today dr. koaladick went to a friendly neighborhood gas station and, after locating an arizona tea product (arnold palmer half and half with splenda: it kicked so much ass), asked the attendant a usual question: what's the cheapest kind of cigarettes you have? unfortunately dr. koaladick lives in a city where cigarettes run $6 a pack and up. he is not happy about this.
dr. koaladick is a hopeless addict. despite what his girlfriend will tell you, he does not think this makes him cool, nor does he do it just to piss her off. some people just don't understand.
so, as the doctor assumed a pouty demeanor and began sifting through the various medical licenses from rio, monte carlo, paris, singapore, and st. paul, minnesota that crowd his wallet (k.d. enjoys gambling, decriminalized drug laws, and the occasional snow-in with some chef boyardee lasagna and a quality pilsner) for a twenty-dollar bill, the dude behind the counter gave him an answer he'd never encountered: here, these, $1.99.
the doctor raised his visage, shocked, and marked the stack of green packs by the lighter display.
'what's this? $1.99?'
the attendant pointed.
the doctor picked one up. it said 'hat's off' and had a sketch of a dick tracy style hat. they were menthol 100's.
'i wonder why they're so cheap.' the doctor then noticed the words 'made in india' printed on the side. he also noticed the words 'twenty little cigars.'
he asked the attendant about this cigar business, and whether or not it was safe to inhale. the attendant told him they were cigarettes, not cigars. k.d. looked back to the box, coonfused. no point arguing with the man, he thought. the attendant said, again, 'cigarettes.' perhaps a shitty translator had been employed in the production of this pack of mystery smokes. etymologically, however, the prospect seemed sound.
. . .
the doctor's first puff sort of burned. 'jesus' he coughed, 'this stuff tastes like sandpaper. sandpaper and...and...eucalyptus?' dr. k's pupils grew wider, and by the time he had walked two blocks things were starting to get funny. everything moving a little slower than normal, and strangely disproportionate. the next thing he knew he was sitting in his living room with underpants on his head, shirtless and playing shinobe on ps2. for a second he thought there were bats.
. . .
dr. koaladick awoke the next day with a headache that felt like africa colliding with the arabian peninsula behind his forehead. he reached out his right hand and felt around for his medical bag, in dire need of really any of the pills it contained, but it wasn't there because he was on a sidewalk. the sidewalk next to wrigley field, to be exact. he could hear sounds that reminded him vaguely of words, rubbed his eyes and saw the fuzzy outline of some drunk bastard sloshing his beer around, carrying on about how the pirates suck. fucking idiot, thought dr. k, everybody knows the pirates suck...now where in god's name was that gas station?
the end
12 August 2005
03 August 2005
A moment of Introspection: vol. I
Dr. Koala Dick asks:
Which Messiah are you?
Answer all questions as honestly as possible, results below.
My favorite food is:
a) Duck
b) Cake
c) Rice
d) I don't eat, I have a gambling problem.
Its been a long day at work, you get home and your flatmates want to party, you:
a) Take a quick shot of tequila and rally
b) Tell them to go on without you, open a bottle of wine and turn on Lifetime
c) Tell them you're not feeling well then while they're out call my fuck buddy again and do it in the Kitchen (because its the most social room).
d) Use the vibrator, but tell my friends I'll catch them next time.
My pick to win English Premiership this year is:
a) Whatever team has the prettiest jerseys.
b) Chelsea, you have to respect financial security.
c) Liverpool, they are the classic example of the conflict between of underachieving and overachieving.
d) I'm a total cock and know nothing about football, but I think David Beckham is dreamy.
If I HAD to bang one of the Golden girls it would definitely be:
a) Dorothy
b) Rose
c) Blanche
d) Sophia
If you were in the circus you would be the:
a) Fire eater
b) Ringleader
c) The blades of grass, outside the tent; serene, complex, motivated.
D) The Clown
Israel is not relinquishing land it promised to Palestine in peace agreements; as president of the United States you:
a) Send and independent committee to conduct new negotiations
b) Magically build another country out of trash and give it to the Palestinians. I would probably call it Crapakistan.
c) Watch whatever is on CBS, there's no way to solve this shit.
d) Continue to Kick ass
If you had only one wish, you would:
a) Turn back time and bring the pants I'm wearing back in style
b) Be a ballerina
c) Have a mind blowing electronic orgy with every 70's sitcom star I've ever secretly desired
d) Teach me to talk about my compulsive eating
If you answered:
mostly a's) you are Prometheus. You gave man fire and paid for it by having your organs eaten by birds for eternity. Enjoy your medicines, your snuff porn, and your lasers.
mostly b's) you are Jesus. You are the cake eater of Messiahs. The hair style you champion goes in and out of style harder than Rollerblading. Your followers will kill and persecute thousands of people over the course of history. Then, in a stunning move, pretend thse events are not relevant while simultaneously making shitty movies about the whole ordeal.
mostly c's) you are Buddha. This quiz means nothing to and you're probably stoned right now anyway.
mostly d's) You are the Ralph Macchio. Yes Ralph Macchio is a messiah. Everybody knows that aside from his eloquent performance as the Karate Kid and mastery of the swan kick Ralph Macchio also bakes a delicious cobbler and consoles troubled teens on a bi-weekly basis. Ralph Macchio also invented tan lines and aluminum.
Which Messiah are you?
Answer all questions as honestly as possible, results below.
My favorite food is:
a) Duck
b) Cake
c) Rice
d) I don't eat, I have a gambling problem.
Its been a long day at work, you get home and your flatmates want to party, you:
a) Take a quick shot of tequila and rally
b) Tell them to go on without you, open a bottle of wine and turn on Lifetime
c) Tell them you're not feeling well then while they're out call my fuck buddy again and do it in the Kitchen (because its the most social room).
d) Use the vibrator, but tell my friends I'll catch them next time.
My pick to win English Premiership this year is:
a) Whatever team has the prettiest jerseys.
b) Chelsea, you have to respect financial security.
c) Liverpool, they are the classic example of the conflict between of underachieving and overachieving.
d) I'm a total cock and know nothing about football, but I think David Beckham is dreamy.
If I HAD to bang one of the Golden girls it would definitely be:
a) Dorothy
b) Rose
c) Blanche
d) Sophia
If you were in the circus you would be the:
a) Fire eater
b) Ringleader
c) The blades of grass, outside the tent; serene, complex, motivated.
D) The Clown
Israel is not relinquishing land it promised to Palestine in peace agreements; as president of the United States you:
a) Send and independent committee to conduct new negotiations
b) Magically build another country out of trash and give it to the Palestinians. I would probably call it Crapakistan.
c) Watch whatever is on CBS, there's no way to solve this shit.
d) Continue to Kick ass
If you had only one wish, you would:
a) Turn back time and bring the pants I'm wearing back in style
b) Be a ballerina
c) Have a mind blowing electronic orgy with every 70's sitcom star I've ever secretly desired
d) Teach me to talk about my compulsive eating
If you answered:
mostly a's) you are Prometheus. You gave man fire and paid for it by having your organs eaten by birds for eternity. Enjoy your medicines, your snuff porn, and your lasers.
mostly b's) you are Jesus. You are the cake eater of Messiahs. The hair style you champion goes in and out of style harder than Rollerblading. Your followers will kill and persecute thousands of people over the course of history. Then, in a stunning move, pretend thse events are not relevant while simultaneously making shitty movies about the whole ordeal.
mostly c's) you are Buddha. This quiz means nothing to and you're probably stoned right now anyway.
mostly d's) You are the Ralph Macchio. Yes Ralph Macchio is a messiah. Everybody knows that aside from his eloquent performance as the Karate Kid and mastery of the swan kick Ralph Macchio also bakes a delicious cobbler and consoles troubled teens on a bi-weekly basis. Ralph Macchio also invented tan lines and aluminum.
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