an open letter to richael mobbins

you just shut the hell up. seriously. that's what you do. the next time you're faced with an opportunity to talk some bullshit about whatever the hell it is you're ever talking about, you just shut the hell up. know what? you know what? i don't care if you wear a kilt. Mel Gibson, aka THE BRAVEHEART, told me that everybody in Scotland thinks you're a piece of shit. everybody! even the president of Scotland heard about that night at the Glasgow Zoo with the chimpanzee, and he text messaged, like, everybody.

China hates you. there are over one thousand three hundred million people in China. do you have any idea what it takes to get 1.3 billion people to agree on anything? well, apparently all it takes is two little words long: your bullshit.

Mel Gibson, aka THE BRAVEHEART, creator of The Passion of The Christ, let me in on a little secret. You see, apparently it was your fault that our lord and savior died, robbins, and not the fault of those pernicious jews as Mel had kind of led us to believe. jesus wasn't even really crucified. did you know that? jesus heard about the thing with the chimpanzee and he gave up on humanity and put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. are you beginning to understand the consequences of your bullshit? because of you, maybe the greatest black man ever to be painted white and appropriated by assholes killed himself, and the guys in charge had to come up with this whole cruciFICTION just so more people wouldn't find out about the night with the chimp and go kill themselves. that means you're also pretty much responsible for the crusades.

seriously, richael. chimp fucking is one thing, but getting fucked BY the chimp? and liking it? and videotaping it? and sending out copies of the tape as christmas cards when the act portrayed on said christmas card tapes DIRECTLY CAUSED THE DEATH OF CHRIST?

you just shut the hell up. that's what you do.

let me tell you how to beget

"Wouldn't it be great if they made, like a "Sesame Street", but for kids?"
-Ali G

Stop me if I get too vulgar…

I'm all for children's programming. As a youngster, I went to see Sesame Street on Ice. I found it to be a fun and educational time. I learned a lot about the letter G (as in Goat), the number 12, how to ice skate with a cape on (thanks Count), and I also learned that when you throw up cotton candy it kind of glows in the dark. All learning aside, I'm older now, and while i value the lessons educational programming has taught me, i have some issues and reservations with the blumpkin Bolsheviks down at PBS.

I know what you're thinking, here we go again. I agree with you. I think it would be sad to have a Blog totally designed for the purpose of reaming people. However, Dr. Koala Dick is clearly not that kind of institution. Koala Dick, from time to time, merely stumbles upon questions essential to threadwork of our goddamn society, and asks them in a very loud, public and anonymous manner. Sure, there is the occasional reaming, but I refer any complaints to the words uttered by the great Julius Caesar, "Fuck the Fuckheads".

So, why the fuck are Clifford the Big Red Dog, AND Big Bird so huge? And how this gone unquestioned for so long? What kind of sick bastard seeks to confuse impressionable children into believing that seven foot tall yellow birds and tsunami sized dogs actually exists? Was Sesame Street just down the ye olde road from Chernobyl? And if these freakish creatures did indeed exists, do you really believe they would be nice? I think we can all deduce from simple laws of nature and instinct that such dynamo creatures like the ones we are discussing would own independent Kingdoms. These Kingdoms would each resemble a primitive feudalistic society that is barely worth describing because it would be insult to the jack holes that find "Mad Max Three: Beyond ThunderDome" an acceptable film.

Brief “Kodak Moments” might include: Big Bird flying around the steel cage, Big Bird ripping out the hearts of challengers with his ginormous beak, and Big Bird retiring to his bed to gently sex up Tina Turner while screaming about getting his laundry done. Also,

Clifford would probably invade Manhattan like fucking Hannibal, take huge craps in central park, and run some kind of posse/ dog gang from his Trump Tower Penthouse (if the fuckcastle still existed). Whether or not this happens before the Nuclear Holocaust, I do not know. But again, to expose children to these treacherous possibilities is simply wrong.

The only thing more perplexing than the Big Bird/Clifford complex is how the fuck Sesame Street is habitat to both a Huge Yellow Bird (which clearly identifies him a tropical species) and a Wolly Mammoth. According to most scientific analysis the species Mammuthus primigenius became extinct roughly 30,000 years ago. While I wondering how Sesame Street obtained the Mammoth Monopoly owning the last member of its species, my sister reminded me that Snuffleupagus does indeed have a wife and a child.

The Snuffleupagus Family, if that is even their real name, must have the most interesting and twisted family tree this side of Arkansas/West Virgina/Mississippi/Alabama/any other retarded state, line. In case you missed it, I implied there was incest involved, good old fashioned Incest. I hear the babes always fall for the "survival of our species" contingency--its probably something about their natural mothering intuition. Somewhere down the line a Snuffleupagus ancestor was probably forced to breed outside its species. This might be the only time in my life I say, “We can only hope it was with an Elephant”.

Either way, this revelation explained a lot. Sesame Street is not about educating our children, but instead it aims to instill survival skills into a mentally retarded, lonely Woolly Mammoth.

The real tragedy is that for this Mammoth to continue his species, Big Snuffleupagus would have to first endure a reverse Henry VIII scenario; banging away in hopes for a female counterpart. Then comes the truly disgusting part where Snuffleupagus junior is forced to repeatedly jam his sister like goddman Noah of the Ark. Frankly the whole Mammoth Repopulation Endgame as is disgust me. The fact they would even include the possibility of such a scenario in what we accept as a children's shows is evidence of the variety of bell ends employed at PBS. You don't believe me? watch the funding telethon, its priceless the crap they try and pawn off on you. If there's any real lesson to be taken from the aforementioned Mammoth predicament, i think we can all look at Snuffleupagus Jr. as a perfect case for continuing cloning research.

what the eff is Elmo?

dr koala dick

ED NOTE: Upon further research, Dr, Koala Dick discovered that Aloysius Snuffleupagus, who I referred to as “Snuffleupagus Jr.” does indeed have a sister, Alice Snuffleupagus