doctor koala dick

Where have you been?

2008-11-15T13:07:00.003-06:00

Trying to help out a kid! Where the fuck have you been?

The One About the French

2007-12-02T17:34:00.000-06:00

Burning with Culture

Sometime this week, my future at the company I currently work for will be decided by a grape-sniffing, Sarkozy-loving, continental. This middle-aged man will ash his cigarette, and through the thin veil of smoke ponder the deep philosophical significance of a bottom-line number, make some general assessments on personnel efficiency, and determine if this company can afford to keep me.

As beautiful as that sounds, didn't we fight a war to prevent this exact situation?

I fear globalization is just advertising campaign brought to you Cisco Systems and Monster.com.

what can a poor boy do?
Dr. Koala Dick

The Constitutional Convention of 1787

2007-10-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

George Washington rallies support for the Constitution's ratification.

Dr. KD to Launch "Thousands of Ideas"

2007-07-14T19:41:00.001-05:00

Ladies and Dudes,

After several months of drug induced hibernation and bitching about everything, Dr. Koala Dick is poised to launch thousands of ideas it has been keeping in a secret book that no one has ever seen. Seriously, there are thousands of them.

Said thousands are expected to shatter minds in China, India, South America, the U.K. and certain parts of Nebraska (I'm talking about you Greater Omaha Metropolitan Area!). Kaopectate has multiplied its shipments three fold in anticipation of these ideas' intestinal after effects on the greater populace.

Expect to see people doing a new dance, and wearing their hair in fashions that sicken Big Establishment. Dudes will have boners, and wet muff will abound. I didn't even want to have to tell you about that, but seriously I'm trying to prepare you for what is coming.

Fuck Culture,

Dr. Koala Dick

I still have my license to practice, bitches.

The Day After Mardi Gras Jamie reflects on her Acquired Bead Collection with Great Sentiment.

2007-03-01T20:40:00.000-06:00

Chili Pepper Beads:
Jamie isn’t particularly fond of spicy foods, but the small chili peppers adorning this string of beads makes her smile. While she is not entirely sure why so many people enjoy the chili pepper as a decorative shape, (perhaps it is a phallic Freudian obsession) personally, the sight of chili peppers brings her back to her childhood. She recalls sitting in her Grandmother’s kitchen for hours listening to Grandmother bestow Grandmotherly wisdom upon her, while diligently preparing the delicious signature chili that Jamie’s Grandfather would obsess over. It also reminds her of how that creepy old guy (who kind of looked like grandpa) yelled, “hey hot stuff!” as he tossed this particular strand at her while she flashed her massive hooters in his general direction.

American Flag Beads:
Ever since before 9/11 happened, Jamie has been Pro-America. Europe can keep their accents and silly history. Jamie loves pick up trucks, strip malls, and American Idol. In fact, she would zealously support any American Idol over an Idol from any other country, no matter how good a singer they were, or how much they looked like Heath Ledger. While Jamie doesn’t have any relatives in the military, she did let any man in a navel uniform, army jacket, or any sort of cammo really, grope her breast as they desired. Jamie assumes this is probably origin of this particular bead necklace. As she gazes into the red, white, blue, and waving American flag shaped beads she reflects on how strong, and patriotic each of those fingers felt at they delicately twisted and tugged her nipples on the dirty street corner.

Dolphin Beads:
Jamie isn’t what her father refers to as a “liberal nut-job” but she understands the need to preserve the environment. She took a class about it in college she is pretty sure. She knows that people drive too many cars and build too many greenhouses and that every day this makes it harder for Dolphins to live. Soon we will only have dolphins in Seaworld. As she stares at the dolphin emblem on the bead, she can’t recall where she received this strand, but she finds herself relating to the dolphin; free, and wild, but soon to be permanently tamed. She recalls how she felt this exact sensation as she walked the four blocks down Bourbon Street from Canal to St. Louis Street completely topless letting her jumbo tits hang free, exposed, and wild for everyone to observe and enjoy, especially the homeless guy who she caught jerking off in the alley.

Super Bowl XXVI Commemorative Beads:
Jamie has never been to the Super Bowl. In fact the only time she has ever been a professional Football game she got too drunk Tailgating and had to leave at Halftime. Stadium Security preferred that she vomit in the parking lot as opposed to anywhere inside the Stadium. As her now Ex-boyfriend held her hair and told her he didn’t mind missing the game to be with her, she knew she was in love. She confirmed it again when he confessed how much he loved her as she gave him fellatio in the back seat of his friend’s truck while they waited for the game to end. While the sight of these Super Bowl beads reminds her of the pain of the love she lost, it also reminds her of the beauty we can possess as a civilization, the love we can exchange, and the love she received from the thousands of men who touched, fondled, and gazed upon her big sloppy love bombs during Mardi Gras.

John Steinbeck Asks:

2007-01-22T17:02:00.000-06:00

Fashioned Facts

2006-12-04T22:37:00.000-06:00

There are three essential axioms when deciding how to dress for your first day of work at a new office.

1. Accentuate Your Junk.
First impressions are everything. If I was making a first impression, I would want that impression to be that I have balls. No one likes an empty-sacker. This immediately lets your coworkers know that when they fight alongside you, you will bring cahonesn as well as--depending on just how large you go--several vicious swear words (wanking fucknut comes to mind!) to the table. Also, they will know that in the event they have to fight against you--remember, they already have fucked up families at home--it's going to be really nasty.

2. Dress Ambiguously Gay.
When I was growing up my dad always toasted his drink "to the confusion of the enemy". This would always be received with at least one confused look from a guest and a chuckle from my dad. My dad gets a lot of mileage out of his jokes. Unfortunately, there is something to his drinking logic. You want to keep everyone on their toes. You don't want them to know who you are right off the back. Being mysterious is good. As long as you don't have a defined personality, your coworkers can idealize you into something they want you to be. Then you can be that person and manipulate them to do things you don't want to do.
Your perceived gayness will keep other males on edge and give you a competitive advantage. Meanwhile, your supposed status as a non-threatening Male will drive sexy secretaries your way like a Dodge City cattle drive.
(Caveat: you may have to pretend that you enjoy "Grey's Anatomy" or that you care about what some slut celebrity wears to really sell this one).

3. Wear Glasses.
Be like Clarke Kent. You can be as clumsy and stupid as you want, but non-goggled coworkers will still automatically assume you're smarter than them. Be prepared to be asked what the capital of Ghana is, what 1123/3.76 is, what happened at the end of Finnegan's Wake, or how lasers work. Then, when you can't answer, be prepared to watch the person think they asked one of the most difficult questions in the world, because if you don't know it....shiiitttttt...who would? Seriously though, who the fuck knows how lasers work?

Sit back, clean off your glasses, and get ready to really enjoy hating your life.

expense your underwear,
dr. koala dick

Bob's Ross's predictably late plea to Legalize It

2006-11-28T22:47:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen.

I speak to you on behalf of my good friend, the great Dr. Koala Dick.

Let me begin by saying Eucalyptus is a plant, not a Killer. This is important, I don't like things that kill people. I once killed a person, I don't talk about it anymore, but I will say it was nothing to brag about. It certainly wasn't as amazing as Eucalyptus; a natural substance, enjoyed by thousand of koala's everyday. Need I remind you, Eucalyptus was once legal in OUR country. This country.

Uncle Sam grew eucalyptus. I painted a really happy picture of it. Check it out.

In 1920's skeptical immigrants and general public were tricked into believing outrageous lies about Euclyptus. Through a series of Yellow Journalism pieces backed by a heavy Aloe lobby from Mexico, the American public abandoned a plant that had treated their Koala's so well. You heard me right, people used to have pet Koala's, it was pretty sweet. I'm pretty sure I painted a picture of it. These days, Mexico not only provides 75% of America's Aloe, they control 80% of the black market Eucalyptus trade. Do you realize how much money the Government could be making on a Eucalyptus Tax. We could finally provide adequate school for deaf and blind children.

The Government wants you to believe eucalyptus is bad for you, and has long term harmful effects. This is because they are stubborn and don't listen to people who are trying to explain themselves. They are afraid to admit their mistakes. They just want to put everything before the court--which is ugly, I have never painted a picture of a courtroom.
Fact: There has never been a long term study on the effects of eucalyptus.
Eucalyptus has been proven to have positive effects. It relieves the pain of certain diseases. It has been known to prevent polio and the mumps. It makes movies funnier, music better, and sex more enjoyable.

Your parents probably have used Eucalyptus in their past. Most of my friends did. Look at them, they're rich and unhappy. Unhappy because they can't have Eucalyptus anymore. Don't you want to be rich. Don't you want to be happy when your rich.

If so vote yes on proposition H. Legalize Eucalyptus.

I'll fucking kick your ass if you don't,

Bob Ross and his pet baby raccoon "Mussolini".

Gatherers Unite

2006-11-07T23:02:00.000-06:00

Election 2006: Stem Cells? More Like WHATEVER

2006-11-07T18:20:00.000-06:00

Natolution

2006-11-03T22:14:00.000-06:00

That's right, Natolution.

Elections are coming up. Tragically, some form of government will be elected.

While, I'm not personally running, I think this provides a great opportunity to talk about something I'm really interested in: Stem-Cell research.

For starters, I don't know who does the PR for Stem-Cell research, but if they were any good they would change that name. It sounds too much like something that could go horribly wrong. can you recall a time you talked about the "stem" of something in a positive light? No, it sounds creepy, spinal even. A Real genius would search for something more positive, such as Project Supernova, or The Fantastic Initiative; those both roll right off the tongue. I personally considered recommending something along the Tree of Life/Fountain of Youth line, but I want to see how that movie "The Fountain" ends-- this is just a guess, but it could end in tears.

There are several ads nationwide featuring Michael J. Fox persuading the public to vote on behalf of pursuing stem cell research. Why he needs to take out ads, and why there are people who do not follow Michael J. Fox's orders astounds me.
Michael J. Fox has literally(cinematically)traveled into the future, and he has seen what the Future looks like(cinematically), and he brought it back to us(cinematically). In case you forgot what it looked like, it had self-drying jackets and hover boards. I am a huge proponent of this future. Michael J. Fox could tell me to invest in shit-flavored bananas and I would do so without with a single question or reservation. He is my prophet (cinematically).

Michael J. Fox is attempting to take us by the hand and lead us to a new and better future. One in which we are not humans, but super humans. I'll admit, I have been a huge advocate of superhumanism ever since the first time I played "Mortal Kombat"

In case you are unaware, here are somethings I learned about Stem Cell research from listening to NPR:

Stem cells are the cells in your body that make new cells. Each stem cell is given a task to create a specific kind of cell. Prenatal cells though are tabula rosa. They can be manipulate to create any type of cell in the human body. By using prenatal stem cells you can literally grow, your hear that, GROW any cell, part, or accessory of the human body. Through genetic manipulation you can make these cells or parts entirely compatible with your body. Theoretically, you can have an entire farm of your Legs. You could find yourself waking up very early one morning to check out the new leg crop, and brush the dew off them. And oh yeah, they might be able to cure some diseases or something.

This is it folks, this is our chance to evolve. We were born with awesome brains that have no discovered how to make new even better brains. A portion of the country finds this frightening, amoral and unnatural. But what could be more natural than brains developing to make better brains. Just because Scientist make these deus-liek improvements in sterile white labs with scary coats on doesn't mean this isn't what and sensible deity had planned for us. What do you think God wore when he created man? What do you think the room looked like?

This progression. This survival of the fittest. This is natural evolution. Natalution.

Think you're body is pretty sweet now? Think it makes sense? I say, what about another set of arms? or a second brain? Think about how this could improve our society on even the most basic level. I mean, at the banal, laymen, proletariat, ground floor level. That's right, think of the Porn we would have. Four arms and two brains? I'm thinking crazy insane-not-even-in-the-karma-sutra-yet-not-like-i-would-know-because-i-never-read-it-
i-just-looked-at-my-girlfriends-cosmos-each-month sex going on. Not mention, the whole script would have the vocabulary of Shakespeare, and plot twists that make Hitchcock look like the guy who writes "That's So Raven" every week.

Wars would be so much cooler(cinematically)

Four armed people would give great hugs.

Shower time would be halved--benefiting the world water supply.

There would be a lot of jobs because we would have to start making whole new kinds of shirts.

And probably some diseases would be cured because scientists could hold more vials and apparently stem cell research might cure diseases.

Think about it. Listen to the Fox.

not a total pervert just a natolution advocate,
Dr. Koala Dick

there's a fine line between man and ape, and thats natolution and baby i want it.

PRESCRIPTION FOR SUCCESS: how to write a cover letter

2006-11-03T18:13:00.000-06:00

Using the following sentences in a cover letter will yield mad responses:

My grammar skills are undefeated.

I am nearly incontinent at the possibility of working for you.

I want to work for a menacing gargantuan like Company XYZ.

I am fluent in French, Spanish, and Jive.

If you hire me, I will dedicate myself to frightening your enemies.

Experience watching Bloodsport has taught me the value of hard work.

My communication skills are impenetrable.

My research skills are crunk.

I am sweaty at the possibility of joining your team.

Company XYZ is barbaric and omnipotent, and that attracts me.

You won't have to worry about my strong moral compass; I will dedicate myself to serving your needs.

If you hired me I would be SO into it.

I have applied for several similar positions, but have been turned down because I am a nudist.

Bending the will of your competitors will be my primary objective.

I will assist your sales team with homemade cookies and brute force.

This summer I interned with conservationists at the San Diego Zoo; there, I learned to translate animal to human.

Most people have heard of me.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate my skills while suppressing the urge to kill again.

At my previous position I was often late, but not that late.

My editing skills are legendary.

I have experience using Microsoft Powerpoint and can make presentations that are very enticing.

I am excited about the direction in which Company XYZ is headed despite the racketeering charges.

Thank you for reviewing my application; I will call your offices in ten minutes to check on its status.

This prescription for success is free, as a gift to you from Dr. Koaladick. We are, however, working on setting up a tip jar via PayPal; the plan is that somewhere down the line our readers will be forced to calculate 20% of a life-changing moment.

prehistoric ambulance chasers

2006-11-02T20:48:00.000-06:00

Archaeologists in Quebec recently uncovered this cave painting, allegedly from the Upper Paleolithic era some 25,000 years ago. If the painting's date and origin are correct, it signifies the earliest advertisement for personal injury legal services in world history.

The arrival of personal injury lawyers has long been thought an important development in early homo sapiens society. In recent years, however, some scientists have disagreed, claiming it was in fact totally lame.

Great Moments in Boner History

2006-10-30T22:59:00.000-06:00

Kierkegaard's constant boner:

Though generally glossed over by modern biographers, it is a common understanding among serious scholars that in the years between his 12th birthday in 1825 and his death in 1855, Soren Kierkegaard had a boner that just would not go away.

Here's to you, Kierkegaard! One hundred and fifty years later your erectile prowess remains second to none.

Serious Things to consider

2006-10-30T21:15:00.000-06:00

This much I know: one day I will wake up and I'll have a mustache. It is in my DNA. Furthermore, under no circumstance and by no revolutionary medical procedure--including those performed by foreign doctors in dubious circumstances--will I be able to remove this mustache from my face. Mustaches are like cockroaches, they have a pervasive, superhuman conquering quality about them. They are almost never associated with the term “ephemeral”—even when the discussion involves a massive nuclear exchange scenario. The morning I wake up with a mustache I might even like it. I'm not sure; I don't know how DNA works.

My grandfather had a mustache, my dad STILL has a mustache and the lineage of 'staches--according to the vast file of family photos I have assembled--seems to suggest this trend continues all the way back to Ireland before photographs and even portrait drawing had developed into viable technologies. Hair around the mouth is an inveterate family tradition. Somewhere in a cave in Africa, there is a painting of one my ancestors, extremely hairy under the nose.

With the inevitably and finality of this event confirmed, many questions remain.

What do I do now?

Do I rage, rage against the dying of the light? Or do I start now learning the habits and intricacies of this slightly hairier culture?

I mean Otto Von Bismarck had a HUGE mustache, and he wrecked France. Jeff Foxworthy... he's made a lot of money, right? Worst case scenario I could always go the Burt Reynolds bon vivant route. Sure he's made some bad life decisions, but he'll probably go down historically as a guy that nailed a bunch of hotties. I could do worse.

What new hobbies will I enjoy? Will model glue be involved? Should I stock up if I see a sale?

How much of my life will now be devoted to mustache maintenance? Will it be Mustache Zen Maintenance?

Will I want to trick-out my mustache? If so, what options are available? Flames?

How will this mustache improve my gruffness. When I bring this new gruff element to the table, will I reach a new dating demographic? And if so, is this babe demographic older or younger?

Will gay guys finally start buying me the number of drinks I deserve?

These are big questions. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’ll try not to kill myself in the interim.

Note: Public-- mustache ride jokes aren't funny anymore.
dr. koala dick

Because there is an election coming up

2006-10-30T19:40:00.000-06:00

FUCK PLUTO

2006-10-03T19:56:00.000-05:00

Literally, everywhere I go, and I mean fucking EVERYWHERE, I hear the masses plea for Pluto's inclusion in our galaxy. Pluto-mania is degrading, and I'm tired of hearing about it. We are a superior galaxy without it; this is evolution. Pluto is an impostor.

Pluto isn't even an impostor.

Pluto is nothing.

Let me ask you this America; Do you know Pluto?

Do you know that in 1984 three virgins were raped during an incident in Texas where the manager of a fast-food establishment was fatally shot four times in the eye, and that they never found the killer? Did you know that Pluto killed that manager and raped those girls? Because Pluto did. How do I know that? Because Pluto had the audactiy to tell me.

Look at Pluto. Look at Pluto right now. Pluto is smirking.

Pluto is irrationally pro-life. He wants fetuses to live so he can kill babies.

Pluto once wrote a mass email to corporate America claiming to be the long lost son of Rod Stewart, and requested discreet loans to help him pay for a DNA test that would prove his relation and allow him to collect on his deserved portion of Rod Stewart's estate. Thousands of Americans lent Pluto excessive sums of money. Why? Because as Pluto and Maury Povich know, America loves a good DNA test. America is also a trusting country. You know what Pluto did? Pluto took the money and put in a Bahamanian bank account, never to be seen again.

Pluto invented the Canadian Lottery.

Pluto covered Stairway to Heaven, and to this day likes its own version better.

Pluto will eventually crash into us.

Pluto is a huge Dave Matthews Band fan.

Pluto is a vegan.

I'm Dr. Koala Dick and I'm against Pluto

WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF HIS FACE!

paid for by dudes for a most excellent galaxy

BREAKING NEWS: Doctor Koaladick Goes to Code Orange Job Search Shutdown Alert

2006-09-28T15:54:00.001-05:00

Ever received a letter that looked something like this:

Dear Dr. Koaladick,

Thank you very much for applying for the part-time data entry trainee job. I’m sorry to say that we’re going to be hiring someone else for the position. We appreciate the time and effort you put into the application.

Sincerely,
jobs@internationalscrabblestatistics.com

Dr. Koaladick sure got one. And here was his reply:

Dear Jerks,

Slob on my job.

Thanks (facetiously),
Dr. Koaladick

Nobody turns down the Doctor for a part-time data entry job and gets away without a scathing retort. He didn't go through three and a half years of intense, near-militaristic training in Koala medical school and a grueling residency at First Koala Baptist Hospital in French Guyana only to be told he wasn't good enough at Excel. Fuck Excel. Doctors don't need it. Dr. Koaladick's job search lesson of the day: scathing retorts build respect in an industry and will only further your career through reputation.

3rd person all the way,
Dr. K

Ding Dong:

2006-09-23T03:14:00.000-05:00

ENCOUNTERING RUDENESS: the supermarket

2006-09-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

A supermarket may seem like a "super" place, but these bustling epicenters of gluttony can be veritable petri dishes for unnecessarily rude behavior. A supermarket always has an unsavory underbelly and, usually, it's the people who work there. Just politely force a supermarket employee to let you into a store's bathroom. On the way you'll see a hallway and a break room filled with folded-up boxes labeled "oranges," "ding dongs," and "home enema kits." This says a lot about supermarket employees. First of all, who leaves so many boxes lying around? Maybe they did it to complement all the sticky brown linoleum, but more likely these people just live like savages. No wonder they are so unhappy. Also, some of the boxes are big enough to make substantial forts out of. Let's try to demonstrate some creativity, people.

Supermarket employees tend to have the attitude of "look, I don't WANT to be here." But what supermarket employees don't realize is that I don't WANT to be there either. If it were up to me, humans would have stolen the secret of photosynthesis from plants long ago. Come on evolution, we need this.

But it's not just the employees. Complete strangers, evidently unable to handle the stress of produce, roll their eyes, sigh demonstratively, and generally act like big jerks when spoken to. This happens on a routine basis, noticeably more so in supermarkets in urban centers on the east coast. It's usually not an outright insult but a tacit implication of "I don't want to talk to you. I obviously hate sharing and didn't learn a damn thing from preschool. Want to play duck duck goose? I'll fight you." Sometimes it's difficult to respond to that kind of attitude. I say we do something, by silently walking away less and calling people "dickless" more. There's no reason we as a nation shouldn't be rude right back.

Watch as this baby is confronted with rudeness and struggles at first to find a response, but then digs deep to send a lasting message:

uh oh, that baby just got dissed

think, baby, think!

nicely done

And watch as this lady deftly handles a produce worker who looks like Moby (so many of them do) with a ready response.

this lady knows what's up in the produce section

See, it's not that hard. Just carry around an insult in your head in case you need to use it. I like "assbag" or "dicksmoke," and sometimes even the more obscure "jerkfuck" (what does that even mean?). Don't hesitate: when someone is rude to you, call them a name before it's too late.

power to the people
Dr. Koaladick

Three questions

2006-09-20T12:04:00.000-05:00

When I hear people in the street arguing in arabic, or some vaguely clicky language that sounds like it's from the middle east, I automatically assume they're arguing about Israel. Question: Is this wrong? And would it be appropriate for me to tell them I think the solution to the whole Israel-Palestine conflict has something to do with Natalie Portman having twins with the future head of Hamas?

You remember that show Denver the Last Dinosaur? Remember how he was "your friend and a whole lot more"? What was up with the "whole lot more" part?

I recently recieved a free massage from a guy with the same name as me. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it. Does this make me gay? And if so, should I have tipped him poorly?

stepping over passed out goth nerds all day long

dr. koala dick

LET'S GET RID OF THIS WORD!

2006-08-22T18:57:00.000-05:00

Once when I was in fifth grade, I bought a sweet pair of Rollerblades. They were black and electric orange did I mention that they were sweet. They were so sweet that I had barely had them an hour before I smacked two rad, matching, No Fear stickers on the back of them. If Steve McQueen had a pair of Rollerblades, this is what they would have looked like.

After the stickers were affixed, I took them out for a spin grabbing my Easton aluminum hockey stick on the way. After five minutes of contemplating the intricacies of the Blades; testing their glide, turning ability, just how tight I could strap those babies around my feet, I came to the conclusion that these Rollerblades needed to be pimped out to the gills.

Always thinking ahead, I had bought a set of fucking sweet “Bullzeye” wheels (In Red) and Killer Bee Abec 5 bearings for the wheels at the store along with the blades. We did not joke around back then. I was twelve, it was 1995 and every kid I knew wanted to be a roller hockey junkie, and I wanted to be the junkiest of the junkies.

I went inside prepared the wheels, and took the original wheels out of the blades. As I began to insert my new wheel inside the blade there was a tightness, much like a tightness I would experience later in life, however this one was not natural. Even at the young age of twelve, I understood that there would be no getting this wheel into that blade no matter how hard I tried to jam it in.

Being the Sherlock that I am, I went to check the packaging for clues. Certainly I had bought the right size wheels. The instructions on the wheels claimed to fit any adult male size Rollerblade. This made no sense. I had Rollerblade ® Rollerblades, so they had to be industry standard size. And it was impossible that I had picked these sweet blades from the female section. I didn’t like figure skating, and as a corollary there was no way this could have happened--even accidentally, especially accidentally. I checked the package of the blades to see if they were any clues there or some sort of help number I could have my mom call to berate some poor sucker in Nebraska. It was on the Rollerblade box that I discovered the root of my problem. The Rollerblades were not adult male size, they were…….UNISEX!

First off all, the way society uses the term “unisex” is bullshit. It does not even corresponded to the Latin correctly. Obviously the term “unisex” when broken down ( uni and sex) translates to something along the lines of “one sex”. How does a word that means “one sex” refer to things that are supposed to be applicable to both sexes? How do they even do this with Rollerblades when the male and female foot sizing are on different standards?

This leads to another problem with the word. Things that claim to be unisex, never really are. Name one thing that you know to be labeled unisex. Is it really unisex? The only thing I can think of that transcends this rule is sleep, and that’s medical.
Whenever someone makes attempt to go the unisex route, usually we, as a society, are able to associate some gender specifications to their choices. Consequently, we then make value judgments on their decisions--“ Nice Kilt?”. We all know what moomoo's, pony tails, and cooking classes mean. Unisex attempts to be extra medium, and that is bullshit.

As you can imagine, twelve year old me was terrified upon making this discovery. Was there something wrong with me? Sexually…no (and I have the signatures to prove it). I had just been tricked once again by the corporate world fuckheads in part of their attempt to socialize the world so they could make millions of dollars while we all rot in low lit basements wearing orange sweaters. Ten years after, we all know what happened to Rollerblade ® and they’re decision to be unisexual. What’s the hardest part about Rollerblading? Telling your parents you’re gay. I returned mine. I did this not because I was insecure, but because you know who loves unisex? Communists, that's who.

This is why I decree we should eliminate this word for our vocabulary. If Ted Theodore Logan couldn't make a word sound cool, then it shouldn't be there in the first place.

The Equation

2006-08-04T19:21:00.000-05:00

A little math I learned on the subway:

spring break Germany '07?

SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING ABOUT THE WEATHER!

2006-07-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, in an effort to improve weather moral, The National Weather Service announced plans to change the naming systems for all tropical storms and hurricanes. Officials at the monolith of geeks decided to make the move to avoid being a daily scapegoat like they were last year. NWS Spokesman Tom Krog articulated the NWS's stance, "Frankly we were all tired of the lack of respect we get from both the general public and the weather itself. It’s a shit job, and I went to college for four years. I promise you this, a Meteorology Major is way harder than Dentistry School. We decided it was time to show the weather who’s boss." The new system is aimed with increasing the public’s excitement with weather. Krog went on to explained the NWS's choices for the names, "The idea is to change storms names from their current state to objects associated with the current culture's nostalgia. No one wants to get hit by Hurricane Beta--it sounds like an STD". While the nation will still be bombared by massive storms in unprecedented numbers, The NWS hopes that the new naming system will give each powerful storm and “American Idol” like popularity. Below are some examples of the new naming system.

Hurricane Christmas is Coming

Hurricane Tracy Chapman

Tropical Depression Rollerblades

What I Learned One Semester in College

2006-07-12T17:17:00.000-05:00

But does he like the "tradition" of kissing shirtless boys???

America Forced to do 230 Birthday Shots by Asshole Friend

2006-07-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

America awoke late this afternoon with dark circles under its eyes. The previous night's July 4th bash had taken its toll.

This is not a common feeling for America, a nation known not only for apple pie, baseball, and assassinating people with missles from hundreds of miles away, but for holding its liquor (or so it tells chicks). However, late last night America's asshole friend Judd Mueller forced the proudest of nations to do 230 birthday shots, then shoved it into its own pool, permanently fucking up its cell phone.

This was only after Mueller, along with an entourage of America's loose acquaintances who had not been invited to America's very nicely catered party, shot roman candles at each other in America's garage. America, almost fully incapacitated by alchohol and busy chatting up an equally drunk Mexico, was unable to get it together and throw Mr. Mueller out before it was too late.

The scene was ugly as America, flailing in the pool and unaware of its phone's condition, swam to the shallow end and celebrated by shouting a rendition of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man."

Has America learned its lesson? Only time will tell. One thing, however, remains certain: if Judd Mueller does not buy America a new phone within 24 hours he will be shot from long range by a missile. How's that for insurance?

A Solid Proposal

2006-06-24T18:44:00.000-05:00

Because Monkeys are our future.

NOT WITHOUT MY FISH TACO!!!

2006-06-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

i'm beginning to suspect that college might have been just a diabolical advertising campaign concocted by the makers of KEYSTONE LIGHT.

also i think it's important to spend the fleeting days of youth establishing the basis for an insanity plea.

(they can hear us whispering!)

Terror From Above

2006-06-08T16:47:00.000-05:00

Let the Eagle Soar.

Robo-Robertson

2006-06-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

...and he can leg press 2,000lbs!

Geography Corner: Denmark

2006-05-30T20:13:00.000-05:00

Denmark:

Denmark was created in 1993, by Jenna Anderson, for her third grade science fair project. Jenna created Denmark by building a Play-Doh and aluminum can base, microwaving it for twenty minutes, and then yelling at it in German for an hour. Within three days single cell life began, and then continued to develop at an unprecedented rate. Despite it being the only project of its kind and now containing a new species of reptile (The Jennasaurus) Denmark took home the red ribbon. Taking home the blue ribbon was Mark Patson and his fabricated two week observational analysis of his pet monkey—clearly done by his parents.

After the science fair, Jenna placed Denmark in her family's garage next to her dad's weight set. In March of that year, a bear broke into Jenna's garage tried to eat Denmark. Denmark's ability to adapt, as well as their innate knowledge of all things wild, allowed Denmark to outsmart and evade the bear. Instead, the bear ate mold off an old broken toilet Jenna's family had replaced. The bear did this because bears are stupid, and exercise almost no discretion as to what they eat. However, this first triumph for Denmark was bittersweet.

In July of that year, Jenna's father, Andy, sent Denmark to Germany. Andy was attemtping to make a donation to a nonexistent Holocaust Museum. He had just seen a show on the History channel about the Holocaust and was shocked to learn that it was in fact probably true. With international shipping rates at an all time low, he also used the opportunity to do some "early" spring cleaning and insulated his donation with garage clutter. Andy's favorite proverb regards "killing two birds with one stone." Andy also prides himself on doing spring cleaning in the summer of the year previous to the oncoming spring. Andy is an "early bird".

As one might expect, Denmark was not received well in Germany. Many Germans remarked that Denmark was not sexually deviant enough for Germany, while other suspected Denmark was in fact art work crafted by a young Jewish girl during the holocaust. Fearing another Anne Frank (a constant PR nightmare for the Deutschland), Germany hired a rag tag team of ex-KGB agents to dispose of Denmark quietly.On route to the disposal site the KGB agents became enamored with Denmark. They loved Denmark's risqué humor. They loved the way Denmark listened. They loved the way Denmark felt late at night when the crisp breeze blew in from the North Sea. They loved Denmark's beer, and they loved the way Denmark played soccer. Denmark made the ex-KGB agents feel safe. Prisoner's of their own prisoner, The KGB agents decided to unprisonate their captor/ prisoner. Late, on August 8^th 1994, Denmark was liberated.Nestled along Germany's northern coast newly liberated Denmark continued to grow. Within the year the public became increasingly aware of Denmark's existence and the UN was forced to deal with the enigma that was Denmark. After numerous strategy sessions and hour of delegates devising jokes about UN Secratary Butros Butros Ghali, the UN opted to take the position that Denmark had always existed. To further perpetuate their policy, they took several little known artistic gems and retrofitted them to include Denmark. Hamlet; Prince of the West Texas Roller Derby became Hamlet: Prince of Denmark. The play was then attributed to Shakespeare because you can attribute anything to Shakespeare and no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever doubt you.

They told people NFL Kicker Morton Anderson is from Denmark In reality, Morton Anderson is a robot. The UN rewrote the foreword to every Hans Christian Anderson collection--noting what a "Great Dane" he was, and how the scenic Danish coastline inspired him. They gave credit to Denmark for inventing an obscure and mildly delicious type of pastry, and some of the kinkiest pornography. They developed LEGO in Denmark, and then built houses, cities, castles, and futuristic space stations out of Lego all over the country. Secretly, Denmark is the real LEGO LAND.

In conclusion: if Denmark a fictional country built out of LEGO is not safe from the terrors of this world, if we are not free to sit in a bar in Copenhagen with a mildly pricey lady of the night, a delicious Carlsberg smoking hash cigarettes making jokes about minorities then what is freedom. You can't just give a kid LEGO LAND and then take it away and tell him it’s not safe, can you?

Investing all my money in the Kronar

dr. koala dick

ps. I didn't make one joke about having a Great Dane in my pants--even though I do (literally).

Solving America

2006-05-28T19:10:00.000-05:00

zombies think comprehensive healthcare is bunk.

5 alive

2006-05-05T23:37:00.000-05:00

Dear America,
Why can't we "Cinco de" every month?

Best Regards,
dr. koala dick

To Fuck With Tom Krog

2006-04-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

war of the dance

2006-04-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

I think we both know it's time we stop pussy-footing around the situation and start pussy-footing right into it. I am tired of the "War on Terror" and I think you are too. I'm ready for the "War on Terriers"-- which I bet Fox News already has a graphic ready for. Regardless, it’s time for the current war to end, and the next war to begin. Thus, I invoke that we Americans, in this time of crisis, for the good of mankind, the History Channel and the Holy Starbucks on the corner/Internet Pornstar down the street, utilize the most potent weapon in our arsenal: Dance Crazes.

Just now, you probably suspected I was going to say something about the A-bomb? If by "A-bomb" you meant awesome dances, then you were right. If not, you are probably not a pretty cool dude. Academically speaking, I would have mentioned the atomic bomb (I'm not afraid of it, I love the bomb)--if that had been what defeated the Japanese. But the Japanese barely flinched at the bomb. The Japanese didn't care about the Atomics. What got the Japanese off their seats and into surrender position was the irresistible urge to get down to "Funky Town" faster than a kamikaze. If you don't believe me, look at them right now. Look at their dance dance revolutions. Look at their karaoke bars. Look at their god fearing erotic anime coca cola jeans wearing Chevrolet funk McFunk. You know what’s not lost in Translation? A little Bump n’Grind (ain’t nothing wrong with that).

The Japanese weren’t’ the only ones who caved to the primal groove. "The Charleston" in its early developmental stages tore the German army out of the trenches and had them hamming it up in Hamburg in World War I. "The Twist" brought bacchanalia and rapid desertions to North Korean Army.Disco shook Saigon so hard they had to evacuate it in helicopters. "Dancin' In The Dark" steamrolled its way through the Berlin wall, bringing Liberty, VH1, and the possibility of a steroid free lifestyle to all of East Germany.

During the late 1970's facing a extinction level robot invasion by it own super secret robot army, the CIA recruited Michael Jackson to create a dance that could be used as a weapon. In order to swiftly and secretly annihilate the ranks of robots, he astutely invented the “The Robot”. Through his sharp pops and mechanical footwork he showed robots that humans are better at being robots than robots will ever be. Dismayed, the Robot army promptly surrendered and unconditionally subjected themselves as slaves to the Japanese.

So what is the next step? I'm glad I asked for you. First, we need to coax minorities into creating a particularly addictive and crappy body motion. All the great dance crazes start with minorities. “The Charleston” with young people, “The Robot” with sort of a Black dude, “The Macerana” with Latinos, and the “Electric Slide” with cousin fuckers (interesting side note here, the electric slide helped create the internet, so I guess in a way Al Gore actually did create the internet). Then we take this dance craze straight from the street, throw it to the same guy that writes all of Kelly Clarkson's songs or whatever. The we give it a cool catchy name like “The Fatawa”, pump this thing on MTV non stop and sit back and enjoy some sacramental wine coolers. Within weeks, the militant Arab world will be throwing up high fives and legs grabs instead of i.e.d’s and praise Allah’s. Then we can get on to shooting those damn terriers.

head to head,

dr.koala dick--representin' mesopotamia

Ice Age: The Campaign

2006-04-11T16:50:00.000-05:00

Archaeologists recently found this relic during a dig in Slovakia. Carbon Dating indicates that it is approximately 150,000 years old. As always Koala Dick strives to bring you the latest in Archaeological news and once again, Mission Accomplished.

Gitmo Confessions: The Easter Bunny

2006-04-08T20:45:00.000-05:00

1. "the easter bunny sleigh runs on abortions."
2. "if your rectum doesn't hurt, it's not easter!"
3. "the cia invented carrots in the 80's to keep rabbits poor."
4. "i spend 75 days out of the year impregnating the president's day chicken to get all those eggs."
5. "those aren't jelly beans, rabbit shit just tastes that good."
6. "you can't give up meth for lent. i've tried."
7. "the only reason they crucified jesus was that nobody had the balls to crucify a giant talking rabbit."
8. "by 1975, i was so tired of regular sex that i decided to fuck bugs bunny. he dressed up like a lady; i give it an 8."
9. "have you ever eaten a chocolate egg filled with rabbit semen wrapped in aluminum foil with 'cadbury' printed on it?"

Push This Button Or The Cripples Have Won

2006-04-06T15:15:00.000-05:00

Ever walked by one of these buttons and wondered, 'Why is it that I work hard all day to put food on my family's table, using words like "workforce" and "payroll" and "jobsite," watching "This Old House" and knowing what the fuck Kevin O'Connor is talking about, driving home in my American car and listening to classic rock radio before I honestly, hard-workingly open my screen door made of honest, American aluminum, take off my CAT boots and blow the suds off a few honest, hard-earned Bacardi Silvers, and yet handicapped people don't even have to open doors for themselves? Why do they get to push that button while I have to use my callused God-fearing hands like a fucking caveman?" I think we all have. That's why Dr. Koaladick is letting the world know that these buttons aren't just for handicapped people anymore. SAY GOODBYE to that moment of guilty deliberation and START pushing that button for yourself. Handicapped people are handicapped: it's a fact. According to science there is very little we can do about that. So why can't everyone else benefit from their misfortune? (It's called 'the needs of the many'--look into it you PC-crazed left-wing nutholes.) Maybe this is how our society's disabled can finally give something back.
Wake up people: there is no reason to manually open doors when we have buttons to do that for us. We are living in the future and it's time to accept it. Push that button, or the cripples have won.

Dr. Koala Dick's Geography Corner

2006-03-14T21:53:00.000-06:00

FRANCE:
France was founded by group of Canadian explorers in 1858. In 1856 the Canadian Government created the expeditionary group to scout an area of land in the Old World where they could send the "Sovereign Nation of ye olde Crazy Redmen". The group set out in early 1857, but three months into the journey decided it best to attend the first annual MTV spring break in Daytona Beach Florida. The Tangential journey delayed the group seven months but the members of the expeditionary reached a general consensus that "No Doubt" rocked.

France's inviting and majestic Norman coast, the explorers lived like crazed vagabonds commonly engaging in cannibalism, bestiality and the grotesque card game UNO. This continued for nearly a year as the explorers wandered westward. However, on the fourteenth of July, the eight remaining members of the Canadian expeditionary stumbled upon a cabin along the banks of what is now the Seine river. This cabin turned out to be no ordinary Cabin and in fact was an infrequently attended reasonably priced gypsy whorehouse. Finding this a most excellent place to lounge about and be sassy the explorers set up permanent residences alongside the Cabin and thus began settlement of the city of Paris.

Looking at Modern day France it is hard to believe it is the same place settled by eight lazy horny Canadians. Today the borders of France stretch like a veteran whore to contain over 540,000 square kilometers (which is about twenty miles). Inside those borders France is populated by over 60 million people who all speak a language that requires a tone one would only use with small dogs and infants. The population enjoys a delicate cuisine as the average Frenchmen often dines on elegant French cheeses, really long crunchy bread, and his own hollow and meaningless threats--which all taste delicious when washed down by a daily glass of exquisite French wine.

It's also no secret that France's favorite pastime is rioting. This hearty tradition started in 1904, when common Frenchers became upset with the Canadian Monarchy instilled as their government. As protest the Frenchers played several rousing games of tennis before rounding up all the douche bags they could find and cutting their heads off. The very first of these fun games of cat and mouse and pitchfork and reign of terror lasted a record 10 years; a record contemporary Frenchmen have been trying to break ever since.

In 1939, France invaded Poland under the command of Charles De Gaulle and Napoleon Dynamite. Germany attempted to continue its policy of "appeasement" towards the French; however, this tactic succeeded only in inhibiting the preparation of the lazy German army. In 1941, the lazy Germans were overcome and the French marched on Berlin led by Jerry Lewis and a monkey named Chuckles. While France's actions incited a world war their efforts were soon thwarted when they attempted a LAND WAR IN ASIA and found Russia cold and surprisingly absent of Mail Order Brides . On April 30, 1945, while being bombarded by allied planes Charles De Gaulle, his wife Evita Peron, Napoleon Dynamite, and Chuckles all committed suicide by taking cyanide caplets and then slipping on banana peels, knocking themselves unconscious. Those who witnessed the event remarked that it was quite hilarious.

More recently an influx of immigrants has been the force altering the social landscape of France. While the countryside continues to represent traditional France with its rampant bestiality and exploitation placing drunk tourist on bicycles, the urban environment is filled with a new social class determined to take French rioting to new heights. Furthermore, French politicians are attempting to aid this lofty goal by pissing off everyone they possibly can. The current administration have offered economic recessions, steadfast commitment to hidebound policies and a Pro-monkey agenda to incite rioters. So far their efforts have been heartily rewarded.

France also continues its dedication to the arts. France recently announced plans to allow David Blaine to perform his upcoming illusion underneath the Eiffel Tower. In this illusion, as a tribute to France's global contributions, Blaine, using two male assistants will make their genitals disappear while frozen in ice for Forty days. During these forty days he will only be fed emulsified Tabloid newspapers through a tube while his two assistants alternately will sassily declare attributes describing grapes, cheeses, and proper protocol for surrendering. France cannot wait.

Also, French girls are easy,

dr koala dick

God's hazy cosmic jive

2006-02-23T19:24:00.000-06:00

It's time to talk about the rapture:

Let me begin this discussion by explaining to those of you operating below OC III (Operating Christian) what the rapture really is. Essentially, according to certain texts interpreted in a certain manner by certain people (who all happen to have television shows that do not air at primetime nor on major networks) God is going to basically evacuate the world of all the good people (who all happen to have their own television shows and an uncanny ability to quote a vague equivocating sentence or two from the bible) before leaving the rest of us to be torn apart in the most bleeding vagina way possible. It's nothing space age like the beliefs of scientology, just good old fashion God kicking man's ass.

Now, if you listened to the people who are Rapture scholars, or Rapturetarians as I call them, or you regularly tuned in to their television shows, you would know that the Rapture is probably going to happen soon. I Hope you kept your Y2k stash stocked like I did. While these Bible geniuses cannot tell you the exact date (The Mayan calendar ends in 2012; hint hint) there are numerous passages indicating that the Earth is ripe for the rapture—most of which are based on the fact that a lot of other bad shit is going down. Be prepared. Soon, a portion of the world’s population is going to be divinely and majestically lifted from this earth—leaving the rest of the population to be tortured and ravaged by demons that probably look like Scott Baio or at least have the same eyebrows.

Many people fear the loss of their loved ones to the Rapture. I say good riddance; more beer and pussy for me. Others, potential Rapturees, worry about the grief caused to their dirty whore of a family member when they are Raptured away from the suck fest that is their pagan son’s life. The Daily Show did a piece on the Rapture a few years ago. Specifically, they did a piece on a service that allows prospective rapturees (PR’s) to write an email message that in the event of the rapture will be sent out to all the friends and family members they like, but have decided are ungodly. This seems like a very Christian act. Rapture emails remind me of that part in the bible (and Mel Gibson’s movie) where Jesus looks down from the cross at the innocent Romans and blatantly Jewish persecutors and says with his last words, “Have a nice life, fuckas!!! It's H-dubs for the J-dubs."

Regardless, this immensely popular service works by having a password mainframe that the PR must sign into every two weeks. If the PR does not sign into the mainframe every two weeks, the prepared email is sent out to the PR’s chosen mailing list. Note that PRs must get a rapture email sitter when leaving the country for missionary work lest they face a very awkward moment of shooting their rapture email load prematurely.

I signed up for an account myself. However, my selected email explains that I most likely have not been Raptured, which is probably due to a little bit of awesome experimentation I did in college and the fact that I don’t believe Jesus is the son of God (he seems more of a second cousin type to me). My email further extols that more likely I have been kidnapped by pissed off fundamental Christians and harmed in as many Jerry Fallwell approved ways as possible. I ask my friends to check the crawlspace under my house, the local dumpster and the East river for any clues of my whereabouts.

Now, I can imagine some of you are still skeptical about the Rapture. You doubt the Rapture’s magic. But let me tell you, I have seen it happen many a time. My car keys are Raptured practically daily. My glasses are also frequently Raptured. My girlfriend's birthday, important documents, childhood pets and sense of decency have all been Raptured. I must say, it’s pretty cool.

Now I will admit that at first this whole rapture thing was perplexing even to me. However, once you realize it’s happening, you get used to it. It's become a comfortable element of my everyday life. I used to yell at my mother, accusing her of moving all my drug paraphernalia and porn, but now I know it’s just God borrowing it for a god time and then keeping and holding onto it for me until I'm ready to use it for HIM, or whenever he's bored with it. By the way big man, I'm still looking for my old nintendo. When something's gone Raptured, rather than frantically panic, I just continue my day knowing God will return it from its state of Rapture when he God damn feels like it. Often times it seems like the only things God doesn't rapture from me are my virility and quick wit--coincidently these are the only two things I'll need come doomsday.

Raptureing your mind,
dr. koala dick

saturn bashing

2006-02-20T19:18:00.000-06:00

dear universe, when are you gonna get with the fucking program? it's about time every one of you sacked up or ovaried up or whatever-it-is-you've-goted up and embraced the doctor koala dick happy wholesome oligarchy solution. you may hold on to your kings and your presidents and their glorious verbal handjobs; kd desires not the spotlight. all around us there are wrenches fucking with the works, and yes, the future looks bleak. but doctor koala dick's unique perspective and unparalleled innate brilliance can drag us out of this cosmic mire and into the age of unlimited excellence.

this universe is in a shambles. i mean, just take a look at our own galaxy. have any of you seen saturn? i know!! saturn is a blight on the milky way, has contributed next to nothing to interstellar culture, and has traded more bj's for crack cocaine than anyone else in recorded history. how long are we gonna put up with this ringed derelict before somebody lays the hammer down?

and hey, what about colorado? i have had it up to here with you, colorado. you sit there with your ski resorts and your uberdank ounces of mary jane and think you're soooo cool. you guys act like you invented mountain dew and smoking pot but anybody with half an education knows that isaac newton discovered mountain dew while under the influence of some primo white widow and presented it to the public at the first x games in 1710. the universe was extreme before you got here, colorado. get over it.

doctor koala dick is sick of this place. do you know what it feels like to be living in the year 2006 without wakeboard lanes on all the highways? this is supposed to be the future! isaac newton discovered mountain dew like 300 years ago!

so why don't you all just close your eyes and let the doctor go to work? doctor koala dick will install wakeboard lanes in all major highways within three years, wipe colorado from the map, and stick it to saturn like nobody has before.

because we deserve better.

and because fuck saturn.
dkd

Abraham Lincoln: shafted on BJ's?

2006-02-13T21:10:00.000-06:00

Today, the thirteenth of February, we celebrate the birth of one of our nation's greatest leaders. In today's post-Pangea society, it is important to reflect on our current state and how we got here--a reflection not unlike the State of the Union address, but with more clapping--and to recognize those responsible for making life a little bit easier for all of us.
Lincoln was one of those guys. He basically won the Civil War for the Union, until '70s rock band Lynrd Skynrd won it back for the South and then died in a plane crash, a crash so epic that the South was no longer able to utilize its railroad infrastructure because the instruction manual for trains was encoded in Freebird and all the conductors were too sad to listen to it anymore, thus leaving the South without its prime advantage--an agrarian economy coupled with the inability to recognize fair criticism from Neil Young.

Lincoln freed the slaves. This was fucking huge. He also restrained himself from wording the emancipation proclamation: 'Dear South, read the declaration of independence--carefully this time--and pull your heads out of your asses. There will be plenty of time to work on your shitty truck after we take care of this.'
Lincoln also came through big time for Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan in the end of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, thus becoming the first U.S. president to tell San Dimas, CA to 'party on, dudes.' Lincoln's birthday reminds us of many things we take for granted, things this man gave us while asking little in return. A true public servant, seated firmly in the pantheon of American heroes, Lincoln can be a lesson to us all.

But his birthday raises a fairly obvious question: what's it like to celebrate one's birthday a mere day away from Valentine's Day? Did Mrs. Lincoln give him both a birthday blowjob and a Valentine's Day blowjob? Or, did Lincoln have it like kids with birthdays near Christmas, and have to get combination birthday-Valentine's Day blowjobs? Was Mrs. Lincoln even into bj's (and by into i mean willing to)? Did people even do that back then?

Now many people will tell you that Lincoln was gay. Just last week a history major friend of mine told me he'd read an epistolary correspondence between Lincoln and some other 1800s guy, and that some of the letters sounded pretty gay. For instance, Lincoln apparently wrote to this guy after he'd stayed with him, and mentioned something about how the dude's thighs felt when he and Lincoln were in bed. Now that sounds pretty gay. But, America, you have to understand: this was the 1800s. Back then EVERYONE was gay.

Think about it. Charles Darwin, Walt Whitman, Guglielmo Marconi: gay, gay, gay (especially Marconi). What's astonishing about all this is that Abraham Lincoln was NOT, in fact the first gay president: John Adams, who held the office from 1797 - 1801, and thus was president when the big gay 1800 new year's ball dropped, retains that distinction.

But my point is this: it doesn't matter that Lincoln was gay, because gay men need something special on Valentine's Day too. Back to the original topic at hand, my guess is that Lincoln got the two special acts only in years during which he had done something particularly great, like 1861-65. Before that, he was busy walking miles and miles to return dimes and losing the Lincoln-Douglas debates. He made a damn good showing, but that's not really worthy of double dome, now is it?

i think we all know the answer to that,
Dr. Koaladick

mail call

2006-01-13T19:34:00.000-06:00

"doctor koala dick, i have a two part question: why do you post so sporadically, and why is everything you write so good?"
-timmy, age 13
kuala lumpur, malaysia

timmy, my little friend, this is not a website for 13 year old boys. i'm gonna spare you a lot of trouble and just be up front with you right here from the get-go: there is little to no pornography on the dr. koala dick blog. what the hell are you doing here? there is exactly one reason to own a computer when you're 13 years old, and the smart money says it isn't video conferencing. what the fuck does a 13 year old need email for? welcome to the internet, there's naked girls everywhere! invest in broadband.

"dr koaladick, why is there war and inequity in the world?"
-amy sue, age 24
harbin, china

well, amy sue, war and inequity are actually fairly easy to understand. for instance, your home, harbin, lies in china's northeasternmost province, heilongjiang, a name that translates into english as 'black dragon river,' the chinese name for the amur river. did you catch that? translates into english. so, what, you're too good to just name your province in english in the first place? you know damn well we can't understand a word you're saying! you know damn well! so guess what? we're gonna declare war on you, amy sue. or, at least, we will as soon as we pop out several hundred million children and raise them in combat training camps organized by chuck norris and jet li. that's right, fucking jet li. ha! didn't see that one coming, did you jet li? modern warfare is really just about americans being pissed at everyone else for not talking american. we know that everyone in asia knows some kind of karate, but no one in asia has chuck norris. so take heed, china, and get ready for hundreds of millions of idiosyncratic roundhouse kicks to the face. also, as far as the whole seemingly inevitable war with islam thing goes, if muhammad had just spoken english he coulda been bigger than red lobster.

why is there inequity in the world? because fuck you, i want a golden toilet.

"dr koala dick, for some reason, sex just isn't that exciting for me anymore. i can't seem to maintain an erection or perform for my girlfriend. what's my problem?"
richie, age 33
novosibirsk, russia

among all the questions posed to the doctor, this is by far the most prevalent. it comes up again and again. however, the ultimate cure for the semblance of male impotence is, in 99.9% of cases, among the simplest to administer in all of the doctor's vast medical repertoire: gentlemen, please, for the last time, STOP WEARING CONDOMS. sexually transmitted diseases are nothing more than superstitious hogwash perpetuated by the liberal media in an attempt to keep you from having a sweet-ass time. also, though they've kept it a well guarded secret since god created us 6,010 years ago, women are physically incabable of becoming pregnant unless they pray three times to a my little pony doll. while my little ponies can easily be concealed somewhere among the nooks and crannies of your ho's room, if after a careful inspection you cannot find any, you can be relatively certain that this bitch ain't about to get all gravid. you sold your soul to the devil, richie. and the devil was latex.

never ever wear condoms
dkd

santa doesnt like you if you're poor

2005-12-15T15:15:00.000-06:00

it's true. conduct an exit poll on christmas morning. collect your data and take a good look and surely you will agree that santa doesn't like you if you're poor. if you're rich, santa brings you like a new car or stock options or something similarly badass. if you're poor, santa brings you maybe christmas dinner. isn't santa kind of an asshole? why would he do something like this? what could bring one of the jolliest, most worshipped dudes on the planet to mollycoddle the fat cats? the answer is simple: santa claus fucking DOESN'T EXIST!!

dkd

The Worst Surprise Party Ever

2005-12-12T00:37:00.000-06:00

Every year it happens. Jesus wakes up with a wicked hangover from his whatever night of the week it is party, and finds his celestial bedroom filled with the souls of roughly one and half millennia of jackfucks. When he starts to open his eyes, "SURPRISE!!!" roars from the chorus of nincompoops. At this hour--7am (Christians get up way too fucking early), this declaration of "surprise" is as nauseating as the mental image of Michael Bolton and Kenny G sixty-nining.

Jesus politely smiles at the crowd. He does this because he's Jesus, the Son of God, and the only being capable of keeping his composure in a situation this awkward. However, the smile never lasts long. Jesus is forced to pull the covers over his head. Safely hidden, Jesus thinks to himself, "Jesus, who the fuck are these people in my bedroom?" After a short period of time, the onlookers begin to pull the covers away from Jesus and shower him with crappy presents. Thus begins the shittest day in heaven for Jesus; December 25th.

You see the only thing worse than a surprise party (and they always suck), is a surprise party on the wrong day. It's bad enough on its own to be ambushed into quality time with your M R family and jerk off coworkers. On your birthday though, you can rationalize it as their misplaced generosity on the one day they can be total shits to you while you're completely handcuffed by a “day of your birth” stipulation. However, say these monkeyshits forgot your birthday, or didn't know it in the first place. Say they just picked a random Tuesday on the calendar (cause you were born on a Tuesday, they think) and all convened at your house unbeknownst to you. Say Tuesday is the day you wank off to macchio porn, Macchio Day if you will. And say you had a bad day at work and all you want to do is lube it up to Karate Kid II. Then bam.... "Surprise". Say they did this every year.

Well Guess what.... this is what "Christians" do to Jesus every year.

Surprise America, you fucking idiots. I'm cool with the whole season of giving thing. I love the holidays. Keep the holidays; the world needs charity, kids need sweet ass toys, and I need my girlfriend to have as many reasons a possible to have sex with me. It's good for the economy. It's probably even bad for the terrorists (I imagine it's more difficult to pull off an attack when all the good parking spots are taken). All I’m saying is leave your Jesus pretensions at home. He doesn't want a part of this. Recently there has been a move by some groups to put the "Christ" back in Christmas. From under the covers surrounded by dead assholes Jesus says, “Eff You”.

Every moron that has watched the history channel for more then ten minutes knows that Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas. That's why smart people like the Doctor call it "X-Mas". So how did this confusion begin,, you ask? Allow me to explain:

You see every year Europeans, such as the Celts, the Romans, the Germans, The Norse and the Finnnnnnnns, all had a parties around December.
What were they celebrating? Some celebrated the solstice. Others just celebrated because it was cold as balls and they wanted to get drunk (Jerkoffs in Boston, does this ring a bell?). At a certain point a bunch of prude ass Christians showed up to the party and asked some cool dudes what was going on. The cool dudes realized that Christians were a total buzz kill so they planned their answer carefully. The conversation which probably took place in Ireland or England or something might have gone like this:

EXT. Europe-Night
It’s cold but peeps be crunk and kicking it by the fire. There is music and bitches.

Fundamental Christian: what's this going on here
Cool Dude 1: what are you talking about christian guy?
FC: This party here?
Cool Dude 2: Oh that.
Cool Dude 1: Um, what's the geyser you guys really really fancy?
FC: our lord and savior jesus christ
CD 1: yeah, it’s his birthday or something.
FC: it is?
CD 2: totally.
FC: We shall call it Christmas
CD 1: whatever.

Now I hope this "Christ" in Christmas issue and the whole boycott situation is a ploy by religious groups just to see how much lame ass pull they actually have. I really hope they aren't serious. Leave Jesus alone, he’s a grown ass man. He's tired, and his head hurts.

Playing the part of Cool Dude #1,
Dr. Koala Dick

nostalgia is for pussies

2005-12-05T22:42:00.000-06:00

Oh my god you guys: do you remember the '80s? I remember them SO hard.

Remember metal lunchboxes? They were SO cool. Remember David Hasselhoff, and Michael Jackson when he was cool and wore that piano t-shirt? Oh my god, remember that piano t-shirt? I do. Remember Pacman? And Top Gun? Pacman and Top Gun were awesome. Remember "Afterschool Special?"

Remember Gorbachev? Remember that spot on his head? That spot on Gorbachev's head was SO '80s.

I want to fuck the '80s. Oh my god. I want the '80s to drip honey all over me and love me slow. I want to give the '80s a handjob and NEVER wash my hand. I want to smell like the 80's genitals for weeks.

Remember Atari?

Sometimes I have dreams about the '80s and I wake up and my pants are all wet. What's that about? Is there maybe a book on this that I can read and discover things about the '80s and my body and how I can please the '80s in the way it wants me to? I'm only 15, but I swear to God I remember this stuff.

Remember slap bracelets, and G.I. Joe, and Fraggle Rock?

Remember Cagney and Lacey?

No, you don't asshole. No one under the age of 25 does: you're not fooling anyone. How about this one: remember walking around the mall and being suffocated by clouds of Aquanet? Remember acid rain? That shit was caused by the big hair trend. Remember all that shitty music? Remember motherfucking Poison, for God's sake? Remember the threat of nuclear annihilation? (alright, that was okay. a healthy dose of existential dread actually brings out the best in us.) But remember poverty, and the President saying he didn't think there was a reason for anyone in America to be poor? Remember the war on drugs? Yeah, righteous. I SO want to be a kid again, UH! I want to masturbate to pictures of tube socks, members only jackets and the war on drugs. The war on drugs was SO '80s.

I'm not saying that Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Fraggle Rock and everything else I actually do remember from my childhood weren't entirely fucking sweet, but can we please stop pimping them out like Thai hookers? If you handed Voltron three dollars and said "hey, I remember you SO hard. I remember you harder than any of the other rising juniors at the University of Michigan. Will you go down on me?" he would fuck you up with his huge sword.

Please. At least have the decency to nostalgify the early 90's too. they had Sublime and Bill Clinton.

No Voltron BJ's,
Doctor Koaladick

Dr. Koala Dick: For Your Information

2005-11-29T19:02:00.000-06:00

*A new segement where the doctor lays down the science without even having to write sentences.

Things This Kid is Allergic to:
Peanuts, Cats, Bee Stings, Wheat, Gluton, Dragons, Caps Lock, Riding in the Back Seat, Doing Laundry, Driving, Going to Class Sober, Condoms, Having Sex With Ugly Girls, Voting, Shampoo, Going Down, Losing Socks, Being Polite, Homework, South America, Charity Work, Relationships, Farts, Reading, Rain, Getting His Ass Kicked, Being Told What to Do, Super Mario Bros. II , Star Trek, CBS, Not Having a Pet Monkey, Going to Parties, Flying Stand-By, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, The News, French People, Carrot Cake, Picking Up his Cell Phone, Speaking Spanish, Valentines Day, Masturbating with His left Hand, Taxes, Medicaid, Sloppy Seconds, Crappy Cars, Punctuation, Calvin Coolidge, Bird Flu, Being Poor, Candyland, Fingerblasting Softly, Texas, Radio, Talking to Girls, Girl Talk, Independent Films, Winter, Cybering With Grils Older Than Fifteen, Chapstick, Wankers, Watching Animal Planet, Leather Pants, Being Convincted By a Jury, Military Service, Your Mother's Minge, Being Picked Last, Jizz, Waking Up Before Noon, Hasselhoff, Warming the Bench, Sasquatch.

menstruation station

2005-11-18T14:56:00.000-06:00

dear science,
can we please come up with a new word for this? vaginal bleeding is already gross enough without that 'trua' sound being involved. the last time i heard someone say this word i vomited all over a fucking bus. people thought that was gross, but i pointed at the person on the bus who said it and told them 'YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WHOLE BUS GETTING PUKED ON. GET OFF! WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE WITH YOUR DIRTY VAGINA TALK. PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE MORE PEOPLE ARE SOAKED IN VOMIT.'
most of the other people on the bus did not agree with me and found my shouting to be inappropriate. fuck them. that word is sick and should be publicly banned. did you know there's an island somewhere on which cursing is illegal? it's because it's all owned by this one guy who makes the rules. i think i saw that on pbs one time. it's probably true.
i think that if thomas jefferson were around today, he would agree with me that the word 'menstruation' severely impinges on my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. how can i be happy when i'm forced to think about that shit? i can't. jefferson, being a supporter of an agrarian economy, would also probably support a return to the golden age of forcing women to spend five days a month alone in a hut. also, the women should have to build the huts because this is in no way my problem.
in my expert medical opinion, that shit is gross.

this is simply unacceptable,
dr. koaladick

an open letter to richael mobbins

2005-10-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

you just shut the hell up. seriously. that's what you do. the next time you're faced with an opportunity to talk some bullshit about whatever the hell it is you're ever talking about, you just shut the hell up. know what? you know what? i don't care if you wear a kilt. Mel Gibson, aka THE BRAVEHEART, told me that everybody in Scotland thinks you're a piece of shit. everybody! even the president of Scotland heard about that night at the Glasgow Zoo with the chimpanzee, and he text messaged, like, everybody.

China hates you. there are over one thousand three hundred million people in China. do you have any idea what it takes to get 1.3 billion people to agree on anything? well, apparently all it takes is two little words long: your bullshit.

Mel Gibson, aka THE BRAVEHEART, creator of The Passion of The Christ, let me in on a little secret. You see, apparently it was your fault that our lord and savior died, robbins, and not the fault of those pernicious jews as Mel had kind of led us to believe. jesus wasn't even really crucified. did you know that? jesus heard about the thing with the chimpanzee and he gave up on humanity and put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. are you beginning to understand the consequences of your bullshit? because of you, maybe the greatest black man ever to be painted white and appropriated by assholes killed himself, and the guys in charge had to come up with this whole cruciFICTION just so more people wouldn't find out about the night with the chimp and go kill themselves. that means you're also pretty much responsible for the crusades.

seriously, richael. chimp fucking is one thing, but getting fucked BY the chimp? and liking it? and videotaping it? and sending out copies of the tape as christmas cards when the act portrayed on said christmas card tapes DIRECTLY CAUSED THE DEATH OF CHRIST?

you just shut the hell up. that's what you do.

let me tell you how to beget

2005-10-01T18:06:00.000-05:00

"Wouldn't it be great if they made, like a "Sesame Street", but for kids?"
-Ali G

Stop me if I get too vulgar…

I'm all for children's programming. As a youngster, I went to see Sesame Street on Ice. I found it to be a fun and educational time. I learned a lot about the letter G (as in Goat), the number 12, how to ice skate with a cape on (thanks Count), and I also learned that when you throw up cotton candy it kind of glows in the dark. All learning aside, I'm older now, and while i value the lessons educational programming has taught me, i have some issues and reservations with the blumpkin Bolsheviks down at PBS.

I know what you're thinking, here we go again. I agree with you. I think it would be sad to have a Blog totally designed for the purpose of reaming people. However, Dr. Koala Dick is clearly not that kind of institution. Koala Dick, from time to time, merely stumbles upon questions essential to threadwork of our goddamn society, and asks them in a very loud, public and anonymous manner. Sure, there is the occasional reaming, but I refer any complaints to the words uttered by the great Julius Caesar, "Fuck the Fuckheads".

So, why the fuck are Clifford the Big Red Dog, AND Big Bird so huge? And how this gone unquestioned for so long? What kind of sick bastard seeks to confuse impressionable children into believing that seven foot tall yellow birds and tsunami sized dogs actually exists? Was Sesame Street just down the ye olde road from Chernobyl? And if these freakish creatures did indeed exists, do you really believe they would be nice? I think we can all deduce from simple laws of nature and instinct that such dynamo creatures like the ones we are discussing would own independent Kingdoms. These Kingdoms would each resemble a primitive feudalistic society that is barely worth describing because it would be insult to the jack holes that find "Mad Max Three: Beyond ThunderDome" an acceptable film.

Brief “Kodak Moments” might include: Big Bird flying around the steel cage, Big Bird ripping out the hearts of challengers with his ginormous beak, and Big Bird retiring to his bed to gently sex up Tina Turner while screaming about getting his laundry done. Also,

Clifford would probably invade Manhattan like fucking Hannibal, take huge craps in central park, and run some kind of posse/ dog gang from his Trump Tower Penthouse (if the fuckcastle still existed). Whether or not this happens before the Nuclear Holocaust, I do not know. But again, to expose children to these treacherous possibilities is simply wrong.

The only thing more perplexing than the Big Bird/Clifford complex is how the fuck Sesame Street is habitat to both a Huge Yellow Bird (which clearly identifies him a tropical species) and a Wolly Mammoth. According to most scientific analysis the species Mammuthus primigenius became extinct roughly 30,000 years ago. While I wondering how Sesame Street obtained the Mammoth Monopoly owning the last member of its species, my sister reminded me that Snuffleupagus does indeed have a wife and a child.

The Snuffleupagus Family, if that is even their real name, must have the most interesting and twisted family tree this side of Arkansas/West Virgina/Mississippi/Alabama/any other retarded state, line. In case you missed it, I implied there was incest involved, good old fashioned Incest. I hear the babes always fall for the "survival of our species" contingency--its probably something about their natural mothering intuition. Somewhere down the line a Snuffleupagus ancestor was probably forced to breed outside its species. This might be the only time in my life I say, “We can only hope it was with an Elephant”.

Either way, this revelation explained a lot. Sesame Street is not about educating our children, but instead it aims to instill survival skills into a mentally retarded, lonely Woolly Mammoth.

The real tragedy is that for this Mammoth to continue his species, Big Snuffleupagus would have to first endure a reverse Henry VIII scenario; banging away in hopes for a female counterpart. Then comes the truly disgusting part where Snuffleupagus junior is forced to repeatedly jam his sister like goddman Noah of the Ark. Frankly the whole Mammoth Repopulation Endgame as is disgust me. The fact they would even include the possibility of such a scenario in what we accept as a children's shows is evidence of the variety of bell ends employed at PBS. You don't believe me? watch the funding telethon, its priceless the crap they try and pawn off on you. If there's any real lesson to be taken from the aforementioned Mammoth predicament, i think we can all look at Snuffleupagus Jr. as a perfect case for continuing cloning research.

what the eff is Elmo?

dr koala dick

ED NOTE: Upon further research, Dr, Koala Dick discovered that Aloysius Snuffleupagus, who I referred to as “Snuffleupagus Jr.” does indeed have a sister, Alice Snuffleupagus

boxing's been good to me

2005-09-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

Does anybody know what the deal is with Ronald McDonald? Did he go to a certified clown college or was he home schooled? My guess was he was home schooled. I can't imagine a clown institution set on being as zany as Ronald, and yet being so corporate. I bet clowns at small liberal art clown colleges label Ronald a "sell out" while simultaneously hitting the nitrous, and dying their hair normal colors like hardcore clowns.

Anyways, I don't work at a McDonald’s, not that there's anything wrong with it, but thank god. I'm just saying in the event I am ever given unrestricted access to a Soft Serve machine this country will look a lot different; lactose non-tolerants will be pissed.

Soft Serve pipe dreams aside, I instead spend my time working at art gallery. We own and sell paintings crafted by some of the greatest masters of the 20th century. Some of them are worth over a million dollars, I, however, make boxes. When I signed on to be an assistant curator I assumed for the most part I would be hanging things, painting walls and using a sweet ass electric drill Johnny Wayne style. Unfortunately, I was unaware of the ubiquitous equation of the art world, Art + Dude with College Degree = Doing something with boxes.

It's not that i dislike my job entirely, or that I find box making to be an incredibly tedious activity (I find ways to make it fun). It's just well...only in the art world would they pay an educated man ten dollars an hour to craft boxes—especially when children in third world countries do it for pennies on the dollar. Plus, I mean, I read Pynchon—and understand parts of it, and they expect me to contently make boxes.

The whole thing is bizarre. One would think and institution such as an art gallery, which ships many things of varying size would have a organized fleet of boxes. Perhaps that same institution might also have a box supplier, from which to buy new and specialized boxes. Instead, we have three piles of assorted cardboard and Styrofoam all unclaimed relics for previous pieces, arranged much in the same manner as the background junkyards in those “Save the Children of Africa for Fifty Cents a Day” commercials. It’s embarrassing and intriguing at the same time.

As all good things commence, the whole process generally starts with my boss humming. I've learned this specifically means he's thinking about the relationship of one object to another. More often not, this state of mind is derived from the fact that after we receive a piece, the box it came in always seems to disappear. I suspect this is because we use that box to send off something else we lost the box too, perpetuating a terrible cycle that now dominates my life.

The only reasonable explanation I can conceive of is that the previous box is pinched by Box Gnomes, reputed for their ability to make comfortable and affordable housing out of cardboard. This free source of cardboard would explain the affordability. However, I have played out the Box Gnome scenario numerous times in my head, and thwarting our security system would require a tactical strategy seemingly too complex for any variety of Gnome.

Either way, before actual box making begins my boss and I usually trudge around our three packaging archives (which are essentially the previously mentioned piles of old Styrofoam and cardboard) for about a half hour. We cavil about politics and music while we pick up random scraps of refuse briefly pretending to recognize them as the lost box. We both know this quest is, for the most part, futile. As we begin to hit a lull in the conversation, my boss will usually sit down and eye or perhaps paw a box, or apparatus obviously larger and disparately shaped than the piece we intend to ship. He then suggests that I rig a box for our selected piece of this material. I of course agree, because who complains when they are being paid ten dollars an hour to dick around with cardboard, Styrofoam peanuts, tape, a utility knife, and a painting worth more than their life.

The first real step to box making is perhaps the most important. After my boss leaves the room, and before i cut or touch anything, i grab a beverage or my choice for the gallery's stock of refreshments for shows and place it in the fridge--this will be important later.

Then I return to the work table spend a few moments just staring at the piece. What I'm doing here is interpreting the piece and attempting to conceive what style of box this piece would most enjoy--where the tape should go, the thickness of the cardboard, and how many times I'm should fuck up and cut something vital attachment off.

The crafting then begins. I use no sort of measuring tool, so that means I “eyeball” pretty much the entire thing. Since I usually get things wrong. This equates to a box where the sides are almost assuredly always uneven. I have learned though, that doesn't mean anything. Also, I can pretty much guarantee that parts of the box will be bent, in places they shouldn't be bent, and in a manner they shouldn't be bent. This is also irrelevant. In many ways my box is much like the wang of and scarcely worked male porn star-- Dirk Diggler, the middle years. The said porn star keeps waiting, practicing and wtahcing film for his big day--his big return, and in doing so contorts and twists his man piece into curves and shapes neither known too nor desired by nature. However, while he is stuck his new mangled form; my box has the benefit of tape.

When the cardboard is all cut and set i use this crappy, clearly German, tape dispenser to compress my creation into shape. Since the dispenser is total rubbish, i usually mysteriously cut myself on the knife--that is unable to cut tape, and often apply way more tape than is considered acceptable. The end result often draws skepticism from my boss regarding the structural stability of the box. More often than not, I agree with his misgivings are agree to make the proper modifications. These modifications simply require adding more tape, and in lots of places. After i do this i grab the aforementioned beverage from the refrigerator and chill out for ten minutes, sipping it and staring into space.

Then it’s time to call Fed Ex. From calling Fed Ex numerous times not only have i learned that their hotline is one misdialed number form a phone sex number, but i believe i have also developed a good repoire with the Fed Ex automated answering woman. She really listens to me. Many times it's like she knows what I'm am going to say before I even say it.

After I schedule a pick up for the package i have to label the package with instructions--such as which end is top, and indicate the package as fragile. This is the money shot of boxing. While it seems mundane and simple, no matter what age you are, it’s difficult to not to describe an excuse to sniff markers as remarkably exciting. While many marker connoisseurs would say all permanent markers sniff the same, I personally have taking a liking to RED (readers and gift givers make note, Christmas is coming rapidly).

Also, I forgot to mention that i get to weigh the package. This would be a step of little significance if we had a sensible scale. Unfortunately our scale has a base of about 9 square inches, and many of the packages we send weigh over 50 lbs or where the scale maxes out. So weighing translates into balancing and approximating.

After about an hour Fed Ex usually arrives. By Fed Ex, I mean a small troll lady who always shows up at the wrong door. When she finds out she's at the wrong door, she explodes into a list of excuses. After I tell her it's alright, we'll just have to walk an extra forty feet, and that it’s really no problem she momentarily calms down. This subdued state continues until she's the package or packages, the it becomes the equivalent of the worst Christmas ever. When she sees that perhaps some of the boxes tower over her, it’s like the fucking holocaust just started and she trying to figure out how to get out of Poland. So, again, I become the pacifier and end up carrying fucking 120lbs of packages to the truck, like i fucking work for them, where she waits for me and pretends to do something important.

Granted, this is all I do all day. In true "Office Space" fashion I probably do roughly and hour of good hard concentrated work for every five hours they pay me. The rest of the time is spent scanning the internet, staring at the art pretending to think complex thoughts, and playing with my swivel chair. Regardless, I have college degree. Boxing, while entertaining is below me. I should be something that requires a little more intellect and strategy, like porn.

I learned to box like Lincoln talked,

dr koala dick

ps. you use your semicolons your way, and I'll use mine my way.

range of fire

2005-09-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

so i work at this driving range. to make matters worse, i commute there. it's an hour and change away from my apartment, and there's no public transportation that goes to driving ranges, so i have to drive the whole way. also, i get paid $7.50/hr. why do i do this, you ask: for the motherfucking memories.

like this one: a kid comes in and asks how much for a soda. we sell them for $2.50, which is by no means a popular move, and i think may actually be a policy specifically designed to make my life even more miserable than it already is. so i tell the kid how much, and he says 'i'll give you two dollars.' i suppress my urge to say 'what is this a goddamn barter economy? are we in fucking istanbul?' and instead tell him 'sorry,' at which point he shoots me the ambiguous one-liner, 'you're a good businessman.' as he leaves, the person i'm ringing up says, 'do you know that guy?' i say 'no, i think he was just a douche.'

or this one: a dude in a spandex-tight blue shirt named sergio comes in with his girlfriend and wants to use a driver. we have a selection of sweet drivers for people to demo, and we charge $5 for it. again, this is a policy that i have to explain to, and in turn be frowned at by, total nutsacks all the time. while i'm ringing someone else up, sergio tries in vain to pull a club out of a car where it's locked and says 'you charge for the drivers? how can you call yourself a driving range? i mean, doesn't that defeat the whole purpose?' i pretend not to hear him, but he keeps looking at me, so i say 'no, i mean, you can use other clubs,' and again point to the irons we let people use for free. instead of letting it go, he says once more 'i just don't see how you can call yourself a driving range, i mean, to pay, for the drivers?' at this poing i'm thinking 'go away sergio. just go away.' instead i say 'back when i named the place i didn't really think about that.' he decides he wants to rent one so i go over to where he's standing, hand still on the clubhead, and unlock one for him. as i'm doing it, he says to his girlfriend, 'i like montreal so much better, they let you use the clubs for free there.' if only sergio had been in montreal that day.

or this one: a guy comes in and says 'where's the offtrack betting place?'
i say, 'i have no idea.'
'you know, you get off the highway, there's a sign, "OTB" and then...'
i have never seen this sign before in my life. i tell him that.
he says 'i gotta place some bets' and leaves.

or this one: a french woman calls me on the phone asking for directions. not only is she overtly french, putting an unnecessary 'uh' on the end of all her words (case in point: 'can you tell mee-uh how to get to the golf-uh range-uh?' to which i respond '...yeah'), she also has the common personality disorder of not listening to people when they talk. she tells me she's in the parking lot of the golf course adjacent to the range. i give her directions, which consist of three turns. i have to do this three times, because each time she tells me 'eet eesn't wuuurkeeng.' i realize, after the second session of directions-giving, that she is, in fact, at a different golf course, one with a vaguely similar name, but it takes a while to convince her of this. And stress vaguely: there are two words in the name of the course where i work and only one in the name of the one where she is confusedly making donuts, or perhaps croissants, in the parking lot, talking on her cell phone.
she eventually arrives, and proceeds to clusterfuck the whole operation by making me listen to her half-french, half-english, i-just-got-off-the-boat-from-the-goddamn-riviera dialect while there's a huge line of people just trying to hit some golf balls like decent god-fearing, god-loathing and god-ambivalent americans, scratching their heads and their nutsacks while they check out this once-hot middle-aged french woman's ass (she's wearing tights). oh yeah, and she doesn't pay any attention at all when i answer her qeustions, so she repeats the same ones with the same extra 'uh's, all for an unnecessary amount of time. she is trying to sign up her french kids for golf lessons. i'm thinking 'yeah, good idea french lady, this is going to turn out great. your kids don't speak english, and they are going to SUCK.'
she gets them signed up just in time, right before the lesson is about to start. the kids go outside, and she wants me to help her find a left-handed junior club for her son who is not only french but left-handed. it goes something like this:
'ummm, weeel you help meee find-uh the right club-uh?'
'yes, one second, let me ring these gentlemen up first, seeing as they are merely trying to purchase golf balls and all speak american.'
'okay-uh, because i can't find-uh...' she trails off while puttering around in the bin of loaner clubs.
i ring up one guy, and there's still about four in line when she asks me again for help.
'just one second, ma'am,' i say.
'the class is starting.' she throws her hands in the air and leaves in a huff.
when i go over to the rental clubs, the first one i see is a left-handed junior club, perfectly-sized for this tiny french kid. i take it out to her and she is utterly mystified by my observational acumen and club-finding ability. 'how-uh deed you know-uh? eet eesn't wreeten anywhere.'
i calmly explain to her that left-and right-handed clubs physically face different ways when you look at them.

or this one: a guy who comes in frequently, but, like the aforementioned hanger-on, never purchases anything, and who draws his victims into confusing conversations about people he once knew, dropping names as if they're supposed to mean something and assuming his victims know what in god's name he's talking about, and who always makes some odd comparison between whatever topic he's inflicted and the game of golf, then laughs hysterically to himself as he waves goodbye, tries to get me to sell insurance for his friend from his days in the army.

or this one: i see an old man outside while i'm walking up and down the range, picking up empty buckets. he is wearing an old man hat. he stops me to tell me how the place has gone totally to shit. he rattles off several names of people who used to work there, people i've never heard of in my life, and i give him sort of a blank but affable look throughout, and then say 'yeah, i don't know, i just started here recently.' he proceeds to tell me that, of the fifteen pros that used to work there, all have left since the 'new' management has come in, and concludes by contrasting my place of employment with a nearby golf course which is, according to him, '300% better than when the fuckin county used to run it). then he points to the range building and says 'i mean, i'm italian too, but those fuckin dagos don't know what they fuck they're doing,' to which i say, 'i see.' i then proceed to look around, and fail to notice any golf clubs near this guy. he isn't standing by one of the asto-turf mats, and i don't recall selling him a bucket of balls, so i say, when he lets me get a word in, 'so did you just come by to check the place out?' he doesn't seem to understand, says no, and starts telling me about some clubs he has at home. when i get the chance to speak again, i say, 'uh-huh. so did you come by just to see what's going on?' and he says 'no i don't know what the fuck's going on here.' to which i reply, 'you and me both.'
the next time i see him, he comes in asking if anyone has inquired about some lost clubs he found on the range, and says 'you know, i didn't want to give them to you guys, cause i don't know if you guys would sell them or what, you know, i don't need em, i got about a hundred clubs at home, but you know, i don't want to just leave em here.' i say, 'i don't think we'd sell them, i mean, people usuallly just put them in the lost and found, that way whoever lost them can find them.' predictably, he remains resistant to my logic. i finally say, 'that's what the lost and found is: people lose clubs, then they get found, and that's where they go.'

these anecdotes may have seemed foreigner-heavy, but let me assure you: it's not just the foreigners. i have a theory: people will act as stupid as you let them. unfortunately for me, i am paid to let them act however they damned well please, which is pretty fuckin stupid.

and it burns, burns, burns,
the range of fire

dr. koaladick

Pass the Lotion

2005-09-20T20:58:00.000-05:00

I don't watch award shows, but I'm not going to pretend like I didn't see ten minutes of this past week's Emmy awards. And sure, I'll concede that i like watching celebrities pretend how to read in front of a large group of people. I'll even concede that I think the "disastrous" and "accidental" nipple slips are funny and society find them strangely arousing (I'm on to you Nicholas Cage, three wardrobe malfunctions in a row is NOT a coincidence). I even like it when actors, actresses, and credentialed key grips across the board use the time we use to celebrate them, to make bold political statements (i.e.- "It's time to bring the boys home and send the Hurricanes to Iraq). However, i have to draw the line somewhere and say "hey, you there, stop the industry reach around, we live in a society".

But indeed, society we exist in, and our parents created, loves the reach around. Sharing; Friends selfless helping friends from behind them is what we’re all about. Kindergarten, (which sounds suspiciously German to me) lays this foundation of unconditional generosity for us at an early age as we share crayons, knowledge of dirty words, and pink eye with our peers. From age five or six this foundation continues winding itself through a Byzantine maze of complex emotions and gambling debts. What a fucking sweet Utopia.

The Emmy's captured the pinnacle moment of this self congratulatory society. The ten minutes of magic i captured involved the award for best performance by somebody not named David Letterman. This embodiment of real genius emrged when Hugh Jackman was awarded an Emmy for his performance hosting the Tony's. Upon recollection i decided that the discontinuation of production of Delorean's aside, this was perhaps the most heinously banal figurative sixty-nine ever perpetrated by mankind. Through the blinding rage (not that it particularly enraged me, i just like to think of reasons to give television the finger) I was forced to envision who-- or more specifically what type of person, Hugh Jackman had to suck off to pull out this one. I bet he wears contacts and loves his wife dearly.

Then, to perpetuate my exercise, I imagined all the people across the country and around the world watching the Emmy's who were relieved when Jackman won. These people empathized with Jackman, and his plight, his preparation, his sheer artistry. They must have experienced a moment of anticipation as the nominees were shown. They then paused, placed their heads firmly inside their incredibly large rectums and after brief contemplation, inferred that Jackman's performance was the most talented, and indeed award worthy of the group.

As the envelope was opened, they probably panicked, fretting whether or not their man would win, thrusting their head in a turtle-like fashion just a bit further up the colon than perhaps they had ever traveled before. However, it was only a precautionary measure. As the winner was announced they rejoiced, safely removed their heads, grabbed their cell phones and started calling everyone they know to celebrate as they spilled guacamole Doritos all over the floor. .

all the world's a stage
and I'm just a playa in a play,

dr. koala dick

a day in the life

2005-09-20T04:07:00.000-05:00

remember all those times you used to beat off to photos of ralph macchio in tiger beat magazines and your mom would knock on the door and you'd say you were reading and she'd say she had your laundry and you'd say just leave it outside but she'd already opened the door so you were rushing to hide your massive erection under the covers but didn't know how in the name of god you were going to explain the nipple clamps or the eyeshadow?

doctor koala dick remembers.

remember the first time you called a girl "macchio" while you were doin it?

doctor koala dick remembers.

remember feudalism? huh? remember that, japan? macchio was just as good at karate as you are, japan; he never resorted to stupid feudalism.

ralph macchio could see through wood.

Tag Team Back Again

2005-09-08T18:18:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of Californians acting pretentious because they "discovered" Green Day. I don't even like Green Day, but every lame ass party i go to some rolling stone intelligencia ass face tries to wax philosophical about the current "state of music" and through his rambles drops the bands name. Next thing you know, the prick next to him, who's been waiting for this chance all night, acts fucking VIP about the conversation and makes outrageous claims like that his ancestor listened to fucking "Dookie" while hunting Mastodons. Get a clue.

Quick solution: A) Quit lying; you were humming "Long View" to yourself in sixth grade with your lame ass skater haircut like the rest of us. B)Lose your high horse; you didn't effing cure Polio--you listened to a sub-average sell out punk band ten minutes before the rest of the country.

Also, while we're talking about music--most overrated song of all time: the Star Spangled Banner. What's the deal here, has anybody stopped to consider why we play it at every damn sporting event? As tribute? Yeah I really want to thank my country for inventing more leisure sports--otherwise what would nerds cyber about in between wanking it to tranny porn. Are were blindly participating in a tradition of brainwashing ourselves into patriotic robots by associating Pro-America nostalgia with alcoholism?

My first piece of evidence stems from the fact that ye olde "Banner" consummates the beginning of Hockey Games, which is a Sport our country neither invented nor really likes (I like Hockey but I was always kind of a weird kid anyways), and somewhere down the line this excessive pageantry expanded to include an excuse for Canadians to ram their crappy "Oh Canada" down my throat. Oh Canada, I don't give a fuck about you. PS thanks for Alanis and all the other times you musically skull fucked me during my youth. Needless to say, America's National anthem is out of place at Hockey events, it's like Manilow and Tesh showing up wasted at the Latin Grammy’s or the Vibe awards, it insults our intelligence.

Furthermore, recently at a baseball game, as the first few notes were pumped through the stadium PA, and some grossly under talented mongoloid children's choir began to discordantly butcher the lyrics, somewhere in this transaction the guy behind me reminded me to remove my badass cap. The gentleman, who'll we'll call Einstein for the sake of this piece (If you're reading this by the way, I forgot to compliment your shitstache champ, i know they're hard to grow at the right consistency) offered his sagely advice by nudging me on the shoulder, indicating his own hat in his hand, which was promptly followed by a "I'm smarter that you fancy boy" smile. Just because I'm wearing a polo shirt and you're wearing a T-shirt donning the stains of apparent "skid marks" scattered amongst it (which, sir, if they were indeed skid marks I would be thoroughly impressed to hear the story of how they reached your shirt) doesn't make you a class warrior.

Later, when Einstein spilled part of his beer on me and "forgot" to apologize I spent the greater part of the sixth inning contemplating whether or not I should drive to his house and t-bag his girlfriend. However when I realized his girlfriend probably was sitting on the couch watching "Friends" reruns and crying because her boyfriend doesn't spend enough time with her. I decided against taking action merely on the principle that I hate the show "Friends". To make a long story short, despite his life failings, in an effort of congeniality and human compassion I abided and removed my hat.

And what tribute that was, "hey America, and all the ghosts of people that died to protect our freedom, check out my goddman hat hair!! It looks great...I know...seriously...yeah and all I did was wear a hat..."

Meanwhile, Einstein couldn't even remember the words to the song.

Beside my own personal experiences with the SSB, one must also review the lyrics of the song. I'm not going to cavil and sit here and tell you that the verbiage of the song is "antiquated" or that it's not "user friendly". Frankly I enjoy the fact that jerk offs like the guy behind me can't remember the words. Also, I find comfort in the "oh says" of the lexicon of colonial America. Where I do take issue though is the fact that our anthem is not one of triumph or victory. Instead, Mr. Key chose to glorify the American's ability to take it in the ass and ask for more. Originally titled, The Defense of Fort M'henry (not even gay), the tale captures the shelling of an American fort during the war of 1812.

What cathartic message was Key able to adopt from this experience? It was a message that depicts Americans as enjoying a punch in the face, and then asking for another. When i was 7 my soccer team got beat like 9-0, it was embarrassing. Still, nobody quit. The whole team showed up for the next game too. But did anybody write a song about it? No. You know why? because we lost 9-0. It should also be noted that the SSB was adopted as an anthem first by President Woodrow Wilson, a proven kid toucher; and formally adopted as the anthem by congress during Hoover's presidency who we all know gave the best BJ's of every president besides Zachary Tyler. The song was first played at a baseball game by a band during the seventh-inning stretch. As many of you know, that is a time slot now occupied by "Take Me Out To the Ballgame," a fun children's song similar to "Ring around the Roses" minus the frighteningly morbid social commentary.

Thus being, I suggest its time we adopt a new national anthem. One whose position cannot be filled by something we might see Big Bird singing on Sesame Street. A song that is both timeless, yet strongly connected to a period of prosperity in our nation. A song received well by all, yet edgy; a song that the guy who sat behind me at the game and my parents probably won't understand.

To fulfill such criterion i can only think of one song. It hit me in the eighth inning of the aforementioned game. It celebrated a Pujols homer and inspired a jolt of energy in my blood: "Whoomp There It Is". Tag Team, my friends, in their early 90's masterpiece, crafted a song that echoes the drive of our fair nation, and more importantly a song that speaks for itself.

Because the Koran told me to,

doctor koala dick.

hat's off to a great value

2005-08-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

today dr. koaladick went to a friendly neighborhood gas station and, after locating an arizona tea product (arnold palmer half and half with splenda: it kicked so much ass), asked the attendant a usual question: what's the cheapest kind of cigarettes you have? unfortunately dr. koaladick lives in a city where cigarettes run $6 a pack and up. he is not happy about this.
dr. koaladick is a hopeless addict. despite what his girlfriend will tell you, he does not think this makes him cool, nor does he do it just to piss her off. some people just don't understand.
so, as the doctor assumed a pouty demeanor and began sifting through the various medical licenses from rio, monte carlo, paris, singapore, and st. paul, minnesota that crowd his wallet (k.d. enjoys gambling, decriminalized drug laws, and the occasional snow-in with some chef boyardee lasagna and a quality pilsner) for a twenty-dollar bill, the dude behind the counter gave him an answer he'd never encountered: here, these, $1.99.
the doctor raised his visage, shocked, and marked the stack of green packs by the lighter display.
'what's this? $1.99?'
the attendant pointed.
the doctor picked one up. it said 'hat's off' and had a sketch of a dick tracy style hat. they were menthol 100's.
'i wonder why they're so cheap.' the doctor then noticed the words 'made in india' printed on the side. he also noticed the words 'twenty little cigars.'
he asked the attendant about this cigar business, and whether or not it was safe to inhale. the attendant told him they were cigarettes, not cigars. k.d. looked back to the box, coonfused. no point arguing with the man, he thought. the attendant said, again, 'cigarettes.' perhaps a shitty translator had been employed in the production of this pack of mystery smokes. etymologically, however, the prospect seemed sound.

. . .

the doctor's first puff sort of burned. 'jesus' he coughed, 'this stuff tastes like sandpaper. sandpaper and...and...eucalyptus?' dr. k's pupils grew wider, and by the time he had walked two blocks things were starting to get funny. everything moving a little slower than normal, and strangely disproportionate. the next thing he knew he was sitting in his living room with underpants on his head, shirtless and playing shinobe on ps2. for a second he thought there were bats.

. . .

dr. koaladick awoke the next day with a headache that felt like africa colliding with the arabian peninsula behind his forehead. he reached out his right hand and felt around for his medical bag, in dire need of really any of the pills it contained, but it wasn't there because he was on a sidewalk. the sidewalk next to wrigley field, to be exact. he could hear sounds that reminded him vaguely of words, rubbed his eyes and saw the fuzzy outline of some drunk bastard sloshing his beer around, carrying on about how the pirates suck. fucking idiot, thought dr. k, everybody knows the pirates suck...now where in god's name was that gas station?

the end

A moment of Introspection: vol. I

2005-08-03T19:16:00.000-05:00

Dr. Koala Dick asks:

Which Messiah are you?

Answer all questions as honestly as possible, results below.

My favorite food is:

a) Duck
b) Cake
c) Rice
d) I don't eat, I have a gambling problem.

Its been a long day at work, you get home and your flatmates want to party, you:

a) Take a quick shot of tequila and rally
b) Tell them to go on without you, open a bottle of wine and turn on Lifetime
c) Tell them you're not feeling well then while they're out call my fuck buddy again and do it in the Kitchen (because its the most social room).
d) Use the vibrator, but tell my friends I'll catch them next time.

My pick to win English Premiership this year is:

a) Whatever team has the prettiest jerseys.
b) Chelsea, you have to respect financial security.
c) Liverpool, they are the classic example of the conflict between of underachieving and overachieving.
d) I'm a total cock and know nothing about football, but I think David Beckham is dreamy.

If I HAD to bang one of the Golden girls it would definitely be:

a) Dorothy
b) Rose
c) Blanche
d) Sophia

If you were in the circus you would be the:

a) Fire eater
b) Ringleader
c) The blades of grass, outside the tent; serene, complex, motivated.
D) The Clown

Israel is not relinquishing land it promised to Palestine in peace agreements; as president of the United States you:

a) Send and independent committee to conduct new negotiations
b) Magically build another country out of trash and give it to the Palestinians. I would probably call it Crapakistan.
c) Watch whatever is on CBS, there's no way to solve this shit.
d) Continue to Kick ass

If you had only one wish, you would:

a) Turn back time and bring the pants I'm wearing back in style
b) Be a ballerina
c) Have a mind blowing electronic orgy with every 70's sitcom star I've ever secretly desired
d) Teach me to talk about my compulsive eating

If you answered:
mostly a's) you are Prometheus. You gave man fire and paid for it by having your organs eaten by birds for eternity. Enjoy your medicines, your snuff porn, and your lasers.

mostly b's) you are Jesus. You are the cake eater of Messiahs. The hair style you champion goes in and out of style harder than Rollerblading. Your followers will kill and persecute thousands of people over the course of history. Then, in a stunning move, pretend thse events are not relevant while simultaneously making shitty movies about the whole ordeal.

mostly c's) you are Buddha. This quiz means nothing to and you're probably stoned right now anyway.

mostly d's) You are the Ralph Macchio. Yes Ralph Macchio is a messiah. Everybody knows that aside from his eloquent performance as the Karate Kid and mastery of the swan kick Ralph Macchio also bakes a delicious cobbler and consoles troubled teens on a bi-weekly basis. Ralph Macchio also invented tan lines and aluminum.

hall of famer

2005-07-30T02:10:00.000-05:00

I don't know why people are so worried about an oil shortage. I only change my oil about once every four thousand miles. Gas is what they should be worried about. I use a lot of that.

I don't want to write about Lance Armstrong. But are we really nation of competitive zealot fuckers that we praise anything successful that we can put an American Flag next to? Are we that desperate? Don’t get me wrong, I have hated the French for a really long time. The hair pulling and crotch grabbing distress he has manifested within the French press is the coolest thing to occur in the francophone epicenter other than Napoleon doing a tiger woods fist pump (which he probably did) and Stereolab.

Seriously though, conquering cancer aside, can we admit his recent accomplishments are a bit rudimentary? I'm sure god gave him a "way to hit that bro" on the whole Sheryl crow episode. Sheryl is one of those rare cases where one might wank it to her photo spread only to later find his/her mother flipping through the same photo spread remarking, "i just love her". The situation is both horribly awkward and enticing…but about the cycling thing.

Bike riding is a task achieved by many of the nations 1st graders. I learned to ride when i was 10, but that was only because my previous house had sidewalk that was dangerously uneven at points--i think i was the only 5 year old to be knocked unconscious riding a big wheel. While i mastered this task much later than many of my peers once i learned it i kicked some fucking ass.

Lance also kicks fucking ass on the bike, but he's 33. If I spent from the time I was five until I was thirty three devoting myself to one elementary task i would be pretty good no matter how many testicles i had. His main competitor is an Italian (probably gay) and a German guy named Jan (obviously gay). Plus he I have not seen him throw any sweet tricks like back flips or supermans. One would think after 28 years of riding a wheelie would be in order.

The other thing i read on this subject was that Lance's heart rate was 40 beat per minute. The average human heart rate is 70 beats per minute. Since when did we start lauding laziness, especially bodily organs. In a race, my heart would kick Lance's heart by a lot, by pure mathematics it is almost twice as fast. I am the walrus.

this whole deal was half ass anyway,
dr. koala dick

ps. check your prostrate, right now, hard, ladies too.

better than your parent's bed

2005-07-19T14:05:00.000-05:00

I wish people would stop being so unexcited about space foam. There's a lot of possibility in space foam—aka invest now. It's not like I am a space foam salesman or anything. However, as a lifestyle expert, I would not be surprised if you next house is constructed entirely out of space foam. Imagine a space foam kitchen, space foam toilet, or a space foam solarium.

I understand most readers will look upon this space foam contention with skepticism. This speculation evolves most likely from their previous encounter with another space product; Astronaut Ice Cream. Astronaut Ice Cream is a brittle crunchy flavored box. Perhaps it is described as ice cream devoid of all the things that make ice cream good. For those of you who have not had it, it’s like chewing a full pack of cigarettes, minus the fun.

To offer a historical context, things got hot in Somalia when the UN, seeking to utilize its Astronaut Ice Cream surplus, introduced it to the starving citizens. History books, allegorical tribal fairytales, and kickass movies like Black Hawk Down, blame Somali warlords and unfavorable weather conditions (it was fucking hot). This explanation however is a bold faced lie. As soon as the strawberry cardboard crunch hit the streets of Mogadishu, senseless taste bud jihad erupted. Astronaut Ice Cream also caused Sky Lab to crash.

What is important is to understand the distinction between two very different space products. One must realize that while you can sleep on space foam, sleeping on a bed of astronaut ice cream is highly impractical. One would first have to discern which flavor/flavors one would use, only to move on to more difficult questions of cream brick layout, viscosity, and colored coordinated throw pillows. I mean, in theory you could construct and sleep on such a bed, but your wife would probably leave you. Possibly for a man who sleeps on jelly beans.

Besides, on a bed of space foam one can only imagine the possibilities intercourse with your significant other. During sessions you might find yourself achieving intimacy levels of stellar intergalactic proportions. Afterwards, you would probably dream about comets and black holes. Also, if aliens do indeed exist, and land, you have a bed made to their exact specifications. Consequentially you might be the first human being to have sex with an alien. You friends might frown upon it, but who knows it could be pretty sweet. Aliens might have two tongues or be really into doggy style.

Your friend in the space foam bizness,
dr koala dick

Ps. I stole the “exact specifications” terminology from mitch hedburg

chiclet, cockroach, sloppy joe

2005-07-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

While leaving a local eatery the other day I wondered, who still buys chiclets? that candy has been awful for years. How has a product so renowned for providing a displeasing, even demoralizing experience continued to exist? Is the chiclets presence in our a society a leftover plot of soviet days? aplot perpetuated by terrorist? or perhaps there is a wealthy person with either an extremely sick mind, a penchant for the nasty, or perhaps a twisted sense of humor that is responsible for their existence in almost classy eatieries .

After careful contemplation, doctoral contemplation in fact, I concluded that the responsibility for the chiclets does not lay on any of these scapegoats. Instead, chiclets existed because they always would in a badass capitalist society like ours.

All Andy Rooney bullshit aside, I think we can all remember the first time we tried chiclets. I personally recall mine occurred after a particularly satisfying meal. Looking for a smooth chewable candy to polish it off I selected chiclets from the array of other candies. What followed is hazy; I vaguely recall spitting something out in my grandma's hand and blacking out. I woke up minutes later soiled in urine (possibly not my own), severely parched, short twenty five cents and any sense of decency.

Despite this tragic experience (a foreshadow into how many of my tragic evenings would end later in life), I never took it upon myself to caution my younger brother years later when he himself opted to try the candy himself. Perhaps it was because as a child he was an insufferable twat whom I was constantly forced to beat into line. Another possibility is that even in my youth I understood he was participating in a essential capitalist ritual.

While this juncture would normally lead one into a wicked diatribe on brand names and the commodization of society instead I will just note that it is fun, perhaps even our duty and Chiclets purpose, to teach children a lesson. That lesson being that just like any other commercial product, (cars, drugs, burial relics from saint) if you are willing to buy candy from anywhere, or stray too broadly in your quest for a new candy consciousness, eventually someone will sell you some fucking oddly colored squares that taste like sugar and cigarette tar.

Chiclets are America’s communal kool-aid. They are the Adam Smith litmus test that determines whether or not one is capable of understanding the rules of capitalism and abiding and belonging to surrounding society. Its sugary salivation is the ethos to becoming a citizen. Sure, your grandmother might disown you out of embarrassment, your brother might grow up to become a raging alcoholic, and perhaps sometime in your life you might recount this entire experience at your expense to a man named Samir, calling you from India, to check and see if you have paid you American express bill from three months ago. But seriously from then on, you will know about the superiority of the Spree (hard not chewy).

hover boards unite,
dr koala dick

unified theory

2005-07-06T01:30:00.000-05:00

I used to work at an Italian restaurant. One of the waiters once confided in me that the restaurant was evidence that entropy theory was wrong. If entropy did exist, he contended, the establishment that currently employed us would have been reduced to a pile of rubble many years ago. At that moment, I agreed with him because I hated my job; because I hate jobs in general.

Comedy aside, that restaurant was poorly managed. But that tends to be the case when you let three Ethiopian Brothers run an Italian establishment. This is not to say they were not nice individuals or entirely incompetent, but if Sicily found out about the situation thumbs would have disappeared and certain diplomats would have shat themselves in executive leather chairs.

The humorous punch line of this anecdote arrived three days after this scholarly waiter bestowed his wisdom upon me; he quit the job citing marital dysfunction. I mean it’s not funny, I liked the guy, but the irony is wicked wicked. Seriously, i hope everything worked out for him and he developed the recreational drug habit he needed.

The lesson here (for people who don’t already get it) is that entropy theory is wrong when you don’t understand it. You see, this waiter brought upon the assumption that entropy would have increased in the same area—specifically the location of our restaurant. What he didn't understand was that entropy was increasing very chaotically. While he was waiting for the foundation of a bar/bistro to collapse entropy was banging his wife, probably with vigor. So don't even act like you know what I'm up too, and also if you want to give someone a college graduation present, don't give them enough money to last comfortably until about August without a job, it makes them get really nervous around mid-July, bitches.

i got five on it,
dr koala dick

Balkany baby

2005-07-01T01:19:00.000-05:00

So Jeff Tweedy stole another song from me, but that’s okay. He is a complete robot and if he needs to rely on the genius of others to survive I will begrudingly accept it. Tweedy makes a mean burrito, so i like to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Aside from that I found myself thinking about Tolstoy a lot today. I thought, “what a pretentious dick.” He knew that only one person in the entire of history of the world would get to name something "war and peace" and he decided to use it for his own measly diatribe. If Horace and Cicero were nice enough to pass on the title, what right does he have? Where does he get off with this behavior?
Writers could have definitely used that title in the eighties to create a pretty decent sitcom. It could have centered around an American reporter stuck covering the Kremlin who falls in love with an attractive and sensitive translator for a corrupt high-up Soviet official. Get this twist though; the official is also the spicy translators dad, and he owns the hotel where the reporter is staying. He has the place bugged with KGB up the ass. The translator babe also has an ex-boyfriend who thinks he's been captured by aliens. The ex-boyfriend also has a brother with the same name as him. They both would probably be named Ivan, or Sasha.
Where was Mrs. Tolstoy when the naming rights incident went down? I guarantee you she was not baking cookies. She was probably in the back yelling at the neighbor kids lecturing them on jumping the fence to retrieve their Frisbee. I would wager a person so self absorbed as to marry Tolstoy, such as Mrs. Tolstoy, would do something outrageous like claim she invented the hand job. But trust me, people already knew about the hand job. They were just modest enough to not claim it as their own. It was the communal hand job. The hand job of public domain, and that’s why there were no world wars. All I'm saying is leave something for the new guy.

the new black,
dr koala dick

dangling ding dongs

2005-06-30T01:17:00.000-05:00

doctor koala dick is comfortable with his sexuality.

when doctor koala dick was a young lad, and not yet the doctor of renown he is today, he and his friends would often frolic about on drugs making jokes and playing fun pranks on one another. rarely, though, did these pranks seriously challenge the sexual boundaries of our bear koala dick.

but that changed one night in the lair of one of the lamer accomplices, when one of dick's closest compatriots came rushing up behind him in a darkened room, mounted him and dangled a delicious confection in front of his head. koala dick was stunned, a veritable bear in headlights, completely unprepared for this potentiality, and stoned utterly mindless. at this point in his life, this was, without question, the gayest thing that had ever happened to him.

but only until he took a bite.

génération de âne

2005-06-29T22:17:00.000-05:00

I got another parking ticket again. I refuse to participate in this nazi-fest charade being put on by the parking control enforcement. In a decent society people can park wherever the fuck they want for as along as they want too. It that means parking on the grass then so be it. I've been thinking about a way to make this parking issue go away. I think hiding in the back seat in clown make-up will probably do the trick.
I don't know how it is in your country but here, I knew kids in middle school who used to squirt cologne into their mouth to become inebriated. I know. When I was a kid, everyday I would look forward to the day when hover boards were invented and they would make me so cool I would have a threesome with punky brewster and the hot chipmunk from rescue rangers in celebration, but that day in seventh grade when I saw that kid spray ck1 in his mouth I knew it would probably never happen.
You can't expect too much from a generation of cologne drinkers. Not that all of us did it, but you knew if one did, there were others. Any social sect who lets multiple members of there group do something like that is probably going to have trouble fixing the infrastructure already in place, let alone create something cool like hover boards, light sabers or cordless thermometers.
Soon, it was 1997 and everything sucked; the plan for the reunification of Germany had failed more or less, neon was no longer cool and people got complacent with the fact that Carson Daly was banging hot chicks.
Kundera quotes Nietzsche “einmal est keinmal” What happens but once may as well have never happened. I say, tell that to the girl from the Wendy’s bathroom, and while you’re at it, ask her to stop calling me.

Fuck yeah fuck yeah I’m wearing blue jeans,
dr koala dick

Ps. Babes, Big jim slade called and he wants his speedo back.

who are you?

2005-06-29T01:32:00.000-05:00

across the globe and in most of outer space, people are wondering what the real doctor koala dick is. this is a highly complex question and most likely none of its resolutions will ever become widely regarded as truth. doctor koala dick is simply too big to live inside any of our little boxes. so, as you see, the real question is this: what is doctor koala dick to me? the answers to this query are more concrete, though no less myriad. to some, doctor koala dick is nothing more than a regular australian koala bear who built himself up from nothing to become one of the most respected doctors in his field, that being the field of all that is tubular, and now holds doctorates in everything from wakeboarding to nuclear ice fishing. to others, doctor koala dick is a source of solace, of support, for in these uncertain times, doctor koala dick doesn't stop grinding rails and doesn't think you should stop either. naturally, when discussing the doctor, the untold masses of illigitimate children can be a significant talking point, but it is well documented that doctor koala dick loves and takes care of his children and that most of them are now crime fighters. doctor koala dick plays air guitar better than anybody and believes it would be better if we all got down.

the sun also gets dome

2005-06-29T00:59:00.000-05:00

so earlier today i thought of an alternate ending to Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises. At the end, instead of sitting there in the back of a car with Brett Ashley in Spain or whatever, and instead of whoever raisind that baton or whatnot, instead at the end jake says 'check me out i've got a huge dong now thanks to the miracle of plastics and the talent of some european doctors. i can satisfy you in ways you haven't even thought of. the thing spins and vibrates, it's studded like a bumpy cucumber.' and it ends with brett moaning. literally, instead of 'isn't it pretty to think so?' the last line is 'and she moans heavily in a little bit of pain but obviously enjoying herself. the end.'
i think this would do a lot for the self-esteem of male readers, specifically those without penises. it gives a new hope to living without a penis, and updates the story in keeping with scientific advances made since Hemingway's time. in fact, having thought of this, i almost wish i had either a) been born without a wang, or b) had my previous wang blown off in a war. because that way i could get to have a fake one and it would probably be awesome. i would probably get my parents to pay for it, and they have a lot more money than i do, a.k.a. more than $600. Think of the kind of wang you could get for the cost of renting a studio apartment in a major city for a month. it's a wonder more people don't injure themselves on purpose and undergo a temporary homelessness in order to pay for a prosthetic wiener of epic proportions. you could probably get one with:
1. a car alarm with keyless remote that makes beeping noises
2. a built-in ipod (tell me that wouldn't be sweet)
3. a body fashioned after optimus prime, with the ability to transform into a badass rig
4. wireless ethernet
5. a headrest, and a tv in that headrest
6. a dvd player that plays only porn and mick jagger concert footage (jagger doing the rooster dance)
7. a micro machines garage
8. a stock ticker
9. a fold-out map so you can find your way to linens and things to buy new sheets every few hours
10. something that makes it turn into a pogo stick

To: Stegosaurus

2005-06-28T20:31:00.000-05:00

Dr. Koala Dick recently traded a comedy writing secret to a fellow colleague for the operating manual of a 1992 Volvo 940, and a to be named later Sponsorship of an African Orphan.

Dear Orphan,

I’ve decided to name you Stegosaurus. I hope you realize how cool that is. How are things in Africa? I hope they are better than here. Today I woke up to find out that I had received yet another parking ticket. Those parking control guys are total cocks. I left the ticket on my car out of spite, and because I didn’t want to get another one, but now it’s raining. If the ticket is wet, do you think I still have to pay it? I would be impolite for me to send them a document of that nature; they would probably have to wash their hands after handling it.

I went to the post office today and I feel like I’m developing a friendship with one of the workers. His name is Rick and he looks pretty disgruntled. For that exact reason I am always overly polite to the guy. It is most certainly a benefit to have a friend in the postal department. I know this because at one of my former residences, the postal worker did not like me because I stole his girlfriend. Even though I only ended up dating her for two weeks, my packages were lost and mishandled for over a year, I guess postal workers don’t get laid often.

I also applied online today for a job at a local bookstore. It was most heinous. What was supposed to be a simple online application evolved into 37 page personality test. They asked me questions about my anger management, my ability to be enthused and if I stab people in the back. In then end I think the computer decided that I; a) I’m kind of a jackass, b) think most other people are benders, and c) am able to fake enthusiasm well. Either way they probably want to hire me so hard.

Man or machine,

dr koala dick

the next movement

2005-06-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

During the four years i spent at college many people asked me what i was going to do after college. A lot of the time i answered them by telling them i was going into the peace corp.

I'm not entirely sure i was insincere on the reply--i did complete the peace corp application all the way up to the essay section. I also talked to many people who were going to the peace corp and asked quesions about their experience, the process of applying, and i listened intently.

Regardless, four years later, everytime i talk to one of these inquisitive characters they never fail to ask when I'm going into the peace corp. Even if i haven't tlaked to them in years.

I've been honest but from now on I'm lying. When they ask, I will say, "soon." Furthermore if I haven't spoken to them in a few years i will say, "I already did."

peace in the middle east,
dr koala dick

dk

2005-06-01T17:17:00.000-05:00