn't want a part of this. Recently there has been a move by some groups to put the "Christ" back in Christmas. From under the covers surrounded by dead assholes Jesus says, “Eff You”.
Every moron that has watched the history channel for more then ten minutes knows that Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas. That's why smart people like the Doctor call it "X-Mas". So how did this confusion begin,, you ask? Allow me to explain:
You see every year Europeans, such as the Celts, the Romans, the Germans, The Norse and the Finnnnnnnns, all had a parties around December.
What were they celebrating? Some celebrated the solstice. Others just celebrated because it was cold as balls and they wanted to get drunk (Jerkoffs in Boston, does this ring a bell?). At a certain point a bunch of prude ass Christians showed up to the party and asked some cool dudes what was going on. The cool dudes realized that Christians were a total buzz kill so they planned their answer carefully. The conversation which probably took place in Ireland or England or something might have gone like this:
EXT. Europe-Night
It’s cold but peeps be crunk and kicking it by the fire. There is music and bitches.
Fundamental Christian: what's this going on here
Cool Dude 1: what are you talking about christian guy?
FC: This party here?
Cool Dude 2: Oh that.
Cool Dude 1: Um, what's the geyser you guys really really fancy?
FC: our lord and savior jesus christ
CD 1: yeah, it’s his birthday or something.
FC: it is?
CD 2: totally.
FC: We shall call it Christmas
CD 1: whatever.
Now I hope this "Christ" in Christmas issue and the whole boycott situation is a ploy by religious groups just to see how much lame ass pull they actually have. I really hope they aren't serious. Leave Jesus alone, he’s a grown ass man. He's tired, and his head hurts.
Playing the part of Cool Dude #1,
Dr. Koala Dick
05 December 2005
nostalgia is for pussies
Oh my god you guys: do you remember the '80s? I remember them SO hard.
Remember metal lunchboxes? They were SO cool. Remember David Hasselhoff, and Michael Jackson when he was cool and wore that piano t-shirt? Oh my god, remember that piano t-shirt? I do. Remember Pacman? And Top Gun? Pacman and Top Gun were awesome. Remember "Afterschool Special?"
Remember Gorbachev? Remember that spot on his head? That spot on Gorbachev's head was SO '80s.
I want to fuck the '80s. Oh my god. I want the '80s to drip honey all over me and love me slow. I want to give the '80s a handjob and NEVER wash my hand. I want to smell like the 80's genitals for weeks.
Remember Atari?
Sometimes I have dreams about the '80s and I wake up and my pants are all wet. What's that about? Is there maybe a book on this that
I can read and discover things about the '80s and my body and how I can please the '80s in the way it wants me to? I'm only 15, but I swear to God I remember this stuff.
Remember slap bracelets, and G.I. Joe, and Fraggle Rock?
Remember Cagney and Lacey?
No, you don't asshole. No one under the age of 25 does: you're not fooling anyone. How about this one: remember walking around the mall and being suffocated by clouds of Aquanet? Remember acid rain? That shit was caused by the big hair trend.
Remember all that shitty music? Remember motherfucking Poison, for God's sake? Remember the threat of nuclear annihilation? (alright, that was okay. a healthy dose of existential dread actually brings out the best in us.) But remember poverty, and the President saying he didn't think there was a reason for anyone in America to be poor? Remember the war on drugs? Yeah, righteous. I SO want to be a kid again, UH! I want to masturbate to pictures of tube socks, members only jackets and the war on drugs. The war on drugs was SO '80s.
I'm not saying that Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Fraggle Rock and everything else I actually do remember from my childhood weren't entirely fucking sweet, but can we please stop pimping them out like Thai hookers? If you handed Voltron three dollars and said "hey, I remember you SO hard. I remember you harder than any of the other rising juniors at the University of Michigan. Will you go down on me?" he would fuck you up with his huge sword.
Please. At least have the decency to nostalgify the early 90's too. they had Sublime and Bill Clinton.
No Voltron BJ's,
Doctor Koaladick
Remember metal lunchboxes? They were SO cool. Remember David Hasselhoff, and Michael Jackson when he was cool and wore that piano t-shirt? Oh my god, remember that piano t-shirt? I do. Remember Pacman? And Top Gun? Pacman and Top Gun were awesome. Remember "Afterschool Special?"
Remember Gorbachev? Remember that spot on his head? That spot on Gorbachev's head was SO '80s.
I want to fuck the '80s. Oh my god. I want the '80s to drip honey all over me and love me slow. I want to give the '80s a handjob and NEVER wash my hand. I want to smell like the 80's genitals for weeks.
Remember Atari?
Sometimes I have dreams about the '80s and I wake up and my pants are all wet. What's that about? Is there maybe a book on this that
I can read and discover things about the '80s and my body and how I can please the '80s in the way it wants me to? I'm only 15, but I swear to God I remember this stuff.Remember slap bracelets, and G.I. Joe, and Fraggle Rock?
Remember Cagney and Lacey?
No, you don't asshole. No one under the age of 25 does: you're not fooling anyone. How about this one: remember walking around the mall and being suffocated by clouds of Aquanet? Remember acid rain? That shit was caused by the big hair trend.
Remember all that shitty music? Remember motherfucking Poison, for God's sake? Remember the threat of nuclear annihilation? (alright, that was okay. a healthy dose of existential dread actually brings out the best in us.) But remember poverty, and the President saying he didn't think there was a reason for anyone in America to be poor? Remember the war on drugs? Yeah, righteous. I SO want to be a kid again, UH! I want to masturbate to pictures of tube socks, members only jackets and the war on drugs. The war on drugs was SO '80s.
I'm not saying that Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Fraggle Rock and everything else I actually do remember from my childhood weren't entirely fucking sweet, but can we please stop pimping them out like Thai hookers? If you handed Voltron three dollars and said "hey, I remember you SO hard. I remember you harder than any of the other rising juniors at the University of Michigan. Will you go down on me?" he would fuck you up with his huge sword.
Please. At least have the decency to nostalgify the early 90's too. they had Sublime and Bill Clinton.
No Voltron BJ's,
Doctor Koaladick
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